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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Terrified I'm ruining my future

18 replies

Florenceblondie · 17/10/2018 16:24

Been with dp 7 years. I have a dd from a previous relationship who is 8. I had my dd when I was 19, I'm 28 now.
I had a miscarriage in Aug. I was very upset but it's made me realise that I don't think I actually want a baby. I love the idea of being pregnant and going through that amazing journey with someone you love, giving my dp and his family a child.
The idea of having an actual baby just fills me with dread. My life is hectic enough without the added stress of another one.

I feel that I'm finally getting my life on track now that dd is a bit older.
We just bought a house a year ago with the view of trying. I'm bottling it so much.

Our relationship has been a bit rocky since my realisation. I've ended up liking a married man and I told dp about it out of guilt. I would never act on my feelings and I'm doing my very best to avoid the man and get over it. I think the married man likes me too but not enough to start something too.
Dp asked if anything was wrong in our relationship and I told him it's kids. He said he will wait until I'm ready but I told him I don't know if I ever will be.
Do I have kids with him and secure my family? He is a wonderful parent to my dd. His family are lovely. He works so hard. He is just an amazing person and down the line I'm going to lose him aren't I? And my dd will resent me and I will end up alone and watch my dp sail off with someone else and have kids together...while I watch on in deep regret.

OP posts:

GreenLantern53 · 17/10/2018 19:11

So your asking whether you should have a baby whilst having feelings for another man?

Original poster

Florenceblondie · 17/10/2018 19:50

Nothing can or will ever happen with this other man. It's a silly crush that should pass. There is no future with him what so ever so I'm not basing my future on him. I wish I didn't feel the way I do, i feel awful about it.
I just don't know if I want kids in the future. Definitely not now.

OP posts:

GreenLantern53 · 17/10/2018 19:55

your only 28, do you need to decide that now?? theres plenty of time.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/10/2018 19:56

You can't possibly make this decision while you fancy the other man. You need to kill that crush first and then reassess.

danigrace · 17/10/2018 19:59

Hypothetically if this other man honestly said right I'm available and ready let's see where things go between us would you go for it? If so maybe you should question your feelings for your DP, you may lose him over lack of trust, all future family issues aside if you have feelings for other people.

But putting that (very important) part to one side, I think it's always scary to have a baby, those jitters are normal I think. Did you previously want another baby and now aren't sure? Or is it never really something you wanted?

Original poster

Florenceblondie · 17/10/2018 20:05

@danygrace I honestly don't know the answer to your question. If he was available it would be really hard and I would be very tempted but probably not stupid enough to give up everything for him.

I have waited and waited for the broody I'm ready feeling and I've never got it. I think I would be having a baby for dps sake and his family. They long for a grandchild and I know dp would love one of his own
Do I want one? No

OP posts:

danigrace · 17/10/2018 20:31

Do I want one? No

If it's as clear cut as that then you've answered your own question. You need to be honest with your DP and say what you've said here - the only reason you have for thinking of having a baby is to not lose him but you really don't want one yourself right now. You may want one in future and you may not.
Do you have days where you'd like to see DD as a big sister and feel a baby in your belly again and have all the nice baby parts again or does the whole thing fill you with dread/not appeal?
It must have been very hard and scary having DD on your own at 19, do you think subconsciously remembering some of those feelings may be holding you back?

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2018 20:35

If you don't want any more children, having one just to appease someone else would be the biggest mistake of your life. Stand up for what you want for your life.

Original poster

Florenceblondie · 17/10/2018 20:39

I feel bad for not giving my dd a sibling. She would be an amazing sister, she is so nurturing and loving.
The idea of pregnancy sounds nice but in reality I know I would suffer terrible spd and be almost bed bound from 20 weeks which is what i have been told will happen.

The thought of more mess, less time, tantrums, nappies and potty training, childcare and finances just fills me with utter dread.
This liking for the married man came about literally 3 weeks after the miscarriage which was odd. This is very, very out of character for me and I have never been even slightly interested in anyone else before this. I wouldn't even even look an attractive guy and think anything of it.

OP posts:

danigrace · 17/10/2018 20:45

Do you think you'd benefit from some counseling OP?

Tomatoesrock · 17/10/2018 20:52

You both want different things, unless you both can agree it won't work.

I would be concerned too as you have feelings for another man. Your DP sounds great but it doesn't seem like he is enough for you.

user1493413286 · 17/10/2018 20:57

I would actually give yourself a bit of time to get over the miscarriage and get on a bit of an even path again. I think the sudden liking of the married man was a bit of a defence mechanism of some kind/a way of distracting your mind/somehow protecting yourself.
I’d revisit it in the new year to consider whether that’s it for you with children and then let your DP make his decision. I really don’t think now is the time to be making big decisions.

Original poster

Florenceblondie · 17/10/2018 21:00

I'm not sure. I don't fancy it but maybe it would help.
I think in the meantime I'm just going to focus my energy on my dp and dd and try and build myself up again. I've been honest about the situation and if in a couple of years nothing has changed then I will know for sure what to do.
I'm going to keep avoiding the married man. He's at work but if I can help it I would only see him 10 mins a day and I don't even have to talk to him. I think it's just attraction for him, nothing else. He knows how I feel and I told him I wouldn't dream of acting on it. Some days I catch him staring, others he trys to avoid me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Florenceblondie · 17/10/2018 21:03

Yes, user I think maybe somehow I've ended up using the married man as a distraction. It's maybe developed from there.

OP posts:

danigrace · 17/10/2018 21:07

I think it quite possibly would help OP. And yes be kind to yourself, and focus on nurturing yourself and your family and see where that leads you.

Original poster

Florenceblondie · 17/10/2018 21:12

Thank you @danygrace you have been so kind.

OP posts:

FlowThroughIt · 17/10/2018 21:25

If you're positive your partner wants kids and you don't then you need to stop stringing him along. Why prolong the inevitable?

Bluetrews25 · 17/10/2018 21:34

Could it be that the miscarriage made it 'real' for you, and you are now recalling all the hard, nasty bits of motherhood, and forgetting all the lovely bits, plus trying to sabotage the need to get pregnant again by allowing the crush on MM. You did not have to confess to DH, and certainly didn't have to tell the MM!
Sounds like a clear case of cold feet.
Counselling, as PP suggests is a great suggestion, to work out how you really feel.
Don't have a child if you don't really want one, but do figure out if it's fear of another miscarriage that's stopping you, or something else.
Very hard place for you at the moment, OP.

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