AIBU to be upset about secret use of viagra

[SailAwayWithMeHuni]

I’m a regular on here but name changed as this is rather embarrassing.

The other day I was telling DH a story I’d read somewhere that included the use of viagra. Casually I asked DH if he had ever used it, he said yes and acted a bit sheepish. I asked if it was ever with me and he admitted he used it when we first got together.

We’ve been together 6 years and have a 10 month old baby but when we first started seeing each other it wasn’t common knowledge, although not a complete secret, as I’d just got out of a long term relationship and we worked together, this meant rather than going out we spent a lot of time at his house having lots of great sex.

If I’m honest, the sex life was part of the reason our relationship progressed and my feelings grew stronger, I thought we had great chemistry, physical attraction and a great connection and I really enjoyed it. Now I’m thinking that the connection I thought was there wasn’t genuine at all.

Once the relationship was “official” and it was no longer on the down low the sex changed and we went from having it multiple times every time we saw each other to having it every few weeks if not months.

This upset me at the time so I discussed it with DH and he just said it’s because we are now going out and doing things.

We then went through a rocky patch and that was then his reason for not wanting it like before.

After that things were good with us but the sex was never the same as before. I’d just got used to it so never said anything.

This revelation about the viagra has really got to me and without realising it has been causing us to bicker the last week. I haven’t said anything to him about how it’s made me feel but I need to either let it go or have a conversation about it with him.

I feel like I should mention that he does suffer with premature ejaculation but at the start this wasn’t an issue as he’d last longer the second time around. The logical part of me knows that this was obviously the reason he used it but it doesn’t stop me questioning things.

So AIBU to be upset or would you be as well?

I can't comment on how you may feel, but I can spin you a yarn from a male perspective if you like...

I was with my kids mum for about 10 years, my only serious long term relationship at that point in time. We got together in my very early 20's, and with the exuberance associated with youth there were never any problems getting it up!

Fast forward 10 years to the end of the relationship, we still had a strong sex life and I knew her inside out and how to push all her buttons, sex was always enjoyable and I had a confidence that I took totally for granted.

Then once we split up and the time came to start shagging other women, I got the absolute shock of my life that at the ripe old age of 30-odd, coupled with a bit of nervousness about having sex with someone new and wanting to put in a good performance, not to mention wearing a condom... Turns out getting and maintaining an erection wasn't as easy as it all was when I first got with my ex!

After a few embarrassing failures (which did nothing to help matters) I bought some Viagra to keep in my back pocket to help in times of need, where the mind is willing but the penis is flaccid and spongey. I don't usually need it, especially as the relationship goes on and I become comfortable/confident and move away from condoms, but early on it's been a bit of a godsend a few times.

So I have a lot of sympathy for your DH. Clearly his mind was in the right place and he wanted to shag your brains out, but sometimes the body doesn't do what the mind wants. He just used a pill to make what you both wanted to happen, happen.

Thank you YetAnotherUser that is actually really helpful. Makes me realise it’s nothing to do with the feelings and desires not being genuinely there, just need a little aid.

YANBU to be a bit hurt, but I also think you may be building it up in your mind. That great sex? That was still real. He still wanted you and desired you. The connection can't be faked with a pill.

It does sound like sex is more important to you than it is to him, and that's perhaps something to think about/discuss.