Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Honesty

16 replies

Sarah920 · 17/10/2018 12:41

Hi everyone,
I would like your opinion on something. I was going out with a guy and we were going to get married and everything but then it finished for reasons I won’t go into. Then he told me that for the last 15 years or so he had a woman with who he had a deep soul connection and every know and then they met up for sex and so on. And that she was the only woman he had ever truly loved and it was mutual. When he had had relationships, this was mutually put on hold and she never interfered with his relationships and he never did with hers. I think this is fundamentally dishonest. Not only that but it gave the lie to everything including professions of love from him to me. What do you think?
Looking back of course it now appears I had a continual rival and his heart was never in it. And of course I was fighting against something unseen. And therefore all those things which never made sense, sort of do now. He was also bisexual. I’m not a jealous person but I hate dishonesty, especially as he accused me of being with other guys which is something I have never and could not actually do. I’m pissed off to be honest because although it is over, there was I being accused of this when all the time it was him with the secret lover. He tried to explain it by just saying it was a soul connection and that they never interfered in each others relationships. But I can’t see it like that. I told him it was dishonest and he said it was all in my head.
He said yes to getting married then when the relationship was over said he had told me at the beginning he had never wanted a partner anyway and that he had told me that (of course he hadn’t). If that were the case why would he say yes to getting married?

OP posts:
Frogscotch7 · 17/10/2018 12:48

I wouldn’t give him a second more Headspace. You had a lucky escape.

LIZS · 17/10/2018 12:49

To keep you interested. He could then have his cake and eat it.

Italiangreyhound · 17/10/2018 12:51

I think you have had a lucky escape. He sounds like a prize shit.

He had a soul mate (ha is) sex partner in the back ground with some sort of off again - on again thing going on.

You are well did.

He also accused you of cheating!

Take a nice warm bath and wash that man right out of your hair.

Italiangreyhound · 17/10/2018 12:52

Well rid of him.

Thenewdoctor · 17/10/2018 12:53

You’re well did, although it sounds like he never saw her at the time he was seeing you.

You’re broke up. Put him behind you

Thenewdoctor · 17/10/2018 12:54

*rid

Sarah920 · 17/10/2018 19:32

Would anyone else like to comment? I'd like a broad range of opinions if possible. Thanks

OP posts:
ChocoPoppy · 17/10/2018 19:45

I am going to class what he did as emotional infidelity. He is insincere and cowardly. He is trying to twist things by claiming he never wanted marriage and told you so at the start of your relationship, while also agreeing to marry you. For all his faults this "other woman" is worse for hanging around for him for 15 years, if he was this great soul connection he would have been with her from the start.

This man is dishonest to his core, lying to you and probably lying to himself, claiming deep spiritual connections with another woman when anyone can see by his actions that he has all the depth of a very small puddle. I would guess the kind of man that acts like this is vain, arrogant, deeply emotionally vacant and very possible has an inflated sense of his own intelligence. He would most certainly be controlling, stringing two people along.

He accused you of cheating as it justified his mistreatment of you, it allowed him to act however he wanted as he felt "justified". He is not worth another thought. Only feel pity for whoever he ensnares next.

Sarah920 · 17/10/2018 20:03

Yes Poppy, I think you are right.

OP posts:
staffiegirl · 17/10/2018 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sarah920 · 17/10/2018 20:31

I know his past with an alcoholic mother and a father who gave no boundaries, the psychology is not difficult to understand but what I can't get my head around is how a fantasy is created of being "honest" and yet by any normal standards this is deeply dishonest. I mean what is the point? I never knew what he wanted, he never said, despite me asking. It just all seems rather narcissistic and borderline psychopathic. Are there any dissenting voices out there?

OP posts:
Sarah920 · 18/10/2018 18:25

I swapped the genders to get a balanced view of course.
Thanks

OP posts:
SleepWarrior · 18/10/2018 18:30

It doesn't matter what sex the person is. It's not open and honest so that relationship was never going anywhere good. Dust yourself off and be glad to be free of it, the whole thing sounds terribly unhealthy.

Italiangreyhound · 18/10/2018 20:53

Sarah920 I think you got a unanimous view that you are well rid of the other person. The other person being male or female, you being male or female, doesn't alter the facts. Did you expect it to?

Move on and be happy. Thanks

Sarah920 · 18/10/2018 21:07

Hopefully not. But there are some pretty extremist views here so I was just seeking some balance. Thanks.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 19/10/2018 01:11

Sarah920 because mumsnet is anonymous it does attract everyone who wants to speak their mind. It is a great and a scary place. But the irony of your one word thread title is not lost on me!

I know people think mumsnetters give different advice for males or females but that would be a very strange thing! The only difference I can see between males and females who string along their partners etc, is that women who are string along for years and promised marriage and kids and do not get it, can end up with no kids. Whereas men can start a family in their 40s or 50s or beyond if they have a suitably young wife/female partner.

But anyway, you are well rid and all the best. Thanks

New posts on this thread. Refresh page