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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should you force your child to hug family members?

50 replies

MummyOfFourBoys · 16/10/2018 20:53

Ok, so a bit of a rant but what would you have done in this situation?
So we were at a big family birthday party with a handful of kids and about 30 adults. My kids had been going non stop since it started at 7pm and it is now 10pm and they are past it! So we start to say our goodbyes, I said goodbye to my mother-in-law first, kiss on the cheek and a hug, then she asks my eldest son (6) for a hug “give me a hug, Samuel” but he declined and she asked again “why won’t you give your grandma a hug?” With her arms out. He still declined by shaking his head and backed away.
But then she said to him, “You are so mean, Samuel!” She wasn’t joking either.
This was right in front of me and I just froze. It was obvious to me and anyone else that he didn’t want a hug (he has never been the affectionate type, especially when he is overtired) and I didn’t want to make him hug her (who would want a fake hug anyway?).
so I just let him go off and play. It was so awkward that I just ran off to my youngest who was covered with chocolate to leave the situation.
As we left, an hour later, my husband was very angry with Samuel and I asked him happened and he replied “He just refused to hug my mum!”
I just couldn’t believe that she had tried for a hug again! I felt really sorry for my boy and thought about it all night as I couldn’t understand why people were getting so angry about it. I think it’s because I would never force a child for physically touch without asking them as I always say “can I have a cuddle, please?” When I would like one or saying goodbye but if a child said no, I would respond, “okay, how about a high five?”
But then, is my son being disrespectful by not doing what he is told by his grandma? Is it rude?
Also, do I say something to her? What SHOULD I have said at the party?

Not sure what to think on this one guys. Let me know.

OP posts:

megletthesecond · 16/10/2018 21:18

No.

Ididnothearthat · 16/10/2018 21:19

Agree with pp
We need to teach our children about consent and we say it's never okay to touch someone else without their consent so we should model that. It's doesn't matter who it is. If the child doesn't feel comfortable they have the right to say no - and we want that for them later in life when they are teenager/adults that if they are ever not comfortable with a situation that they can say no!

Awrite · 16/10/2018 21:22

I say very loudly and very clearly "Child's name does not have to hug if he/she doesn't want to".

This is for my children to hear as well as family members.

I was never forced to hug. My children won't be forced to either. Not on my watch.

Brummiegirl15 · 16/10/2018 21:24

Absolutely not. My children don't have to do anything they don't want to when it involves body autonomy.

MIL left our house in a strop on Sunday because she didn't get a photo with my kids on her phone sat with her to show her mates at their Friday night get together. Oldest (who is nearly 3) didn't want to and youngest (11 months) was asleep

This ain't Seaworld, my children aren't performing seals designed to make someone else feel better

PinkyU · 16/10/2018 21:25

Forcing a child to aquiesce to unwanted, unsolicited and non consensual physical affection is a very slippery slope, regardless of the relationship involved.

muchalover · 16/10/2018 21:27

No means no. How on earth do we expect children to understand other peoples boundaries if we don't respect theirs?

Athena51 · 16/10/2018 21:32

Bodily autonomy and being able to refuse unwanted physical contact are essential I think. We can't impress the importance of consent on our children if they are forced to hug/kiss people (even family members) when they don't want to.

TooManyPaws · 16/10/2018 21:32

No. Just no. I absolutely hated being forced to kiss and hug people I hardly knew as a kid just because my parents told me too. Everyone has the right to say no to forced affection.

MattBerrysHair · 16/10/2018 21:33

YANBU. Ds2 hates touching anyone apart from me and exh. My dm would try to force him to hug his younger cousin and would get quite stroppy about it. I taught ds to say 'no thank you, I don't like hugging'. I had to be quite sharp with dm about it. Even my dsis, whose child it was who wanted the hug, couldn't understand why our dm was so put out about it.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 16/10/2018 21:38

But then, is my son being disrespectful by not doing what he is told by his grandma? Is it rude?

Nope, it's rude for an adult to push their physical needs or expectations onto a child; there are a million possible reasons for a child to refuse to give a hug, every single one of them should be respected and heard.

Also, do I say something to her? What SHOULD I have said at the party?
Absolutely say something to her; tell her you respect your children's right to bodily autonomy and won't be forcing them to hug or kiss anyone. If she dislikes that, it's fine. She can huff and be miserable about it, but she needs to learn that she has no rights when it comes to your DC.

3boysandabump · 16/10/2018 21:39

No. They should have to say hello and goodbye because that's good manners but kissing and hugging should not be forced.

My eldest will happily kiss and cuddle family members but ds2 will not and didn't really even when he was little other than me and his dad. Never forced it on him.

Laiste · 16/10/2018 21:42

ThroughThickAndThin01 - Laiste don’t quite understand why you think the op needs to speak to her dh about ‘boundaries’

Because OP said

As we left, an hour later, my husband was very angry with Samuel and I asked him happened and he replied “He just refused to hug my mum!”

If my DH was ''very angry'' with my daughter for not wanting to hug someone i'd be having a chat with him about supporting the child's physical boundaries.

papaoomama · 16/10/2018 21:43

I have this with a couple of relatives on both sides of the family and I hate it. Even when I actively say DD doesn't want to but maybe next time, they keep on about it.

They say "come here for a kiss and cuddle" and it makes it even harder. Would be so much easier if they just go to her and say "bye bye, see you soon" with a little ruffle of hair and peck on the top of the head perhaps.

Instead they expect a whole ceremony of going up to them with a big embrace and kiss and it's just not going to happen from a three yr old.

Another relative makes her DD's cousin kiss DD goodbye multiple times and coaches him saying "a big sloppy on one in the lips" and I say "no, she won't like that" and cousin 5 years old has her in a headlock almost giving hundreds of kisses and I always end up feeling like I'm telling I'm off. Very odd behaviour in my opinion.

DoctorTwo · 16/10/2018 21:45

My DD1 is not a huggy person. In fact, I am one of the few people she will willingly hug. I have told her, and her daughter, that they don't have to hug me if they don't want to. I am happy to report that they both still want to. If they didn't, there's no way I'd try to force the issue.

agnurse · 16/10/2018 21:48

Forcing children to hug and kiss people when they aren't comfortable teaches them that adults have control over their bodies. This is a HUGE risk factor for sexual abuse because a child learns that it's acceptable for an adult to kiss/hug them even when it feels uncomfortable.

I agree with asking if he would like to give Grandma a high five or wave to her, and explain to MIL that it's not personal - it's just about respecting his boundaries and you want to keep that message consistent.

bellinisurge · 16/10/2018 21:50

No. I don't let anyone insist my dd hugs them. Even my late Mum who dd was reluctant to hug at first. Mum was pretty elderly and frail. I was happy to encourage dd to high five and with some people, including my late Mum, she eventually started to hug them herself and let them kiss her on the head. She's not a huggy person and I respect that.

gamerwidow · 16/10/2018 21:52

No it's confusing to them if one hand you are teaching body autonomy and with the other you are forcing them to touch people against their will.

delilahbucket · 16/10/2018 21:54

She WBU. I have given many a fist bump or high five to nieces and nephews who don't want to do hugs/kisses when saying bye. It's on their terms and forcing the issue only makes them want even less to do with you.

Queenofthestress · 16/10/2018 21:57

The only person my kids have to touch when they dont want to is me, including my dp, unless he is the one looking after them. Whether it is a hug or a carry or anything else. No one touches my kids without their permisson. They own their own bodies and it is their right to have their 'no' heard. I don't like being touched by most people so why should they have to.

kitkatsky · 16/10/2018 22:01

No. I insist on manners eg saying thanks, not physical contact

storynanny · 16/10/2018 22:11

Absolutely not, children should be allowed to say no hugs. As a nanny I never insist on hugs or kisses if they dont feel like it. A bye nanny see you soon is quite sufficient and polite. One grandson initiates hugs and a kiss, one grandson doesnt like it, 2 grandaughters like a hug but not a kiss and the other 2 are babies.
They have to be able to learn to say no and have their wishes respected so that they are in control later in life and not be afraid to say no

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 16/10/2018 22:12

It is not "rude" or "mean" to decline unwanted physical contact and teaching children otherwise sends a very dangerous message. We should be teaching children that their bodies belong them and that no one, not even family members, have a "right" to touch them if they don't want to for any reason. They teach this in a lot of primary schools now ("from my head down to my toes, what I say goes" etc) so forcing children to be physically affectionate with relatives means they are getting mixed messages. Suggesting a high five instead is a good way to manage any awkward situations with friends or family members but again I wouldn't force the child if they don't want to.

E20mom · 16/10/2018 22:18

She's out of order and old enough to know better.

FlipperSocks · 16/10/2018 22:38

When faced with unwanted hug offerers, I stand next to my children and say "Ok, not feeling like a hug, how about a high five? Bye Aunty, wave goodbye to Aunty" say my own goodbyes and just move on.

dobbythedoggy · 16/10/2018 23:19

Dd is not a cuddly person. Other than myself, dh and her late great nanny she doesn't really do hugs. She has a wonderful relationship with my sistet and mum despite them not having had any cuddles from her since she was small. Mil tried to force the issue for a lot longer but now asks if dd would like a hug and accepts a no thank you well to her face. Unfortunately mil gets upset about the lack of hugs and kisses and doesn't understand why we don't force the children to shower her with affection the way she expects. She has finally started to enjoy having her photo taken which I think has soften the blow slightly for mil. We would always ask her if she wanted to give x a hug and if not ask her to say hello/goodbye to them instead.

Ds on the other hand is a whirl wind, you'll get a foot in the face if you try to hug him when he doesn't want one. At then moment he loves a good cuddle on your lap if you'll read him his favourite book again and again. He doesn't like being surprised by hugs or kisses, but will often throw himself at people if they ask for one.

I'm a huggy person but dh is not. He hated being forced as a child and used to try to hide from certain relatives as their wants were more important than his. He took a massive amount of physical bullying at school because he didn't think it mattered of he said no or not. He doesn't want our children to feel as powerless as he did and it was one of the big things we talked about before starting a family.

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