To think that my mother letting herself into my house and then cleaning is intrusive?

[LiliAnjelika]

My parents have always had keys to my house - in case of emergencies. Once in a while, they turn up uninvited, or earlier than expected, and let themselves into my house. My mother then proceeds to clean what she obviously thinks of as a sty. Today I came home to my mother opening the door and launching into a long list of all the tasks she'd performed for me. She obviously wanted praise but the truth is I can't bear it, probably because she also has a long history of going through my stuff and I don't trust her. (Last year, she and dad found a credit card bill and presented it to me as evidence of my incompetence etc....there are loads of other examples)Anyway today I explained very civilly that whilst I recognised all her hard work it made me feel very uncomfortable when she cleaned my house as it felt like a criticism of my housekeeping standards. At this point she blew a gasket, called me ungrateful, cried melodramatically, and left. Whenever we argue she always storms out and I always have to apologise. (she's never once said the word sorry!!) On this occasion my dd was looking on and was really upset because her grandma left without saying a proper goodbye.

Should I apologise again or what?

My mum used to do this too, thankfully we live an 8 hr car journey away from her now and she can't do it.

My dad cut down our trees in the back garden once which dh was trying to grow and he couldn't understand why dh was livid.

They also used to come and stay for a fortnight at a time, as it was "too much travelling for a week".

this is why I don't give my Mum or MIL a key. (although my Mum would never clean - probably make herself a cup of tea and nose around!!) I have friends who live locally who have spares.

MT is right - you have to take control - you are not a child.

I don't think you should apologise.

I think it is one thing helping you out by doing the cleaning / washing or whatever for you (but only after asking if you need / would like help), another thing completely noseying around.

I think you need to have a "talking to" with her.

If my mother lived nearby I wouldn't dream of doing what your mther does to you. It is none of my business her and my dad's affairs, and neither is your business any concern of your mother's.

Good luck,

You are not being unreasonable at all.

But I think unless you deal with this/ her it will keep repeating itself.

I would be so annoyed - my mum is unlikely to clean but would be very capable of nosing about. Hence no keys. We cope with just a set each - would you be comfortable with that?

Def not unreasonable.

I agree probabl best to talk to her about it, but if you cant and want your keys back, and want to avoid a confrontation, then could you perhaps pretend to have locked yourself out and take the keys back, and if she asks say oh I gave them to a friend who lives nearer.

Thanks for all your fantastic messages. I can't believe how many mothers and MILS out there do the nosing around thing! The really unbelievable thing about my mother is that she confronts me with the things she's found - she has no shame about it. If I was at all tempted to nose around in someone's stuff I would definitely know it was wrong. To be fair, she hasn't to my knowledge done it recently but I just cant trust her anymore.

Everyone\s right about the keys, though I think taking them back will only inflame the situation rather than address the issue of disrespect. I think my policy from now on is going to be to tell her very explicitly not to let herself in unless we're there as both dp and I aren't happy about it.

Quick story about my mother. She read my diary when I was sixteen and called me back early from school in a fury. The lounge had been reorganised to look like a courtroom and she conducted her investigation as if we were in court, with diary in a little plastic bag etc!(She'd cracked my code and worked out I'd lost my virginity to my older biker boyfriend!Cringe!!)She didn't speak to me for 6 months!

Allowing your mother to keep the keys is still allowing her to have power. You'll never 'win' this until you establish boundaries. She has already shown a blatant disregard for your wishes, why would she start to take notice now?

You really have to take control, even if it means she sulks for a few weeks.

Agnes

agree need to set boundaries. Choose a time and place where all is calm to raise it though. Using prases like "I feel this way when ..." really helps. Looking on bright side, my now ex boyfriend's mother once let herself into our house and rearranged the furniture in the sitting room

I am still cringing over your mother's behaviour re your diary age 16, Lili.

My mother was totally against sex before marriage but I can't imagine her doing that. When I was 21 and went on holiday with my boyfriend, she said on my return: "Weren't you lucky to find 2 single rooms in every B&B you went?" even though I had claimed no such thing. It's just what she wanted to believe.

How far away does your mother live? My parents and ILs do not have keys to our house because they are not local, although I have leant them a set occasionally. A neighbour/friend has a key. This is good because she is a SAHM so around quite a bit. Was good this week when DH locked himself out and I was at work 23 miles away.

And no, you're not being remotely unreasonable OP. I'd ask for my keys back if I were you - it's a blatant abuse of trust IMO. Once things have calmed down perhaps you should explain to her - how would she feel if you went round to her place and cleaned while she were out? Also - this is how you run your house. She may not approve but that's not the point - you're an adult.

And yes of course if you do this, it'll cause confrontation but if you don't, will you be able to be sure she isn't coming round when you're out? And I'm not sure having a confrontation isn't a good thing in the long run - I think she needs to understand how completely unacceptable her behaviour is.

Sorry if I'm ranting - have just had a phone convo with my mother which has totally pissed me off