Was this stupid?

[pepsimaxyum]

My ex and his partner have had a new baby. We have a DS together. When he told me about it I was a bit shocked but figured it was bound to happen sooner or later. I left it a few days for it all to calm down a bit, then sent his partner a message saying congratulations.

I wasn't expecting a reply but she responded and I thought everything was ok. But then she started messaging Me again accusing me of all sorts. I pointed out to her that I was just being friendly and that as the baby is my child's half sibling it would be nice for all of us to try and get along and work together.

We have had no contact with each other apart from last year when she, again, was messaging me all sorts of rubbish, including accusing me of wanting my ex back and trying to take him from her, trying to get back with him, none of which I have done.

My AIBU is was I stupid in thinking I was just offering a nice gesture? I believe it's true that we are all going to have to deal with each other in the future for my ex and DS to continue having contact and my DS and their child too. Was it Insensitive? Or is it just her?? I'm confused!

Ex has said nothing about it to me at all.... yet.

I dunno could have come across as sarcastic if you dont get on. I wouldnt have sent anything personally.

Noooo not stupid! Your intentions were good. As green said, if you aren’t generally in contact then she just probably didn’t interpret it as you meant it.

What the fuck?! She sounds unhinged. I'd be made up if my DP's ex was civil. Why does she think that you want your ex back etc?

@GreenLantern53 I get that but my message literally just said congrats about the baby. No hidden messages no 'tone' to it.

@Lookatyourwatchnow I really don't know. But then I have no idea about anything he may or may not have told her.... it's just that we've only been in contact twice and both times she mentioned it. No idea. The word unhinges did come to mind slightly.

It's just we're all gonna be in each other's lives from now on due to the children. I don't see the point in it all being weird/unfriendly we're gonna have to work together and get on for the children's sakes why can't she just get on board with that???

I get that but my message literally just said congrats about the baby. No hidden messages no 'tone' to it

The problem is, that can have a tone if she is all wound up about whatever your ex has told her. You didn’t mean to obviously but there is potential to read one.

I’m not sure either how this means you need to be more involved with each other. Won’t your DS only see new half sibling during his contact time anyway?

Its hard to read the tone of something sometimes and shes just had a baby. i dont see why you need to be in each others lives more either??

@Namechangeforthiscancershit yeah I suppose that's true. I didn't meant anything by it and my replies to her confirmed that I think. I just said everything was about the kids etc and that was it. I reassured her last time there was nothing going on (as she implied there was) and that nothing ever would. Surely that's his responsibility to reassure her about it and those things I don't know.

They are moving in together the 3 of them very soon so I will more than likely see her and pick ups/drop offs and also our kids are half siblings, so I thought it would be nice if we could all get on. I won't have much to do her he but she is the mother of my child's half sibling and vice versa, I don't think we can just pretend the other doesn't exist. It's all about dynamics personally and when I spoke to ex about it he was nodding and saying 'yep' so I can only assume he agreed

This is the problem with a text though. You didn't mean any "tone", but it is completely impossible to tell that from a couple of words on a screen. It does seem odd to just contact out the blue if you didn't have a dialogue before.

I wouldn’t assume your ex nodding meant anything tbh as he doesn’t seem the greater communicator in the world!

You don’t have to pretend she doesn’t exist or vice versa of course. You want your DS to be comfortable talking about his new sibling and his/her mum, but I don’t think that needs direct contact between you and her. It’s kind that you tried but I don’t think you should give it any more headspace. It didn’t work, so just focus on your DS and reassuring him that he can talk to you about it all.

Well I didn't know she was pregnant or that the baby existed until a few days after the birth it was a big secret and ex was panicking About telling me so I guess I just offered it as a 'peace offering' goodwill gesture kind of thing? Maybe I was stupid.... I'll Defo keep quiet in future! There's so many bitter twisted bad feelings between ex's and new partners etc I genuinely meant it to be nice!

My parents didn’t talk in person or on the phone (just letters) for maybe twelve years of my childhood, but the birth of my lovely lovely half brothers was the best day of my life. I told mum right away and she acted very happy (don’t know if she was or not!) and then suffered through years of photos and stories about how AMAZINGLY ADVANCED they were. But she didn’t ever contact their mum as far as I can remember. She never slagged her off, just neutral and interested in the kids.

oh did you post about this before? if it was you i can see why she might not have taken it kindly as your acting abit obsessed.

Ah, if it was a big secret she will have been even more sensitive about the text I imagine.

You were not stupid. You tried, it didn’t work, so just make a new plan that does not involve your ex or the new partner.

I'm not sure how PC this is, but personally, when I'd just given birth my hormones were all over the place, and it was an even bet whether I'd thank somebody or kill them. And as you say, you don't know how things have been represented to her by the ex. And wouldn't you have to be kind of superhuman not to be feeling a tad defensive in her situation, whatever the ins and outs?

@mbosnz yes I remember the hormones everywhere feeling all too well. I guess maybe I'm not sure what ex has been telling her so I thought I'd offer an olive branch.

I totally take it on board what you guys are saying I did think of it before but I left it a few days after ex told me so thought it might be ok.

Point taken tho I'll keep quiet regarding her and new baby from now!

I think what you did was so classy, and so generous! I think it would have been wonderful if she'd taken it in that spirit, and perhaps she might have a moment of regret in the future that she did not. But I do think that being so generous and classy, - keep it up. I had a friend that cut me dead when she was pregnant from something I said that she took the wrong way, and once she'd had the babe, and a chance for everything to sort itself out, she was thinking 'oh crap'. . . we're good friends to this day. But we were friends initially. I guess I'm just saying - give it time! (I imagine ex is a little on the defensive side too, possibly. . . maybe you're making him look bad, lol).

@mbosnz I just don't want any awkwardness in the future y'know? I know we're never all gonna be best mates that would be weird and unrealistic I just don't see why we can't all be civil and I thought that's what I was doing... when someone has a baby you congratulate them

@GreenLantern53 is there a back story?

@pepsimaxyum have you posted about this before?

Absolutely. And you have done the right thing. And now you just back off, let them find their feet, give nobody any ammo, and hopefully it all sorts itself out in the future. Which it should. You've got nothing to reproach yourself for, you acted in good spirit, and just let that speak for itself.

@Lookatyourwatchnow yes I have about the fact that no one told me I found out myself... someone else my be able to link to the thread I don't know how. No back story tho. Only what I've said here! Maybe that's kind of the reason I messaged first, to kind of say all is ok, all is out in the open everything fine. Not that it wouldn't be, but I dunno - peace of mind I guess

well this is the second time op has posted about this in the space of a couple of days. she was annoyed at not being told (fair enough) so i can imagine the congratulations probably coming off the wrong way irl. especially since you all dont get on and ex was worried about how you might act which makes me wonder why..

It sounds like a fairly volatile relationship you all have tbh, at least not very amicable for you to have: not been told about the pregnancy, needed to 'calm down', not had positive communication in the past with your ex's partner.
I think it was an unwise move given all this, sorry. Your ex moving on and having more children doesn't mean that you now have any involvement in their lives. There is no need to 'work together'. If things were friendly then it would've been more ideal, but they aren't.
You can be cordial but indifferent, your children will navigate their own sibling relationships in their own family units (I speak from experience).

Yeah I totally understand where you're both coming from. Tbh me and ex are pretty amicable, and there's only been the one time of communication between me and his girlfriend, which was completely random she just messaged me out of the blue with all these accusations. I was shocked and a bit weirded out to find out they'd HAD the baby and not even been told, but once it sunk in I thought it would be a friendly gesture, but I now see how she might've taken it the wrong way or thought I was being funny. We actually had a half decent conversation after that once we'd cleared a few things up, so I hope I didn't offend her too much!