To think history is destined to repeat itself

[colouredroses]

Especially in families.

My grandmother made some questionable (and very taboo of the time!) decisions around children and men. I.e. bad decisions with men, having children with the wrong people, absent fathers etc.

My mother made very similar decisions.

And I have realised over the last few days that I too, in recent decisions, have done the same thing.

I was always so sure that I had would not make the same choices as them and somehow have totally unwittingly sleepwalked into it.

How on earth do we break a cycle?! And why does it happen in the first place. I genuinely always though having seen the impact of my mothers decisions first hand I would not follow her journey. Yet here I am :(.

I don't know if this helps, but my parents have been together since 17, married around 22 and kids at 26.
I was pregnant and in a relationship with someone who didn't care about me at 18.

I'm extremely happy but sometimes wonder why I haven't met someone to have the sort of relationship my parents have. So in that sense I suppose history hasn't repeated itself. So it doesn't have to for you, you're aware of your situation and can make changes. Although I know it isn't always so easy!

This is just my musings nothing based in fact but I think it's because subconsciously we want to fix our role models mistakes rather than avoid them so we pick out bad partners in the hope we can "fix" them thus ending the cycle except it never works. I also think we can sometimes get stuck in a cycle of not feeling good enough so put up with more than we should.

We break the cycle by looking at what was wrong with previous relationships and what red flags could we have seen that we didn't and then avoiding those things like the plague. I've had some pretty rotten partners myself and when I feel ready to get back into dating although I don't know what i want from a partner or what a good partner looks like I do know what I don't want and what a bad partner looks like so I'm going to go backwards from there and see if it works out any better. Fingers crossed for us both!

OP I think it comes from a lack of understanding of what a good relationship is.

My old neighbour was a young, single parent. Her Mum had been too. My neighbour mentioned something in relation to my DH and said "Oh well, you can just make him buy you that!"

And I said "Why would I do that? We have a shared income...our money all goes together"

She was gobsmacked. She'd never considered that as something couples did. The Father of her child never shared anything with her or bought a thing or supported his child.

She had no idea what a healthy relationship was in many ways. I'm not saying you don't but perhaps there are some similarities?

Houseonahill has hit the nail on the head.
We subconsciously recreate situations that were traumatic for us so that we may attempt to resolve the trauma. For example, women who have had a baby removed going on to have more children without any real possibility of being allowed to keep them.
Do you think it would help to share your current circumstances for some advice on how to manage it more effectively than your mother and grandmother did?

Hi everyone happy to share a little trying not to be too outing.

My grandmother had 2 failed marriages, numerous children with different 2 dads from both marriages. Both men were abusive and absent fathers. In later life she married a wonderful man and settled down.

My mother has 1 failed marriage 3 children from 3 fathers (2 of which are absent). Again her later life partner seems more stable and settled than her previous 3.

I am in my mid 20s. Already a divorcee and have a baby with a man who I’m starting to think is not someone I should be staying with.

My parents met at 16, married and 18. A very happy marriage and madly in love. All in all perfect role models.
I have managed (up until latest DP) to pick absolute dickheads. DD’s dad buggered off before she was born, DS’s dad was emotionally abusive.
It’s always baffled me because I’m generally a very judge of character... except when it comes to picking a partner it would seem.

I wonder if because my parents’ relationship was so idyllic with no drama, cheating, or even major arguments that I have become too trusting with partners and assume they will behave the way my lovely dad did. I assume the best because I had only experienced nice, honest men in my childhood. I wasn’t prepared with how to deal with liars or conflict. I am now though!!!

I read a quote on here which stuck with me 'We seek the teeth to match our wounds'

I can see why you feel like you’e repeating the same patterns. But what did you find hurtful or harmful about your family as a child? What can you can do to protect your child or make things easier for them?