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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If I think this way about marriage?

21 replies

LisaF8 · 19/10/2018 11:18

Aibu for wanting to get married because I love my DP, want the commitment and to call him my husband. Because I know he is the one and means the world to me
But...
I don't want the big wedding, the stress, the dress , 'the whole day'?

This is how I think about marriage but I know that my DP s brother got married quickly and at the city hall without telling/inviting family (neither his or hers) Everyone is my DPs family was hurt that he just got married like this.
Aibu to think that it is entirely up to them and no one else's business? I'm not saying I would do it this way but my DPs sister made a massive thing about her wedding, the dress, the details etc... felt like loads of wasted money and she stressed the hell out of everyone running up to 'her' wedding.

What are your thoughts on this?

OP posts:

itsbritneybiatches · 19/10/2018 11:23

Go abroad. We are having a nice relaxed wedding abroad. Getting married at tea time.

That way you get a nice family holiday, it doesn't need to be massive and probably only those closest to you will come.

But ultimately it's yours and your partners decision.

Congratulations

BootsMagoots · 19/10/2018 11:25

We were also like this. So were our friends. We all got married together so they could be our witnesses and we could be theirs. No fuss or hassle. It's not wrong to do what's best for you.

Original poster

LisaF8 · 19/10/2018 11:28

So what do you think about leaving the family out?

OP posts:

Kpo58 · 19/10/2018 11:29

Why not compromise and invite immediate relations to the short civil ceremony at the local registry office and all go to a pub/restaurant for a meal afterwards? It would be reasonable cheap and not offend anyone as they were invited.

PinkHeart5914 · 19/10/2018 11:31

What about getting married abroad just you two and a family meal out on your return? That way family are still involved and get to celebrate with you

OR get married an have the day, it can be as big or small as you like.....

Original poster

LisaF8 · 19/10/2018 11:31

Right but that wouldn't be a 'real wedding ' would it?

OP posts:

Alfie19 · 19/10/2018 11:32

I didn't want a big wedding, I wanted to be married. We went overseas, we did invite immediate family members although we knew that some of them would not be able to come.

Andromeida59 · 19/10/2018 11:40

As long as you get the marriage certificate then any wedding is a "real" one.

wlevrta · 19/10/2018 11:42

It's your special day between you and your husband to be

It's not unreasonable to plan the day how you want it

ChaosMoon · 19/10/2018 11:44

YANBU. The marriage is 1000 times more important than the wedding but a lot of people seem to think its the other way around. I think that's sad.

Ours was smaller than most of our friends, but we still had over 50 people there - but that's because it suited us and we wanted it. The most wonderful wedding I've been to only had 9 guests. But if you want it to be just you, DP and two random witnesses off the street, that's all good too and anyone who loves you should respect that!

Oysterbabe · 19/10/2018 11:52

There's a middle ground. We bought an off the shelf package at a nice hotel. They arranged everything and we just had to show up. It was lovely, relatively cheap and fairly low key. Everyone seemed to have fun.

Kpo58 · 19/10/2018 11:52

Which bit of the wedding makes it a "real" wedding? The vows or the reception?

It should be the vows. If you come from a religious family, you can a get a reasonable basic wedding ceremony in church.

If they think that the reception is, then they can either pay for and organise on for you or stop talking about it.

ExplodedPeach · 19/10/2018 11:55

YANBU to have the day you want, however small, but your family are NBU to be upset at not being included. I would be upset if I wasn't invited to my brothers/kids weddings.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Why not have a town hall ceremony and tell immediate family they are welcome to join you for lunch after?

Original poster

LisaF8 · 19/10/2018 12:53

Yeah I don't know... I know in the comments it sounds like I'm being difficult (I don't know I might be 🤷🏻‍♀️) but I don't think my DP will want to marry me unless we have a big proper traditional wedding. Once I mentioned that I don't want a white dress. I personally find it funny when brides pretend to be princess in their big white dresses all puffy and by the evening do there are marks in the dress etc. But that's just me and I fully respect and understand if someone wants to wear a big gown/white dress - it's their choice and shouldn't give a fat rats ass of what I or others think. I just want a dress I feel comfortable in and I'm not willing to pay more that £300-350 for a nice Self portrait dress perhaps.
Little drip feed... I don't have a family , well I do but we went no contact about a year ago. It's really sad and I am trying to keep it all together but it hurst as hell. My DP had a big family, sisters and brothers, nephews and nieces, lots of uncles and aunties etc... so from my side there will be no one from his side about 50 if not more people...

OP posts:

Celebelly · 19/10/2018 13:09

YANBU! We plan to get married after our baby arrives but neither of us want any kind of big wedding. In an ideal world, we'd just do it at a registry office mid-week with no one else there and that be it, but I know my gran particularly would be upset at not being able to be involved as I'm her only grandchild, so I think we'll compromise with a very short, small ceremony (perhaps still at the registry office but with parents/gran/couple of other people there) and then a fancy restaurant meal with immediate family and close friends so she can get all dressed up.

I'm just not interested in weddings. I enjoy other people's, but I do not want that for me in any way (and neither does DP). For us, it's about being married (and actually it's more because of the baby thing. We'd happily rub along as is otherwise as we already live together and have legal stuff in place for our shared home and other financial stuff, but I would like us all to have the same last name for ease).

AaahhwoooooOOOOooOOOOo1 · 19/10/2018 13:11

Right but that wouldn't be a 'real wedding ' would it?

Celebelly · 19/10/2018 13:15

There's also no such thing as a 'real' wedding. I've been to five or six weddings in the last few years, and all have been really different and varied in size and tone. None were any less 'real' than the others, and I enjoyed them all.

itsbritneybiatches · 19/10/2018 13:57

Real wedding to who?

Darkstar4855 · 19/10/2018 14:05

YANBU! If we get married it’ll be a small ceremony in a nice venue with a few family and close friends followed by a meal. I’d probably find a nice cocktail dress or wear one I already had.

You can have a simple celebration and not spend loads of money but still have a nice day that includes family.

NoNewsisGood · 19/10/2018 14:10

Go and elope, get it done for the reasons you want to get married as they are the only valid thing here. At some point have a party. No need to tell anyone anything about the marriage part unless you want to. The piece of paper is literally the most important thing in the whole marriage/wedding debacle. Get that, then worry about the rest of the stuff later. You may find neither of you care two hoots about the rest of it after a month.

CwtchesAreTheBest · 19/10/2018 14:24

My brother and his wife started to plan a small wedding which quickly began to turn into a massive three ringed circus! Mostly pressure from brides family and friends, our side is not into a lot of fuss and we had often said just elope and spent the money on a fantastic holiday.
One night they sat down and realised that the wedding was not what they wanted and decided to cancel it all. They went to New York and got married there with two friends who lived in the USA as witnesses. They had a lively meal afterwards and it was perfect!

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