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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stay out of my friends live life..

14 replies

Himalayangirl1 · 16/10/2018 18:09

I have a friend called John. John is seeing Jenny. I urged John to ask Jenny out last tear but she was in arelationshio so said no. She contacted him a few months ago saying her relationship was over . Jenny is lovely. He was delighted. He told me then that he was asexual/ demisexual. He met Jenny every fortnight. Jenny was very happy. Jenny was in a very abusive relationship. John is a gent. John told Jenny he had no interest in sex. She told him she loved sex but was happy with that. John meets Jenny every week once a week when it suits him. John has a very busy active life. He fits Jenny in when he has time. She is getting frustrated.. sexually and otherwise. I urged John when asked not to be unfair and treat her as a priority or let her find someone who will meet her needs and also to meet someone who meets his. John didn’t like that. I understand why he is happy to keep up relationship but I’ve told him that I will totally support him but cannot solve his issues . He needs to speak to soeone qualified not a friend as he has anxiety surrounding his sexuality. Since then he is bombarding me with photos of her and messages about her and messages from her . I don’t know why but I’ve said what I’ve had to say. I want him to be happy . Am I best ignoring these messages

OP posts:

Hidillyho · 16/10/2018 18:15

What does he expect you to help him with?
If sex is a big thing for her and he isn’t interested in it then she could end up leaving him. It’s not as if you can pressure him into sex or pressure her out of wanting it. Some people are just incompatible in a relationship.

This issue will probably determine that he won’t want children (or I suppose he could but won’t want to have sex to have them) and that could also be a big deal breaker for her

Original poster

Himalayangirl1 · 16/10/2018 18:41

So don’t know what he wants! I do t know why he keeps sending me photos or messages about her or from her. It makes no sense. It’s almost like he is trying to convince me that he is being noble and honourable but frankly it’s not my business and I want to stay out of it as I think it has disaster written all over it as all his past relationships when his needs are met but the girlfriends aren’t .

OP posts:

slashlover · 16/10/2018 18:42

Has he spoken to other Asexuals about his anxiety? AVEN is a good place with forums www.asexuality.org/ and helped my with my issues, I'm now completely happy in my orientation.

If Jenny is sexual and John is not then it can work but it takes a lot of communication, especially around his boundaries and limits. If Jenny is feeling neglected and is not happy in the relationship then it wont work, it seems to be all about him and when he wants which has nothing to do with his sexuality.

Original poster

Himalayangirl1 · 16/10/2018 19:58

No he has not been on any fora. He identifies as asexual or possibly Demi. He says he is afraid to explore those areas of his life which cause him great distress . Yes it is all about him because he says he can only have a relationship on his terms eg he can have sex but doesn’t enjoy it. He is specific in his positions if and when. He decides when and where and what they will do. This lovely girl has told him that she loves him and accepts this is who he is . I totally understand why he is so happy . I think we would all be if everything was on our terms ... if not until the sh€t hits the proverbial ..I don’t like to burst his bubble but I can’t help but think he is being selfish both to himself and to Jenny although it really is none of
My business . It’s hard to watch, do I. Make sense?

OP posts:

FelicisWolf · 16/10/2018 20:02

This is very reminiscent of an earlier post from 'Jenny's' PoV... I'll try and find it so you can see the other side of the coin so to speak

FelicisWolf · 16/10/2018 20:05

It's not exactly the same situation, but quite similar http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am iibeingunreasonable/3394932-Why-wont-new-man-have-sex-with-me

Original poster

Himalayangirl1 · 16/10/2018 20:13

Yes read some of that. Very interesting read but I get the impression, which could be totally wrong, that Jenny is really happy at the moment but gets fleetingly frustrated . I know that sounds awful but by all accounts, she was treated so badly, she believes she is in love . He really is a gent and really really likes her. She feels the same . Am I being selfish... he asked advice, decided not to take it which is of course his choice but keeps looking for validation/ approval/ advice from me.

OP posts:

slashlover · 16/10/2018 20:15

He sounds very controlling. Just because he's asexual, it does not mean that he gets to dictate what happens in the relationship.

Some asexual people can and do have sex but telling people he doesn't enjoy it and therefore gets to decide everything is emotionally abusive to poor Jenny.

Could you speak to Jenny? She's gone from one abusive relationship to another and deserves better.

John is a gent.

He's really not.

Original poster

Himalayangirl1 · 16/10/2018 20:23

I must agree with you and thanks for your input. I think it’s very self fish of him to put her through this if you know what I mean. I have been very honest with him but as I said he chose to ignore advice, found someone who would accept the relationship on his terms but frankly, I don’t want to be his advisor / confidante anymore . Am I being selfish

OP posts:

slashlover · 16/10/2018 20:30

Am I being selfish

No. He wants you to tell him that what he is doing is fine, which it's not. You've listened, given advice and he's chosen to ignore it. Just tell him that you don't agree with how his is acting and cannot listen to him try to justify himself.

FelicisWolf · 16/10/2018 20:34

No, not being selfish. You have given him advice, and your opinion when it's been asked of you. He chose not to follow it, so it's weird he's now trying to almost convince you otherwise. You are not part of their relationship, he shouldn't try and make you feel guilty for something that has nothing to do with you at the end of the day

Original poster

Himalayangirl1 · 16/10/2018 20:35

Thank you. That’s exactly how I feel but I don’t want to be that disapproving friend when it really is none of my business . It’s complicated . He is happy. I want him to be happy. I know his confusion is hard for him but I feel like jenny is being made a mug of eventhough he treats her so well in may respects

OP posts:

slashlover · 16/10/2018 20:51

If he tries to talk to you then just tell him that you don't want to get involved in his relationship. He's happy, but that is coming at Jennys expense. I can only hope she finds the strength to leave him at some point (and I say that as an asexual).

Original poster

Himalayangirl1 · 17/10/2018 11:07

Thanks. I guess he is really really happy and I hate to be so dismissive of that but I really dislike that his happiness is at the expense of such a lovely sweet girl . It’s another side to him that I never knew and only when I read your observations did I realise that he is controlling the relationship and I never thought he was like that at all. I just wish he had given himself time and therapy to accept and love who he is and to meet like minded ladies whose needs would also be met. I fear that his future could be a sad one especially as this girl is years younger than him and when marriage and babies become involved if they do. She is so lovely but her self esteem is in tatters as it is. She accepts everything he says without question although does get mildly frustrated sexually and commitment wise already . Maybe it is a good trade off for them both?? Thanks for your insights and advice. I will be taking it on board .

OP posts:

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