AIBU to worry about relationship with DH post baby

[Whatswrongwithme1]

My husband and I are finding it extremely difficult to carve out time for each other since ds1 was born. He's now almost 1 year old

I'm still on maternity leave and DH works fairly long hours, pitching in when he gets home

We have lots of help from family so we're extremely lucky, but i don't think a baby sitter for the occasional meal is going to cut it

I'm a little sad at how our relationship has changed. We're still great friends and arguments are few but we literally haven't the time or energy to do the little things we used to do together. We were always very independent but we used to enjoy our time together too, even just hanging out watching tv. We revelled in each other's easy company.

For example, now- there's no time to ever lie in and cuddle, even for 5 mins. We're just tag teaming with early riser who is extremely active and determined to hurt himself!! I have noted many times how we can go a day or more without physically touching. There used to be jokey hugs, hand holds, arm strokes etc. I know it sounds silly but I think it makes a difference over time.

Our relationship is mostly transactional and we just don't have time or energy to give to each other. Kindness is hard to give out when you're tired and irritable. I'm mourning our old relationship hugely.

I never wanted it to be like this pre baby, I was always a huge believer that we'd manage your time my time our time. I now think that was maybe naive. Our beautiful son has taken up every spare second, every kind thought and gesture. We love him dearly, we're happy as a family and are extremely lucky to have him.

But will this get better with time, or do we have to take action ASAP? I know our relationship is very important for DS happiness too but- where are we going to draw resources from to work on things?

Your experiences would be much appreciated

I does get better with time op. Your ds' age is a really demanding one, but we found that once dd got to about 3, it really settled down and she started becoming more independent. She started preschool, and so was receiving activities and mental stimulation that we weren't having to provide. This took the pressure off and left us with more energy for each other.

By the time she was 4, she really became less dependant on us and happier to play alone without constant interaction from us. This gave us more space for our marriage, and we really reconnected.

Now we are expecting dc2 and waiting for it to all start over again.

I understand how you feel op , we have a baby of the same age (he's a rubish sleeper!) , it's really hard to find time together.

I know you say that a meal out won't cut it , but it's a good start. Dh and I are considering a monthly 'date' night actually.

Also we've got a family membership for a local nature reserve which means more family time for us. We take a picnic and make a day of it.

What about a holiday? Have you got somewhere nice booked for 2019 perhaps?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that focusing and both family and couple time helps you adjust.

Have you spoken to your husband about your concerns by the way?

I found the worst time relationship wise was once DS was mobile, active, and 'determined to hurt himself'.

It has got better as DS has got older, it really was a case of just hanging in there and recognising that every phase they go through will pass and there will be more opportunities to grab even just a hug or a pat on the arm, just that little bit of physical contact that makes such a difference.

It does get better with time. But it is also something you need to work on.

Does DC need to be attended to straight away in the morning or could they be left to amuse themselves for 10 mins so you can have a quick cuddle together? Can you both carve some time out to spend time together in the evening? Also make the effort with meals out etc.

Thank you all so far, really do appreciate your words of wisdom.

We've talked A LOT- we're good at keeping communications open even if they're 3 hour chats at bed time which involve a fair amount of analysis and arguing!

In response to holiday q- ironically we're away at the moment although it was a fairly over-ambitious holiday which has highlighted baby difficulties - and also how much we have essentially given up (not complaining, but impossible not to notice)

It is really about making the effort to touch each other, however brief. A touch of the hand, a stroke down the back even if you are just doing something mundane like emptying the dishwasher. This physical contact is part of saying 'hi, I'm here, you are here'. We kiss, a lot. A quick kiss when entering or leaving a room. When we have been working on different beds on the allotment. Before we talk, we kiss.

Try greeting each other before greeting your DS when you meet after being apart even for a short time. Children need to be at the centre but only because they cant look after themselves. They dont have to be everything.

I think children like seeing their parents do nice things for each other (before they turn into teenagers and any sort of physical contact between parents is seen as yuck!).

Also, it does get better. There are various times with children that you start to wonder 'is this it?' The primary school years were like that for me. Then something changes the dynamic and life spins again.

My DCs are now adults (kind of).

we're good at keeping communications open even if they're 3 hour chats at bed time which involve a fair amount of analysis and arguing!

Have a shag instead 🤣

@PositiveVibez makes a good point

Hah you're probably very right! Another thing that's gone south since baby.

Do you each have parents on hand who like to help out with your son? Now he's one may be they'd consider having him overnight once in a while to give you both an evening off?

It is tough, lots of sympathy OP.

What time does DS go to bed and what do you do in the evenings? We were struggling when DS was younger (now 10 months), but having a few hours together to cuddle and watch tv or play a board game or just have a really good chat helps. We're pretty relaxed about housework and since we all started eating together and then one person clears up and the other does bath and bed, it usually works well (when DS is teething is another matter). Also trying to do nice little things for each other (like cups of tea or the chocolate I bought DH yesterday when he said he'd had a bad day), kissing hello and goodbye, lots of hugs, trying to appreciate what the other person does to make your life easier, listening and putting down your phone (I'm not always great at that one). It is so tough when you're tired but I think little things like touching or joking do help you feel like a couple and not just DS's parents.

We have lots of help from family so we're extremely lucky, but i don't think a baby sitter for the occasional meal is going to cut it

It might not solve everything but it would probably help and certainly couldn't do any harm.

Sounds silly but we make sure we have a cuddle on the sofa after DD goes to bed as we were finding the same thing with a 1 year old.
Overall though I do think it’s a matter of hanging on and waiting it out; it can’t be like this forever in the same way that I’m hoping I’ll get a little more time to myself as DD gets older