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AIBU?

To want supervised contact

12 replies

user1496231209 · 18/10/2018 13:00

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable and it's quite long so please stick with me!

Five weeks ago It was the Second time DD's dad had her without me and it was bloody awful.
We came up to London so he could take her to see his grandad and agreed to drop her to me at the station for 3pm and she was 6 weeks old.
He left me and my 7 year old son stood there till 6.00pm and I used the station phone to call the police at that time because my phone died and he still hasn’t come back and she’s only 6 weeks old. He was ignoring my texts phone calls after texting at 4pm to say he’d lost track of time. I tried to ring straight after that text three times with no answer.
My older brother came and got my eldest as I was too scared to leave encase he turned up.
When he did, DD was dressed in just a vest and he stared shouting at me telling me she was too hot in a babygrow. He then proceeded to pull out a babygrow which apparently was soaking when I handed him but clearly he had dipped it in water as it didn’t smell of urine and wasn’t even the one she was wearing when I dropped her off but the spare one I packed.
He was really verbally aggressive and said if I wanted to make trouble (cause I called the police) then he could do the same for me.

Since then I've had numerous texts filled with lies about me, my parenting, my mental health and the aggressive incident which took place.
He's made two false malicious allegations to social services regarding me being neglectful and when that was disregarded as being malicious he upped the anti and said I threatened to kill him, kill my DD and smother her with a pillow cause she looks like him. Thankfully they saw straight through him, didn't open a case and referred me to woman's aid who have been amazing. He's made false allegations that I stole from him and this has resulted in me waiting to be interviewed under caution (these were clothes he brought for her online). I've been put back on antidepressants for anxiety which is currently through the roof and I'm living back at mums as I'm struggling massively. We keep getting silent calls on her house phone which make me terrified and I'm having panic attacks most days about what he's capable of even though he's never been physically violent

I've managed to sort out mediation and I stopped all contact after that incident took place at the train station. I want legal safety in place so he can't keep her and also I want supervised contact due to the allegations he made against me being so horrific. Is this unreasonable? I want him to have contact but I just want it to be safe

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user1496231209 · 18/10/2018 13:03

Just to add he also sent the police around twice for 'welfare checks'

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ZigZagZebras · 18/10/2018 13:05

I wouldn't even want him having contact, and would think you were unreasonable if you DID let him have her unsupervised after that. Poor thing must've been freezing cold in just a vest at 6 weeks old.

Tell him to either arrange supervised contact in a contact center, or apply to mediation. Then leave it down to him, hopefully he won't bother for your daughters sake.

Have you contacted the police on the non emergency number? Might be worth asking if they can flag your address as 'respond as urgent' in case he turns up. It will mean your number is linked to your address so if you phone but are unable to speak they will know there is domestic violence risk and a small child there.

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user1496231209 · 18/10/2018 13:07

Thank you lovely he's told me he's going for full custody so I wanted to be the one to instigate mediation so I didn't look like I wasn't trying to co-operate. I'm dreading it.

The police have a marker on the address as he sent texts with threats to show up with his family to see his daughter.

So many people have told me I'm out of order as though he's a pig to me he's not a danger to her.

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Rachie1973 · 18/10/2018 13:08

I’d use a half hour free solicitor and speak to them about a residency order or a prohibited steps order and see what they can offer.

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BarbarianMum · 18/10/2018 13:11

He's going for "full custody "? Ha fucking ha, let him try. In your position Id refuse all contact unless court ordered and I sure as hell would want supervised contact.

He will absolutely be a danger to her (mental health) if this is how he treats women.

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Ginger1982 · 18/10/2018 13:12

Yup, refuse contact. Let him take you to court.

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user1496231209 · 18/10/2018 13:13

Thanks girls I've refused and we now have to go through mediation before it can get to court.
I have no doubt he'll deny everything and continue to lie.
It's nice to have that reassurance that asking for supervised contact isn't out of order

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LilMy33 · 18/10/2018 13:23

No wonder you’re struggling. The fact social services not only didn’t open a case at all but referred you to women’s aid says to me they’ve got your back as much as they can right now. Utilise all the help you can get from any agencies involved. I definitely think you need to get a non mol order or restraining order to stop him contacting you so report his harassment to the police. WA might be able to help point you in the right direction of legal help.

Right now, don’t let him see the baby. He’s shown he can’t be trusted to take care of her even on a basic level, let alone his disgusting behaviour since.

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gottastopeatingchocolate · 18/10/2018 13:29

Given his behaviour to date, it seems perfectly reasonable to suggest supervised contact.
Be aware that this is usually a temporary measure, and they will probably be looking to remove supervision at some point if he is not considered a risk to the child.
You do not have to accept mediation where there has been Domestic Abuse. Speak to WA about whether mediation would be better for you or not, and if you want to go ahead, how they can support you through it.

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ZigZagZebras · 18/10/2018 14:08

Personally I'd let him apply for mediation. Tell him that you will allow contact in a contact center, and see if he actually bothers to apply.
As long as you turn up you've shown you're cooperating, if you applying for him it just speeds up the process and removes the chance that he might just not bother.

It doesn't sound in her best interests to be in contact with him at all, the comments about smothering her with a pillow are very concerning, I'd be worried he'd harm her to hurt you or to try and blame you for it.

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user1496231209 · 30/10/2018 17:27

Just an update girls but he never even turned up for mediation and then tried to rearrange it blaming them for not giving him the correct date which was of course lies. I then found out he's denying that he's my DD's father to the CMS so I refused mediation when he tried to rearrange and said that I'd rather we now went straight to court.

On top of this, he's also lied to CMS saying he has a court order to have her 3 nights a week and also has got another girl pregnant and they're busy playing happy families while he makes my life hell.

Urgh.

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MrsStrowman · 30/10/2018 17:55

I remember your other thread OP, he just gets worse doesn't he! You're doing absolutely the right things, record everything, keep every voicemail and message, report the silent calls in the Chinese of the other abuse, let the court process take place all police records can be used. Women's aid will be able to give you support about the process but also support/counselling for you. You've done the right thing getting away from him and getting your baby away. Keep your cool in court, make sure your solicitor knows every little detail and sit back and watch him explode, I've seen it so so many times and judges really do not like it, let him be his own worst enemy.

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