To think my PIL are being silly?

[dumpertruck]

We alternate Christmas with each family. This year is my DH's family's turn, he has 3 siblings with families and parents. We normally alternate hosts, this year we said we would host and invited everyone. One sibling accepted and two siblings declined, choosing to stay at their respective houses. My PIL have also declined, citing not wanting to travel the distance (2 hours on the train, no changes and almost door to door). They are however driving 3 hours to see one of their other children (my DH's sibling) this weekend. DH is feeling a bit put out and frustrated that they won't travel to see him at Christmas though.

AIBU to think they might regret this decision when they are on their own on Christmas Day? Should we go to them instead so they have company? I never really feel welcome there, it's especially bad at stressful occasions like Christmas. WWYD?

My DC's are adults. Last year I was ill just before Christmas, so I said I'd stay home with DH.
As Christmas got near I was wondering if I had made a big mistake.
Nah it was lovely.
We just had a get together a bit later.

Trains at Christmas are rubbish.

Travelling at Christmas is rubbish. Daylight hours are short, everyone is in a hurry, and the weather is unpredictable.

My DD wants to stay on her own at Christmas. I would love to see her but as long as she is safe and warm and happy, that is all that matters. We can Skype.

Should we go to them instead so they have company? I don't understand how you could come to the conclusion that question needed to be asked. They obviously aren't that keen to see you seeing as your kind invitation has already been turned down and yes, they might want to be alone, or they might be the sort of people who only want to see you if you do EVERYTHING their way and to their timetable, and only if they don't have to get out of a chair at any time.

You've had a lucky escape, move on.

You've dodged a bullet, enjoy a nice Christmas with no guilt.

If they have to travel two hours to get to you then presumably they would be expecting to stay over. Is the other sibling staying over as well? Do you have enough bedrooms for everyone to be comfortably accommodated? Maybe they just don't fancy sleeping on a sofa or an uncomfortable spare bed but are trying to spare your feelings by saying it is the travel.

Or maybe it really is the travel?

Why do they take the train to visit you but drive to visit the other sibling? Is it much further to get to you? And, yes to the PP who said that travelling by train at Christmas could be a nightmare, especially if they are also bringing presents and contributions to the meal etc.

I bet they’re going to one of the other siblings.

Should we go to them instead so they have company? I never really feel welcome there

Use this as a chance to have a lovely Christmas at home instead then. I really wouldn't sweat it.

As others have said, train travel at Christmas time is a lottery as they're always doing maintenance work etc.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate the word "silly" was probably the wrong one. I was just concerned that they might have made a mistake. I don't think they're going to either of the other two siblings, they were invited to both but declined both as well as far as I'm aware. DH has made it very clear to his parents that he's frustrated and upset that they're not coming but has accepted it. We will have a fun day with the sibling that is coming, guilt free! :-)

Oh, and we have enough rooms for everyone (children would go on the floor rather than in beds), and they would get the train here as it's easier than driving. The other sibling is not very easy to get to on the train.

Why would they get the train to you but drive to other sibling?

This is a brilliant situation to be in! You have asked them to come. Your husband has begged them to come! They've said no. You get Christmas without them, which is what you wanted all along. Have a great time!

@Crunchy, maybe the OP lives in London or somewhere difficult to drive to.

They may have checked themselves into a plush hotel for 5* food and some couple time. Keeping it quiet so the kids don’t show up and spoil it

They’re grown ups. I’m sure they’ll be ok.

Enjoy your Xmas.

I'm a MIL and really, you don't have to worry that they'll be lonely ! They probably have some plans which involve them enjoying some time without the family . Older people are quite able to enjoy themselves alone - this year we're having the day alone and are thinking about a champagne picnic, just the two of us. Sounds like heaven on a stick to me !

It's obviously really lovely that an adult man with his own family cares about his parents but to be upset and frustrated that they want to spend Christmas alone? I bet they've wanted to do it for years and been too polite to tell their kids.

Paradise, OP, paradise. You get Christmas in your own home with less hassle. My pils expect us to go to them every year, in a different county. I like them a lot but I would prefer to have Xmas in my own house. I will be heavily pregnant this year, so we are staying home. I am hoping we can do this from now on, mainly because I want my little boy to enjoy his toys, rather than have to leave them here.

Let them be. It's less people to host and cater for and less stress. Why do you want to travel to them just so in case they feel lonely. They're adults who have declined. Maybe they want to spend one on one time with their child and gc as well as the sibling wants to be in their own home. This whole schlepping families around gets tiresome.

My dcs are grown up. I hate all the ‘taking turns’ with Christmas business and feeling obliged to get together just because it’s Christmas. They can all do what they like. Last year DH and I were on our own, and it was lovely. We see them other times.

When you have been to theirs previously, have all your DH’s siblings normally gone too?

It sounds as if the vibe is ‘everyone gathers at Mum and Dad’s / ILs’ and as that isn’t happening people are choosing their own thing.

Tne other two siblings could go to theirs but have chosen not to.

By issuing an invite and hosting, you are also saying ‘we’re staying at home this year’ , and they are doing the same.

We’ve never done the “taking turns” thing and find it odd. MIL expected it and (as my parents are dead) expected us to go every year lol! But she didn’t take turns when DH was young, so I don't know where this came from. They lived overseas for years and didnt go back for Christmas or have the gps out to them. When they did live near it was near enough to pop in on Christmas morning for the children’s presents and a mince pie and then go to the other grandparents and then go home.

What makes you think it's a 2 hour train ride "door to door" at Christmas? Last Christmas I stayed with a family member of mine; I booked my train ticket home while I was there, the 14.00 from so-and-so (one train per hour); he drove me to the station, I was there in good
time; the 14.00 arrived, crammed to the gills without an ounce breathing space, let alone a place for me; an hour in the waiting room; the 15.00 turned up 10 mins late, crammed again but luckily not so bad; standing all the way, crawled in 30 mins late. An hour journey turned into 2h 30.

How would your PIL (who are apparently 3h away from your DH sibling - 3h that can be drawn out at Christmas - and 3h back again, then faced with 2h to you and 2h back again) face that?

I wouldn’t feel sorry for them. They’ll have a marvellous day doing what they want, when they want, no hyper children, a wee doze in the afternoon, no slaving over feeding the masses, shove a M&S crown in the oven and Bob’s your uncle.
Same for you - have a chilled out Christmas and have a get together at New Year

We will! Looking forward to it already.