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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let my 12 year old ASD son go on a date?

47 replies

CharlotteWebb · 18/10/2018 20:58

My son whose 12 wants to ask his 'girlfriend' (also aged 12) on a date to the cinema to watch Johnny English.

I would take them and collect them and I think this is ok. (Assuming her parents were fine with it).

I was really happy for him to feel comfortable about asking this girl out - because it's kind of a big deal for him.

However his Dad thinks we should discourage him as although I believe he would behave appropriately he feels we would have to have a whole conversation with the girls Mum how he has autism. This may in turn put her in an awkward situation as she may no longer want her daughter go out with him.

He also thinks he has plenty of time to go on dates and it's a whole new chapter that we shouldn't rush in to.

AIBU to say this is all ok and to encourage his 'date'?

OP posts:

DontLickTheCat · 18/10/2018 21:18

Dating at 12 is absolutely fine! They are going to the cinema, not to a club! Let him go OP and well done on bringing him up a decent wee chappie despite his extra challenges

MacosieAsunter · 18/10/2018 21:18

I agree that you should accompany them at this age, tbh.

Why ?

halcyondays · 18/10/2018 21:21

It's fine, of course you don't need to supervise from a distance. Also no need to speak to her parents about his autism.

Clairenewbie · 18/10/2018 21:22

How’s things have changed, 20 years ago we would all have giggled and thought how sweet it was, now judging by the replies people are shocked. The worlds changed.
your boy is going out on a date to the cinema which you’ll be picking them up, I don’t see the problem. It’s not like they are dating in each other’s bedrooms.

HouseOfGingerbread · 18/10/2018 21:25

It sounds to me like it'll be fine. Take a book and hang around in the foyer with a coffee, or go next door to whichever chain restaurant is next door to the cinema. And if he's likely to be just the same on the date as he is at school etc, then no need to say anything to her parents about his ASD.

parkermoppy · 18/10/2018 21:27

When i was 11 i went on a 'date' to the cinema with a boy in my class. The most innocent, non date type date ever, because we were 11! It was valentines weekend and about 5 other 'couples' in our class also went to the cinema to see various films. No one kissed, I think a couple maybe held hands and we all made fun because 'boys are gross'

It's very innocent - I would let him go, if you are picking up there really is no issue

Original poster

CharlotteWebb · 18/10/2018 21:32

Ah thanks everyone - I wasn't sure if I should let other people know about his autism - he's not at all aggressive or unkind, he wouldn't hurt a fly. People can probably tell he's autistic though without knowing him as he has a funny walk and wears a trilby hat and nods a lot!

It's his dad that thinks we should let people know, but I'm not really sure that's necessary - he's a lovely sensitive boy, but of course I'm biased!

OP posts:

inthisdayandage · 18/10/2018 21:33

Of course he should go. It sounds like 2 friends enjoying a film together. 12 year olds would call it a date. So what! Let him go but just check girls parents are ok with arrangements etc. I see no reason to have long chats with them about your son being autistic. Presumably his friend likes him as he is. I think it sounds great. I’d let my 12 year old go if she were asked.

elliejjtiny · 18/10/2018 21:35

That's lovely. My 12 year old has asd and he has a "best friend who is a girl". She knows he has asd and so do her mum and dad. I think it's fine for them to date of they want to. I would want to pick up and drop off but then my ds has a habit of leaving his phone switched off and not being where he is supposed to be.

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade · 18/10/2018 21:36

I think you should let him. Whatever the kids wanna call it, it's technically only a "playdate" I dont see why your DP doesnt think you should encourage 'it'.
I would wholeheartedly encourage my child to have enough confidence to ask a friend to enjoy an activity together, and as a mum to a preteen with asd I would also be preparing myself and the child for potential rejection.
Why not speak to her parents before he oficially invites her.
Let them know you can buy a third ticket if they prefer, then get yourself some goodies and sit well away from the kids lol.

overagain · 18/10/2018 21:37

I'm with Gooseygoosey let them go and enjoy themselves.

smallchanceofrain · 18/10/2018 21:44

I think it's fine. DS2 is 13 and has had a girlfriend for about 12 months. He has an Asperger's diagnosis. If I use the word girlfriend he rolls his eyes and says "She's a friend who's a girl, okay? We're not moving in together or anything!". It's all very innocent. They just like spending time together. I often taken the two of them out for the day and a couple of times they've gone to the cinema - with me dropping off and collecting.

DS2 has always had more female friends than male. All the boys in his year at primary were football mad. He hates football so he spent every break and lunchtime with the girls. I think because of this he finds it easier than other boys to have conversations with girls and girls seem to love him for it.

time4chocolate · 18/10/2018 21:51

If it was me, and I have a son with ASD, I would be fine with it and would be encouraging socialising (with either gender) within reason and as long as it was age appropriate. It will probably benefit him hugely. It’s a funny film, they can have a laugh and have something to talk about afterwards as friends. I would probably stay in the vicinity though just because my DS is a bit rubbish with a phone and at that age if their was an unplanned occurrence (ie a fire drill) I think he may panic. I expect they will have a great couple of hours.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 18/10/2018 22:02

I don't think there's any need to be declaring his medical details to a friend he's going to the cinema with. They're not moving in together.

Ilnome · 18/10/2018 23:24

I don’t know if my perspective will help but I have learning difficulties that affected me socially and would do things that I thought ‘normal’ people my age did because if I felt I was being perceived as normal I felt less alone and less self conscious - as long as the girls ma is cool with it why not?

ARoomSomewhere · 18/10/2018 23:52

my ds has asd.
he changed schools at 12 (he looked 17)
10 weeks later a 12 y/o lass came up to me at the Xmas fair
(she also looks 17) and introduced herself to me as: 'RSds' girlfriend'
I nearly fell over.
But its fine. 2 years on and they are happy. MANY many ups and downs. (i suspect she is not entirely nt either) as they learn about boy/girl friendships.
but its all age appropriate and good for their confidence.
I have not 'shadowed' them but have gone over things carefully a number of times as i would with an nt child, but a bit more, iyswim?

I'd let him go. And no need to 'explain' about his asd i agree.
i hope they have a lovely time.
(my ds lopes, wears a cowboy hat, and is the gentlest soul too :)

DarklyDreamingDexter · 19/10/2018 00:11

I think it's great he's had the confidence to do this. If the girl likes him and she is happy to go (and her parents are ok with it) what's the problem? It will do wonders for his self confidence. No need to tell them he has autism, why make an issue out it, especially if he is a gentle soul whose not likely to do anything inappropriate.

AjasLipstick · 19/10/2018 01:03

As others have said it's not a date. They're 12 and being taken and picked up. They don't have their own money...it's an outing.

Don't feel you need to disclose DS's autism because he has a friend to visit the cinema with !

tiredgirly · 19/10/2018 04:08

When I was at my naice grammar school, kids were having sex at 12/13 and not much less in the back of the cinema.

Monty27 · 19/10/2018 04:28

It's not a date. He and his friend who happens to be a girl are going to the cinema together. No Biggie.
You shouldn't need explanation to anyone. But I would be around to pick up and drop off.
I hope they have a lovely time.
Pizza and ice-cream back at yours? Maybe the girls dm could pick her up from yours.
I think it's fine albeit closely supervised.

Shadow1234 · 19/10/2018 04:47

I would let him go, and as others have said, if anything, it will help his confidence. Holding him back from a fun night out seems really unfair to me. I also dont think you need to mention to the other parents about his autism. Im sure they will have a lovely time, and now its half term, he might want to do it again quite soon !

3ChangingForNow · 19/10/2018 04:54

tired that's what I was going to say!

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