To think that there’s more to being a good mum than controlling your children?

[Thatdontimpressmemuch]

DP and I frequently argue about his sister.

She is a nice enough, a bit annoying and IMO fairly spoilt but she thinks she means well and by and large we rub along just fine.

She has 2 daughters. Eldest daughter is a worrier, constantly anxious and looking for approval.
Younger daughter has learned to play her older sister, frequently teases and aggravates her to the point of meltdown to which her mum responds by removing her from the “adult scene” and giving her a dressing down until she “calms down”.

DH’s sister us applauded by her family for being a great mum who knows how to control her children.

AIBU to feel sorry for older daughter and think that there is more to being a “good” parent than merely controlling?

To be clear, it’s the older sister who has the meltdown after being relentlessly harassed by her younger sibling

They're bickering and nobody steps in?
Perhaps they should be taught manners for starters. Parents and children

She should control the instigator so if she was actually an effective controlling parent, she's do better. What she is is unfair.

They don’t bicker as such. The younger one aggravates the older one who then gets upset and kicks off. She then gets “controlled” by her mum

When you say aggravates, what do you mean?

Aggravates as in mimics her voice, and pushes her face right up against her sister’s face and breathes hard. Stuff like that. Mum never pulls the younger one up on her bad behaviour.

Could you point out each time that the older one lost it because the younger one was winding her up.

The way you have described sounds horrible for the older girl. "Mimicking her voice" as in being contemptuous and humiliating her? Telling her off for getting upset? Siding with her manipulative sibling?

YANBU reasonable for feeling sorry for the older daughter. In fact, I would be thinking how to do something. Although very very tricky to do. That child will have mental health issues in the future.

I am speaking as someone whose mother believed a parent demonstrated how effective they were by telling off rather than positivity. Were your husband and sister were raised like this? They maybe repeating a family pattern. Not to excuse it, but something to bear in mind if you get involved.

Poor kid. No wonder she is anxious. I went on a conflict resolution course for parents to asd children. The guy giving the talk said the focus was on conflict avoidance,and everything he suggested was equally applicable to nt children.

Agree this is damaging to the older sister. If your DP felt the same I'd suggest he stepped in. It's a bit concerning that he thinks everything is fine. Would he be ok if one of your dc were being treated that way?

Yes, the mother does sound over controlling and as if she is at the bottom of the poor sibling relationship.

Controlling your children is important. This isn’t controlling your children. It’s enabling bullying and punishing the victim.

Controlling your children is not the same thing as managing them.