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Original poster

WWYD BRIDESMAID COSTS

66 replies

Pinkclarko · 16/10/2018 08:45

Morning

I'm a bridesmaid soon. Been on mat pay for a while, have toddler nursery fees each month. Basically skint. I have to pay for dress hair and makeup myself as well as transport and accommodation(not in my home town). Got out of.hen do as its the weekend before and I can't do an overnight stay twice. This is all. Fine, been saving since I had the baby but my question is, would you get a gift too and if so how much would you budget? Won't be drinking as I just can't afford it! (also 20 birthdays that month including my elder daughter!) thanks all

OP posts:
IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 16/10/2018 09:28

No gift for the cheeky fuckers. Just a card, that is more than enough for people who expect you to fund their bloody wedding. Like others have said, is it too late to cancel hair and makeup and just do it yourself?

Loopytiles · 16/10/2018 09:29

You can easily “get out of” both: just state you won’t be attending the appointments due to cost. If the bride objects she can choose between paying or you doing it yourself.

Sleepsoon7 · 16/10/2018 09:37

Can you do a small photo/keepsake album as a gift? The album itself (Or even a small box) doesn’t have to be fancy. You could include a swatch of dress fabric, a pressed flower from the bouquet, get someone to send you some pics from the hen night and get her DM to send you a baby pic etc. If you have time get the other BMs to write their 3 favourite memories of the bride (or 3 best wishes for the future etc) on a piece of card. A bit of a faff to organise but lovely and personal (and no real cost beyond the album/box if you can print photos at home etc)

Sleepsoon7 · 16/10/2018 09:42

And I agree - do your own makeup. Does your hair have to be put up or can you just blow dry it and let her stick a flower in it...🌸!!!

ShadowHuntress · 16/10/2018 09:42

If she’s asking for hair and makeup in a specific style so you all match, she should definitely be paying. It’s very cheeky of her to ask you all to pay for yourselves for something she wants. I’d advise to just do your own makeup and hair they way you want. Save that money at least.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 16/10/2018 09:45

I paid for my bridesmaids dresses but not for the hair and make up, mainly because I didn't mind what they did. In the end I had a make up lesson with Clinique with one of them and they both did their own hair and make up.

If I'd have wanted them to do something specific I would have paid.

calamariqueen · 16/10/2018 09:47

My SIL was exactly the same. I said no thanks to to hair & make up, got hair put up at local salon for £15 & make up free from Estée Lauder counter in boots. Saved £105, looked/felt a million bucks 😊

Aeroflotgirl · 16/10/2018 09:52

Yes even if she isen't from this country, there is noway I would agree to be her BM with all those costs.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 16/10/2018 09:59

If she only told you the costs yesterday there is still time to say you can’t afford the hair and make up session on top of the dress etc so you will be doing your own. She can’t force you to pay, at worst she can sack you and then you are relieved of all the costs.

I think Australian and American brides expect their bridesmaids to pay but this is understood from the outset. It’s OK to say no under those circumstances without causing offence.

In the UK it’s very tacky to expect bridesmaids to pay anything. They are part of your wedding party and performing a role at your request. You should not only cover all costs, but buy them a thank you gift for their service.

Whereismumhiding2 · 16/10/2018 10:00

My goodness OP no wonder you're skint, if you buy 20 birthday presents in a year
(!!) let alone for the next month!! Just send a card instead with a "sorry folks I'm skint, as on maternity leave". No one has that many close friends or relatives that they "just must" buy for!! Buy your birthday cards in a pack of 10 too.

Secondly, your bride friend only just told you the cost? That's easy to get out of with a "sorry friend, I'm skint, I can't afford that". Presumably you brush your hair everyday and are perfectly capable of brushing it on her wedding day. If it needs to be up, twist it and insert clip. I'm sure you're capable of putting a bit of face powder, lippy and mascara on yourself for the day. If she wants anything particular for your look, then she pays, not you. (Especially given she hasn't even bought your BM dress!)

Voila, saved you £200 in birthdays pressies (& more if you keep doing it) and £60+ in not paying for a hairdresser and makeup lady.

user1467718508 · 16/10/2018 10:13

You sound lovely and conscientious Smile

Did the bride specify who was to do hair/make up and tell you the cost? Did you have a say in what dress you bought?

I couldn't afford to pay for my bridesmaids dresses/hair/make up, so gave them a range of colours to pick from and said I didn't mind one bit on style/length/whether they matched each other. I still felt guilty about it though, and definitely didn't expect gifts.

If you're the kind to feel guilty about turning up empty handed, then the suggestion up-thread of bringing a bottle and a card is perfect.

TellMeItsNotTrue · 16/10/2018 10:16

Will your partner be there? If so buy a nice but cheap photo frame and take a photo of the bride and groom on the day, get him to pop out after meal and get it printed and put it in - goes down really well, thoughtful and unexpected, but doesn't cost much

Aprilislonggone · 16/10/2018 10:20

Stick your tongue out on some of the photos.
She is a cf. .. Practice yourself beforehand hair /make up.
Or Boots on the morning!!

BrokenWing · 16/10/2018 10:21

Bride should pay for dresses and shoes and any accessories. If they want particular hair or make they should also pay.

If it is a UK style wedding in the UK then she should pay regardless of her home country. If it is a wedding traditional to her country then speak to her to find out what is required from you before committing to something. If you've just found out about the cost of the dresses today and its to much tell her now you cant afford it.

Loonoon · 16/10/2018 10:22

I agree that buying 20 birthday gifts is excessive. Send a message round saying that as the family has grown so much recently and money is tight you will doing only be giving presents to children from from now on and would like other people to do the same for your family. It will remove a massive financial burden. Then make a nice card or frame a nice picture for your friends wedding.

We have recently introduced this for family Christmases. It has taken so much pressure off. Now Christmas is just about a lovely dinner together and party games and laughs afterwards. No more 2 for 3 at Boots tat and polite acceptances just to take it all down to the charity shop in January.

mrss2018 · 16/10/2018 10:34

So one of my friends got me a card and inside had a wooden heart with our names the date and venue carved on it...that was lovely!

Mushroomsarehorrible · 16/10/2018 10:43

I think it's so wrong and tacky to expect your bridesmaids to pay for anything related to your wedding! I paid for dresses, tiaras, shoes, make up, hair, accommodation, basically anything that would have made them out of pocket for my big day. They didn't ask to be bridesmaids. I also ensured they had a lovely day as well as me.

Original poster
Pinkclarko · 16/10/2018 10:46

I replied but don't know where it went... Anyway, such good advice on here. Will scale back the adult presents and get something small and personalised or champagne depending on how organised I am. Thanks so much!

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 16/10/2018 10:51

Just do token gift. You can get lovely keyrings - his and hers with names and wedding date from etsy

BadLad · 16/10/2018 10:55

(also 20 birthdays that month including my elder daughter!) thanks all

Bloody hell. You must have a massive family / circle of friends.

LizB62A · 16/10/2018 11:00

You're going to be buying 20 birthday presents in one month?!
You need to cut down on that for a start - I only give and get birthday
& Christmas presents from immediate family.
And yes, when did we import the awful American "tradition" of forcing bridesmaids to pay for their dress, hair and make up??

Definitely don't buy them a present. If they're close enough friends that you're being their bridesmaid then surely they'll understand that you simply can't afford a present too - your present to them is being at their wedding and paying for the dress (which you'll probably never wear again!)

Would you sell the dress afterwards to recoup some of your money?

(maybe there's a business opportunity there for someone - renting out bridesmaids dresses - it seems so wasteful, especially when the poor bridesmaids have to pay)

Ariela · 16/10/2018 11:03

Bottle of decent supermarket champagne. Isn't Tescos or Aldi supposed to be best?

countrybump · 16/10/2018 11:06

A thoughtful but inexpensive present might be a copy of a newspaper from their wedding day - just nip to the newsagents in the morning! Obviously this might depend on the headline - if it's something like 'Divorce rates at a record high' then it might not be the best choice.

MrsStrowman · 16/10/2018 11:07

I paid for bridesmaid dresses, shoes, matching clutch bags, hair and make up and kept the hen very affordable and three months before the wedding. I think it's really poor form to ask bridesmaids to pay for doing you the honour of being part of your wedding day.

hibbledibble · 16/10/2018 11:11

Do your own hair and make up. If you aren't an expert, don't worry! It doesn't need to be perfect.

Asking you to pay for the dress and everything else is indeed cheeky. Can you sell the dress afterwards?

I would get a token gift in this situation, a bottle and a card sounds appropriate.