To think that my mother letting herself into my house and then cleaning is intrusive?

[LiliAnjelika]

My parents have always had keys to my house - in case of emergencies. Once in a while, they turn up uninvited, or earlier than expected, and let themselves into my house. My mother then proceeds to clean what she obviously thinks of as a sty. Today I came home to my mother opening the door and launching into a long list of all the tasks she'd performed for me. She obviously wanted praise but the truth is I can't bear it, probably because she also has a long history of going through my stuff and I don't trust her. (Last year, she and dad found a credit card bill and presented it to me as evidence of my incompetence etc....there are loads of other examples)Anyway today I explained very civilly that whilst I recognised all her hard work it made me feel very uncomfortable when she cleaned my house as it felt like a criticism of my housekeeping standards. At this point she blew a gasket, called me ungrateful, cried melodramatically, and left. Whenever we argue she always storms out and I always have to apologise. (she's never once said the word sorry!!) On this occasion my dd was looking on and was really upset because her grandma left without saying a proper goodbye.

Should I apologise again or what?

how old is she lilangelika?

my mil hangs out our washing (and knickers!) if i'm not in. sometimes they like to feel useful, but going through personal stuff isn't on.

Chirpy girl - my dad is a doormat I'm afraid. He kept on whispering 'time to back down' to me as she was having a go! Now that they've gone home I know he'll get it in the neck poor bastard.

I'm thinking of writing her a short letter explaining that it's not about the cleaning per se but about the fact that she doesn't allow me to express my feelings about it without taking it personally etc... Don't want to bring up the trust issue as we've been there too many times before. She just doesn't get the concept of privacy or boundaries by the way. She always says that privacy is for people who've got something to hide!

Difficult one Lili. She will either "go off on one" if you ask for the key back, or "go off on one" when you next point out the unacceptability of her behaviour with your key.

Personally I'd rather put up with the former.

We hold a key to my v. aged in-laws' house, and I would never think of intruding unless there really were an emergency.

I think it makes much more sense for spare keys to be held by near neighbours.

southeastastra - she's 69 but quite young physically. I think her problem is partly the fact that she's bored and frustrated with her life. My dad is much older in spirit.

my mum was very nosey and would probably have done the same, you have to make a decision whether to accept it and grow to like her attention, or laying down the rules now

She sounds like my mum, whenever she babysits she irons everything she can get her hands on even tho' I tell her not to. Sometimes it winds me up but I try to remind myself that she's only trying to help and it's just her way. I am also secretly pleased! Can't help thinking that I would be delighted to come home to an unexpectedly clean house!

I would go round ro your mums when she out and do her tidying up and go through her personnel belongings, and when she gets back answer the door with list of things you have done and show her her paperwork. Then she complains about it just say well now you know how we feel and this is how we well behave in future.

I have keys to mums and mum has keys to mine, but we don't go into each other house unless we have ask or have been asked to do something. I have to say mum does live around the corner.

Lili, your mum is right to take it personally, because it's her personal behaviour that you don't like.

Unless you speak firmly to her and follow up your speech with action (ie get that key off her) she will doubtless continue to abuse your trust and invade your privacy.

I know that's easier said than done, because you probably don't want to cause a family rift. My guess is, if you get the key from her you'll be in her bad books for a while, suffer hurt looks and possibly sarcasm but it will eventually blow over. What do you think would happen - after the first tantrum? (Hers not yours of course!)

Could you sneakily steal the keys back? She's probably think she'd lost them then!

Don't get me wrong cornsilk, I like coming home to a clean house, but it comes at too high a price. The other thing is that the house is pretty clean anyway so it does feel like criticism. Maybe I'm paranoid.(I have recently got myself a cleaner specifically so that my mother can't find much to clean but she always manages to find an almighty list of things.) Her pet hate is my cats. She says she's allergic to flea bites and suggests I have them put down!

I should add they don't have fleas!

Sweetydarling - have thought of this. Think this might work. Elasticwoman - you're right to think that things would blow over eventually if I confronted her but it would take a long time. Months. I'm not kidding. And I do get really upset.

What is it with mothers and daughters?

at cats comment!
My mum used to mind my ds and used to wind me up BIG time and criticise dh's parenting!
But I do think that it's hard for our mum's to change their ways. Maybe you could say that the neighbours thought she was someone breaking in and were about to call the police!

not unreasonable. i would go mad if i found out anyone had been in my house..parent or not, just as i would not let myself into my mum's house.

she has a key but has never let herself in.

then again she's scared of technology...and therefore scared of my alarm (just in case )

This thread seems to be divided into two groups of people. First group suggest a sneaky softly softly approach and the second a more direct approach. I'm so relieved though that nobody thinks I'm being unreasonable. Will sleep on all suggestions and report back tomorrow...

i dont think your being unreasonable at all. but i think your mum still wants o 'mother' you.
just tread carefully as she probably thinks shes being a big help

i think the only solution as she wont seem to stop letting herself in, i would find it an invasion of privacy, it has happened to me...is to change locks. would she listen otherwise?
i really couldnt stand it.

You need to get your keys back. You seem to have tried conversation so direct action is next. If she throws a wobbler just leave her to it, but refuse to change your stance. If your dad asks you to 'back down' calmly inform him that you have done so far too many times already and that it is now your mother's turn to do it. Keep your calm and your mother may realise what an ass she is being. If she refuses to give the keys back, then tell her you are changing the locks and she will not be getting a set of the new keys. Then follow through.

To be frank, even if she does give you your keys back I would get new locks. Her sneaky behaviour suggests to me the kind of person who'll have a spare set of them anyway.

I have a key to my mum's. I use it rarely, usually if they're away and we pop through to make sure all's well and clear the junk-mail away from behind the door. Or if they're out when we arrive and they're expecting us. It's a stand-by thing. They don't have mine, nor have they asked for it.

Agens

She is acting like a child, so you should treat her like a child. If she starts blowing a gasket, calling you ungrateful, crying etc. then just say to her "I can't hear you or understand you when you talk like that. You need to talk calmly so I can hear and understand you. If you need 5 minutes to calm down, I am happy to wait, but I am not willing to be spoken to in this way".

Could you use your dp as an excuse? Say he's concerned about security or whatever and ask for the key back. Sounds like your mum needs to get a life, I mean that in a nice way, could she join a hobby club or something so she hasn't got time or energy to interfere in yours?

My mother in law while staying (lives too far for day trip) had a copy of our house keys cut for herself to use. I just asked for them back as soon as she was leaving, I know she'd have like to keep them but was too shamefaced. I blamed security worries on it.

Last summer my MIL kept dropping hints about me being pregnant (I wasn't). Eventually I found that whilst we were on holiday she had rummaged through our things (we had asked her to keep an eye on the house) and had found the old pregnancy test that I had kept when I tested positive with ds and assumed it was more recent . Mothers and mother in laws cannot really be trusted with keys.

My sister once redecorated my nieces flat whilst she was at work and wondered why she wasn't grateful!

no you are NOT being unreasonable...the thought of this makes me cringe!

I'd die if my mum did this

my mum painted our front door a different colour while we were on holiday !!

Def get the locks changed and see how she handles it. You can then either be airy fairy about getting a new set to her at some stage ( and never getting around to it ) or explain that you are uncomfortab;le about her letting herself in. No apologies and any hissy fit is HER choice. My mum is the queen of passive aggressive too!
Oh and buy LOTS more cats !!!!

That's bad isn't it. I know they mean well but it makes you feel like they think you are not capable of doing it yourself. Me and my sister had trouble resently because our mum would come round our houses and steal money, she once went in my purse!