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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband meeting up with ex

46 replies

greengagesunshine · 18/10/2018 17:16

My DH has been married before (ended years before I met him), they met when he was 20 and married a year later. However, she was over ten years older, and acted much older than her actual age. The marriage ended after only a few years, he moved to the other side of the country and I met him.

He has always felt guilty about not succeeding in his first marriage and his ex has had difficulties letting go. She has never met anyone else, hasn't any friends (DH says she falls out with people easily) and her elderly parents have both died. She regularly calls and texts DH , has added him as next of kin in her will and a few years after DH and I met, asked for her wedding ring back. She had given it back to him when they separated, it is quite valuable so we assumed she wanted it as an asset. However, she is wearing it again.

She regularly asks to meet up with DH, I have met her once and DH has met her a few times. I, obviously, would be more comfortable with him not meeting her but I do feel sorry for her so just put it down in my mind to the equivalent of meeting up with a maiden auntie.

DH and I both have extremely hectic jobs, children that keep us busier than busy things and very little time (or money) to spend quality time together. He asked a week ago if he could meet up with his ex this weekend. I was a bit  as it has been well over a month since we have spent a full weekend together due to work commitments, children needing to be different places etc. I said it was ok as she has been badgering him for a while and thought I can take advantage of him not being there and have a duvet day with the kids. All fine, not ideal but only a small bit of a larger picture and not worth worrying about. However, I asked this morning, as I was heading out the door, where they were meeting and they are meeting in a lovely tourist town and spending the whole day together! I was a bit taken aback and just said, "you're taking her on a date?!" but couldn't stay any longer to have a conversation.

AIBU to feel really, really jealous? It has been a very long time since we have had a day out, just the two of us and I have never been to this place with DH. I do trust him, and know he is just trying to be nice but feel he has really overlooked my feelings in all this. I know his sisters and his mother would think he is being unreasonable, but we get on really well and they didn't like his ex. My green eyed monster is wanting to have an argument but the rest of me is saying to just be the bigger person. I do feel a little jealous when DH has contact with his ex, would be strange if I didn't, and I do feel a little envious when he goes somewhere nice without me but this has given me that awful knot in the stomach feeling.

OP posts:
kitkatsky · 18/10/2018 17:19

YANBU. I'm not a jealous person and I'd never be comfy with this. Why not go with him and take the kids? If he wants to be friends with her not sure why he'd mind?

OrigamiZoo · 18/10/2018 17:20

He's spending the while day out with his Ex when he has a wife and family at home??

Sod that for a game of soldiers. I would not be having that at all.

He should tell her he has moved on and has a wife and family.

YANBU. At all.

Prettysureitsnotok · 18/10/2018 17:23

This isn't fair on you or on the ex. She clearly isn't over him and he's basically stringing her along. I'd be gutted if my DP found time to take anyone his ex on a nice day out when he doesn't have the time to do the same with me.

How would he react if you told him this can't go on? Is he attached to her / likes the ego boost or does he claim to find her irritating as well?

Bluelady · 18/10/2018 17:25

I'm the least jealous person in the world but even I would feel uncomfortable with this. A couple of hours over a coffee maybe but a whole day? Seriously?

gimeallthecake · 18/10/2018 17:26

Yeah that's a fricking date. Could you ask can you and the kids come too?

blackcat86 · 18/10/2018 17:29

I wouldn't be happy with this OP. Meeting for coffee or lunch I could live with but going off for the day whilst you sort out the kids doesn't sit well. It sounds like more than just taking pity on her. It doesn't mean he's up to no good but it isn't having good priorities either.

Jamiefraserskilt · 18/10/2018 17:31

He needs to see how wrong this is. If the situation were reversed, how would he feel?

PurpleFlower1983 · 18/10/2018 17:31

I’m not a jealous person but I wouldn’t be comfortable with that at all!

AbbieLexie · 18/10/2018 17:31

And she's wearing the wedding ring from when they were married!

Merryoldgoat · 18/10/2018 17:32

Fuck that. I’m a very un-jealous person but when time together is at a premium I would not be supportive of him spending a whole weekend day with her.

In my opinion your DH needs to cut ties. It’s not appropriate when she’s obviously still harbouring feelings. Wearing her wedding ring etc. is just plain odd and I’d be keeping a very close eye on her.

WhatAboutTheWeather · 18/10/2018 17:34

Nope. Over the line by a loooooong way.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/10/2018 17:35

I have never been a jealous person but this nonsense is completely unacceptable. Not only is this inappropriate, it's not healthy for his ex. Your husband's only priority should be you and your children. I highly doubt he would accept you dating your ex, and that's exactly what HE is doing. I fear this is going to severely impact your marriage if your husband doesn't remove his head from his arse.

Laiste · 18/10/2018 17:36

Bollocks to having that OP. What's he playing at?

CharismamaMia · 18/10/2018 17:36

I dont blame you for feeling put out. He is spending a full day with her when you havent had a weekend together for a month!!
Even if it is not romantic he is giving her his free time

greengagesunshine · 18/10/2018 17:38

I would rather stick forks in my eyes than meet up with my ex . I feel a bit silly saying to him that I a, jealous, DH is a very kind hearted man and will always do what he thinks is morally right. I don't want to put my foot down, I just wish he had thought this through a bit more. I shall have to talk to him though, we all know jealousy festers and it could end in a massive argument.

OP posts:
Rach182 · 18/10/2018 17:39

YANBU. He shouldn't be going... totally inappropriate and inconsiderate to you and your children.

yorkshireyummymummy · 18/10/2018 17:41

Is his wife’s name Demi Moore?
Is that you Mila?? ( btw, LOVE you in bad moms!)

yorkshireyummymummy · 18/10/2018 17:43

No, seriously, he needs to tell her this is not appropriate and this bloody ‘ date’ needs to be cancelled so he can spend some quality time with his ( very attractive ) wife.

He isn’t with her any more. He owes her nothing. AND HE needs to realise this. If he doesn’t realise this, then you need to tell him.
You are being too nice and too patient.

Solenti · 18/10/2018 17:45

That's fucked up. She's put on her wedding ring again?!
This isn't fair on you OR her. She's clearly not moved on and your ex is enabling her (and probably enjoying) behaviour and effectively stringing her along.
It would be a no from me - if he wants to have this kind of relationship with her, he can piss off back to her properly. The nerve of going on a bloody date with your ex when you can't take your current wife out!!

JamPasty · 18/10/2018 17:49

Frankly he's being really cruel to her leading her on like this. Tell him that.

ems137 · 18/10/2018 17:50

I find this hard to comprehend because there's no way on this planet my DH would spend any time with his ex anyway. This would be way over the line for me though, I am a fairly jealous person and I'd feel jealous (but not say anything) if they met up for coffee/dinner but a whole lovely day out?! I'd put my foot down and it either wouldn't happen or we'd all go. As a family. As HIS family.

hammeringinmyhead · 18/10/2018 18:00

Ohhh no. Nope. This is not a friend; this is a woman who still loves him, and he was attracted enough to her to not only have a sexual relationship but to get married! I'd hate to think of her feeling smug that I was at home and reading feelings into it.

JessieLemon · 18/10/2018 18:01

I kinda have a different take on this...

What he’s doing is unreasonable, but you can’t really blame him when you’ve already shown him time and time again you’re okay with him being friends with her. You’re happy for him to talk with her, see her occasionally, you’ve met her yourself, didn’t even put a stop to it all once you found out she was wearing her wedding ring again, yet somehow this one meet up is beyond the pale because it’s in a nice town for longer than a couple of hours?

It’s mixed messages imo. It’s like telling him you don’t mind when he eats every last Dorito in the house over and over again (when you’d really quite like some yourself) then randomly exploding because he’s also eaten a Pringle 🤷🏻‍♀️

Okay crap analogy. But, I think either you are fine with him being close with her still, in which case this shouldn’t bother you cos after all they are friends with your blessing, or you’re not happy with it at all. And if you’re genuinely not happy and would prefer him not to have contact, assert yourself! Say that! It’s more than reasonable as a married woman with a family not to want your husband talking to or hanging out with his ex who still has feelings for him. Heck, even if she didn’t, most people would be unhappy with continued contact between their OH and ex regardless.

So I think this is a bigger issue than this one day. Is there a chance you would really rather she isn’t in your lives, but have either suppressed your own wishes for his sake or to appear ‘cool’, or you’ve never tried setting your boundaries cos you’re scared he will ride roughshod over them? Your comment about him always doing what he feels is right rang alarm bells for me: if you said ‘no’, do you worry he’d do it anyway?

poglets · 18/10/2018 18:10

Oh just an absolute fucking no! YADNBU.

greengagesunshine · 18/10/2018 18:14

He's just got home and announced that he has said he's not going as he would rather spend the time with us. Phew, I hate being jealous so a big relief.

OP posts:
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