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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To take this job?

18 replies

Cakemakeslifebetter · 17/10/2018 16:02

I'll try give as much detail here without being outing but apologies if I end up drip feeding!

I've been out of my career role for a few years (we moved and I took up an admin job, that I don't enjoy). I have recently been offered a job back in my old line of career but at a higher position. Great!

Now the issues: it's 4 hours away in another town, so we would need to move.The job is not something that would become available where we currently live.
DH loves his job but would be hopeful he could get something similar in the area eventually but I'd feel guilty pulling him away from a job he loves just so I could have a job I love.
My DM has my very young DC set days and they now have a strong bond, she's upset about the idea of not getting the time with DC now. Plus there is the loss of childcare help and support that we receive from her and other family.
My DGM needs assistance now and I help my DM with this but wouldn't be able to if I take this job.
The job is a high pressure/long days type job and I'm already feeling the mum guilt of it all.

I would love, love, to be back doing a job I get a thrill out of. But I feel I would be being incredibly selfish to take this up.

Genuinely feel torn as it's a now or never type - do I accept the job or not?

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 17/10/2018 16:05

Would it be possible to live away for the days you’d be working. My DH has done that for jobs regularly over the past 30 years.

Original poster

Cakemakeslifebetter · 17/10/2018 16:09

That is something that will happen for the short term until we get things in line but can't be a long term solution as I'm worried about not seeing my kids, the costs of 2 homes etc.

OP posts:

newmumwithquestions · 17/10/2018 16:09

I agree with the staying away option. Could you negotiate 1 day working from home /4 days away?

Failing that I still say try to take it. why did you move to an area where you can’t do your career job? Confused....

newmumwithquestions · 17/10/2018 16:11

Cross posted.
How does your partner feel? I see too many women take a back seat career wise, so I’m not saying you have to follow what he says but this will be easier if he’s supportive!

rookiemere · 17/10/2018 16:11

Never underestimate the actual cost of free childcare. Being close to your DM is a bonus and being able to provide help to your DGM a way to pay back the favour.

Sorry but unless there are great benefits to the DCs - really good schools compared to bad ones in current area- I'm not convinced you'd be justified in moving. Or maybe if its a six figure salary.

Original poster

Cakemakeslifebetter · 17/10/2018 16:21

Newmum - varied reasons, it would be quite outing to go into them all. Mainly DH's job but I don't regret moving from that location. I did underestimate how much I would miss the job though.

Partner is very supportive, he wants me to have a job I enjoy, but also feels torn as he enjoys his job. There is the likelihood (not guarantee) of something coming up he may be able to move into.

Rookie Yeah see that is pretty much what I am struggling with. But then I think that before I know it they will be in school and I'll still be stuck in the job I'm in.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cakemakeslifebetter · 17/10/2018 16:24

Rookie also no need to say Sorry, I need to hear honest, unbiased opinions!

OP posts:

babybrain77 · 17/10/2018 18:59

How old are the DCs? Could you find somewhere to rent short term whilst you settled in to the job (maybe 6 months) and have your mum to stay with you a night or two a week with the DCs and DH at the weekends? Then you could make a more informed decision on whether a move was worth it.

Maybe the new job could accommodate some flexibility once you knew the role and the people which would make it doable to be away a couple of nights per week?

ThistleAmore · 17/10/2018 19:03

Here's the biggie: who would be the higger earner/person with the best career progression?

Original poster

Cakemakeslifebetter · 18/10/2018 10:13

Babybrain I have 2 under 2! DM couldn't stay with me, she runs her own business full time, with staff etc so needs to be available. (Yes she runs her own business, helps with my DC and is responsible for my DGM, she's superwoman!)

ThistleAmore DH would still be the higher earner for now. But the progressions available in my role has the potential to earn twice his salary, where as he is near the top of his salary potential.

OP posts:

AgentProvocateur · 18/10/2018 10:20

I’m usually the first person to say ‘take the job’ and I would still say that if you could do it without the upheaval of moving. If it’s a full-on, long-hours role, you’ll not see much of your DC anyway, so as others have suggested, it would be best if yoh hired a room there for three nights during the week rather than move everyone.

Hoppinggreen · 18/10/2018 10:29

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t
It’s just too much and yes, I would also say that it you were a man
Mind you I’m pretty change averse

tiggerkid · 18/10/2018 10:35

Is it possible to find a place from which you could both commute to your respective jobs, so that your husband can keep the job he loves too?

Your mother being upset about not seeing the children as often is sad but unfortunately that's life. If she no longer works, she has more flexibility to decide whether she can accept seeing her grandkids not as often as she used to because you need to develop your careers or whether she'd like to move with you to be closer to continue seeing your kids as much as she'd like.

You can't accommodate every single person's wishes in your life. Something inevitably always has to give.

Original poster

Cakemakeslifebetter · 18/10/2018 11:27

AgentPro Yeah that's the plan for the short term so maybe I'll accept, try this way out and see how it goes from there. That gives me time to see if I like the company etc before moving my family.

Tiggerkid I know that I shouldn't turn down the job for her, but I wanted to highlight the childcare she provides.

OP posts:

HashTagLil · 18/10/2018 11:33

I agree with PP's suggesting a possible work from home day and a couple of nights in the local Travel Lodge, at least to begin with.

Good luck, it won't be easy either way.

HashTagLil · 18/10/2018 11:34

We did similar for 5 years, but it was my husband working away and our children are older. It was hard but ok once we settled into a routine.

tiggerkid · 18/10/2018 12:42

I know that I shouldn't turn down the job for her, but I wanted to highlight the childcare she provides.

As I said earlier, something always has to give. If mum doesn't move to be closer to you and you choose careers, then childminders will have to be paid etc. Unfortunately, it's very hard to have it all.

Linziepie · 18/10/2018 12:47

I don't think you should take it as your DP loves his current job. Jobs are often very different than they are on paper and you may end up absolutely hating it. You already mention that it is long hours and high stress, if you throw in horrible boss and clique colleagues you may end up regretting it.

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