Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School Bullies

27 replies

ZanyMobster · 19/10/2018 18:56

Probably not really an AIBU but more of a rant.

Why is it that schools are rubbish at dealing with bullies. I see it time and time again on Facebook that yet another bully is getting away with their behaviour. My DS age 10 has put up with being targeted verbally by one boy for 2 years but nothing seems to be getting better. Other parents don't always speak up so that doesn't help our case but it feels as if DS is not listened to and that the other boy is not punished, in fact sometimes favoured. I used to find myself wishing he had punched DS in the face rather than just belittling him every day as at least they would deal with violence instead he is sly and on the 1 occasion DS lashed out he was punished! Just feel there is nothing more I can say or do.

AIBU to think that schools should take emotional bullying just as seriously?!

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 19/10/2018 19:08

That is a generalisation; some schools take bullying very seriously indeed. Have you got a copy of the school’s Anti-bullying policy?

QuickPollPlease · 19/10/2018 19:11

And just because it's on Facebook doesn't mean jack, tbh.

Original poster
ZanyMobster · 19/10/2018 19:13

Yes it is a generalisation but equally not a common occurrence unfortunately. I did say it was a bit of a rant so I am sorry if I have caused offence.

Yep seen the policy but they say they can only deal with what they witness which I do understand. DS has told them immediately when something is said or done and on more than one occasion has been told that it didn't happen as they didn't hear it or that he must have misunderstood. The fact I have heard/seen it online means I know it's true but generally I am just frustrated that it's still happening.

My friends daughter was bullied at her senior school, it wasn't dealt with so she moved schools but they just followed her and waited for her after school. She killed herself, she was 14.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZanyMobster · 19/10/2018 19:15

Quick - it's happening to my DS though, that much is true. Do you think that schools deal with emotional bullying well? That is a genuine question, I am not being sarky, if there are many that do then I would be rely interested in how as I am going to keep pushing at ours to get it sorted.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 19/10/2018 19:15

In my experience schools are awful at dealing with bullying. But this is MN where you frequently get told to invite your childs bully to their birthday party so you're not leaving anyone out.

Original poster
ZanyMobster · 19/10/2018 19:18

Laguna - I am actually in shock at these responses TBH. I am a real advocate of teachers and constantly on the schools side over so many things but this is a real issue. I also didn't mean randoms on FB I mean my friends, with real life stories.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZanyMobster · 19/10/2018 19:37

I really felt like I needed a bit of support, should have posted in chat maybe as I know I am not unreasonable to be upset about this. Would really appreciate some advice about what to do about it, how to make them realise the seriousness of the situation. I can't move schools, he has SEN, autism and ADHD and gets specialist help at the school, he also loves everything else about it but I can't have him saying he'd be better of dead, no one should hear their child say that.

OP posts:
LadyMonicaBaddingham · 19/10/2018 19:38

Schools' hands are sadly tied in terms of the action they can realistically take; society today seems to be set up to protect the villain, iyswim

Houseonahill · 19/10/2018 19:40

I think some schools are good at it and some schools are shit. Could you look at moving Ds school or pick a different high school to the boy?

Original poster
ZanyMobster · 19/10/2018 19:41

I agree LadyMonica, it does feel that way. The school says all the right things and appear sympathetic, they have never once said well actually your DS often starts it etc, I feel that they would if that was the case as it would stop me moaning I guess but in spite of that it feels like they kind of skirt around the real issue and so it continues.

OP posts:
starzig · 19/10/2018 19:42

I think Facebook have to take responsibility and raise the age limit for Facebook. Too many young people getting abuse on there before they are old enough to realise you just ignore it.

Original poster
ZanyMobster · 19/10/2018 19:43

House - their school goes right up to 16 unfortunately. I feel like he shouldn't have to move, it again comes down to protecting the bully and school not actually dealing with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZanyMobster · 19/10/2018 19:45

Sorry, I didn't mean the bullying is on facebook. I meant I see people posting about their own issues with their own kids being bullied. DS has been bullied over the PS4 headset. I have listened it as won't let him go on there if I am not in the room due to his age. We have off course blocked the child in question. That does not stop the bullying face to face though.

OP posts:
Foxyloxy1plus1 · 19/10/2018 19:48

i think, like many things, that some school deal with bullying effectively and some don’t. Verbal bullying is very difficult to deal with, because it can be regarded as ‘teasing’. Clearly, your son has been and is still upset by it, so the school does need to take it seriously, from what you are saying.

I also think that children sometimes use verbal teasing/ bullying/ whatever you call it, because they don’t understand difference. Maybe they don’t understand how to interact with your son because his responses are not always what they expect from their peers. Not saying it’s right, not saying it should happen, but they could be a bit unsure of how to deal with him.

I think that a meeting with the school is in order, so they really understand how badly your son is affected by this. If everything else is in place in terms of support and specialist help, I can understand why you wouldn’t want to lose that.

Original poster
ZanyMobster · 19/10/2018 19:54

To be honest, I doubt they struggle with interacting with him, socially he is absolutely fine, his autism shows in many other ways though. I think, however, he is an easy target as he clearly is upset by what he says, this makes him want to carry on. It is only this one boy, no problem with anyone else at school or out of school clubs.

We have met with them 4 or 5 times plus many emails so they know, they say they are dealing with it but I do feel that whilst they may try, they do struggle to do anything as they don't always see or hear what is hapening. The child is a compulsive liar (over anything and everything) so it is one word against another.

I guess the only thing is to keep building DS up and get him to stand up for himself more.

OP posts:
deegee90 · 19/10/2018 19:57

Yeah him to fight back. The politics of some schools is too convoluted to effect change before his spirit is crushed. Yeah him to stand up and plant one on the next little fucker who bullies him.

deegee90 · 19/10/2018 19:57

Teach **Not yeah lol

Original poster
ZanyMobster · 19/10/2018 20:04

deegee90 - I like your thinking Grin We are working on his assertiveness currently, it's not easy though. We have warned the school to not be surprised when he properly lashes out back and to not expect us to be sorry (obviously we said it in as a polite way as possible lol)

OP posts:
deegee90 · 20/10/2018 18:43

Zanymobster you'll get there just keep encouraging that fire in him to stand up for himself..its a horrible world, never be sorry! wishing you and your boy all the best xx

Original poster
ZanyMobster · 20/10/2018 21:21

Thank you deegee90. Another incident today at football where he squirted lucozade in DSs face and DS pushed him in retaliation. I could have cried when the football coach turned round to the boy and said don't complain you were pushed, you deserved it. I am hoping once they are back at school him standing up for himself may help and the boy will realise it's not worth it.

OP posts:
RrreCansada · 20/10/2018 21:43

DS is in primary and I have just pulled him out after he was constantly being spat at, punched,pushed,tripped up etc. I have had to move house and change to night shifts so I can accommodate his learning. The financial burden will be huge as we will have to use tutors which are 20-30 per hour.

The school were unbelievably inept at dealing with it. The staff appeared stale and uninterested when I asked for support.

TeddybearBaby · 20/10/2018 22:05

My son had a terrible time in year 6. In the end it was like ‘we’ve nearly done it’ just counting down the days til we could get out of there. Everyone said he needed to defend himself but he couldn’t. He would cry which they would take the piss out of him for even more. It was awful. He’s in year 7 now and made all new friends. He needed a fresh / new start. It’s done him the world of good, he’s like a different child. Tbh I wish I’d moved him sooner.

I think some schools are better than others for sure and I defo don’t think mh issues are understood / taken seriously enough.

*mh might be the wrong word but you know what I mean hopefully.

I hope your sons situation improves soon!

Original poster
ZanyMobster · 20/10/2018 22:06

Rrre - that is awful, the fact it is physical stuff you would think they could deal with it effectively.

I am so sorry that you have had to deal with that!

OP posts:
Original poster
ZanyMobster · 20/10/2018 22:09

Thanks Teddy. In spite of senior school just following on for them so they will be in the same tutor group as each other I am hoping the fact they are with many different teachers for different subjects will mean the boy can't get away with as much.

OP posts:
Knitwit101 · 20/10/2018 22:12

My ds had a terrible time with this sort of bullying. His school didn't help at all. They told him to tell a teacher every time, but it was relentless low level comments and as ds himself said, who's going to take him seriously when he says "xyz just said my hair is stupid". The teachers just told him to go away. But when you're getting remarks about your appearance, personality, intelligence, sporting abilities a hundred times a day it's just soul destroying. It you're hardly going to get very far telling a teacher every single time.
I ended up keeping him at home much of his last year at primary and he's doing great at a new high school.
You're right op, schools are totally shit at dealing with this sort of thing. I'm sorry you are dealing with it. It's the worst.

Swipe left for the next trending thread