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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would it be unreasonable to leave the grandparents out of my daughters birthday party?

24 replies

PeppyPiggy · 15/10/2018 21:28

my daughter is turning three this Saturday. To celebrate we are going ringoing and ski bobbing: her, myself, her dad, her best friend, her bestfriends' mum, her two favourite cousins. Keeping it simple. I do know that if I invite my mum and dad the invitation would also need to be extended to DD's dads mum and dad...

Things are incredibly awkward and frosty. DD's dad has only been in her life for 6 months, before then he refused to help me and never bothered to see her and his whole family had nothing to do with her. They only got involved after DD's dad was forced to pay CSA 6 months ago, there has never been any sort of explanation for everything, they all knew where DD lived.. DD's dad even moved further and further away.. It was all very weird. They all seem to be mute about the whole thing and because of that there is this constant unaddressed tension between their family and mine (who supported DD tremendously)

I feel like the normal thing to do would be to have all the grandparents there.. But I also predict there would be some fiery hostility. My mum and DD's other grandma are both young firey, alpha female women that love to argue... Would you invite the grandparents or make it a kids affair only?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 15/10/2018 21:29

Kids only. Invite whoever else you like to a teaparty (without the others.)

hidinginthenightgarden · 15/10/2018 21:31

I don't see why both sets have to be there? Are they in contact and likely to discuss that they were celebrating without paternal side?
My parents were in Barcelona this weekend and missed DS party but were her by mid afternoon to celebrate with cake.

Original poster

PeppyPiggy · 15/10/2018 21:33

The paternal grandparents will know because they ask DD's dad everything, his mum calls him all the time, every time I see him his mum is ringing him. He practically lives with them even though he has his own place. So they would know if my parents were invited but not them

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 15/10/2018 21:34

Keep it the way you have planned it.

Momasita · 15/10/2018 21:34

No op.

Just have a lovely peaceful day. I'm sure in future if relations improve you will have some lovely bday celebrations..

Momasita · 15/10/2018 21:35

Your supportive parents should not have to suffer in anyway or be penalised due to crap in laws.

MadameButterface · 15/10/2018 21:35

kids only. why is her dad even going? he doesn't sound like he is massively arsed about her. ignore his family. you don't have to treat them as equal to yours because they're not. in years to come, if her dad continues to see her and builds up a relationship with her, he can facilitate their relationship with her. it's not your problem. you raised her without their help for her first couple of years, you did your half of parenting and his half too. you do not have to take on the emotional labour of making them feel like equal grandparents. it's tough shit for them, they raised a son who feels like shirking fatherhood is an ok thing to do, so they can deal with the natural consequences of that.

user1493413286 · 15/10/2018 21:37

Does DD have contact with her dad without you there? If she does then do the day however you want including with your mum if you want and her grandparents on her dads side can do whatever they want to celebrate her birthday

KC225 · 15/10/2018 21:38

Kids only.

I doubt if it will be mentioned. Perhaps a small cake and little birthday tea if you want to do something after the event.

hidinginthenightgarden · 15/10/2018 21:38

I would do it without them and agree to do a small tea party/meal with grandparents instead. Probably wouldn't invite her "dad" either.

MadameButterface · 15/10/2018 21:39

"Your supportive parents should not have to suffer in anyway or be penalised due to crap in laws"

this is actually a very good point and I have changed my mind. don't make it kids only unless you want to. if you want your family there and your dd would like that too, then have them there. how his family feel about that is not your problem. I am sure at only just three and hardly having had any contact with them, your dd barely knows them, which is a situation entirely of their making.

Maelstrop · 15/10/2018 21:39

Why have you invited Mr Fuckwit? And no, don’t invite his parents. They have no rights, particularly given their lack of care for your dd since she was born. Don’t invite either set of gps.

Original poster

PeppyPiggy · 15/10/2018 21:40

@MadameButterface

Very fair point you are making here....

OP posts:

Original poster

PeppyPiggy · 15/10/2018 21:41

@MadammeButterface yes I really would like my parents their, DD adores them to bits!!

Thank you for this perspective

OP posts:

Villainelle · 15/10/2018 21:43

Keep it your way then go to your parents for tea and cake after.

Fishandthechips · 15/10/2018 21:44

I wouldnt invite both sets. Your parents have known her for her whole life and her dads parents 6 months. It just doesnt compare. Invite who you want to invite and just dont engage if paternal side gets shitty. Why should your parents miss out because paternal side couldnt be bothered!

Rtmhwales · 15/10/2018 21:45

I’d invite just your parents and if his kick off, ask them where they were for her past two birthdays? I assume your parents were there for her past birthdays and personally I’d want them there. It doesn’t have to be exactly easy. Your parents have supported them while they’ve been oddly absent and silent until the law forced him to start paying.

happypoobum · 15/10/2018 21:47

I feel like the normal thing to do would be to have all the grandparents there.

Really? Why?

Quartz2208 · 15/10/2018 21:59

my parents have been to most of the parties for my kids DH have been to none

fairness does not mean everything has to be equal: Equality is giving everyone the same thing or amount, regardless of the circumstances. Fairness, however, is giving everyone what he or she needs and deserves.

For example, three people clean the backyard, and they all do different amounts of work. It would be equal to give them the same amount of money, but how would that be fair to the person who did the most work? It would be fair to give everyone the amount of money that corresponds to how much work he or she did. The person who did the most work should get the most.

Your parents presumably do a lot more to help its fair to invite them

Weathermonger · 15/10/2018 22:08

If your parents and your in laws have not been equal participants in your DDs life until now, why should they expect to be treated the same ? Invite your parents, and let the in-laws "earn" the privilege to be included in future celebrations. Who knows if they will even still be involved another 6 months from now. Don't penalize your parents because the in laws are assholes.

Findingdotty · 15/10/2018 22:18

Personally to avoid any nonsense and further drama I would probably have a really special trip out just you, DD and your own parents to celebrate. You can have a great time without any other concerns.

Findingdotty · 15/10/2018 22:18

I mean as well as your planned party of course, not instead of.

ProudThrilledHappy · 15/10/2018 22:24

What would your DD want? Honestly I’d just go ahead and invite your parents as you wanted to.

They weren’t interested for over two years, IMO I wouldn’t be putting myself out to facilitate a relationship that they couldnt be bothered to maintain previously. The onus should be on their precious son to keep them in the loop.

If they complain to you I’d just say you assumed dds dad would let them know.

ohello · 15/10/2018 22:36

Bio dad didn't want to be involved in your DD life, ignored her for 2.5 years, and only recently became involved after he was forced to pay some child support. This is a really lousy sign, OP.

His behavior is very common among mra's (men's right activists, redpills, incels, etc) who force as much involvement as possible as a way to "punish" you for leaving him/having a baby he didn't want. And they always try to stir up as much drama as possible.

I wouldn't invite him or his parents to family events. I'd keep things separate. Grandparents ignoring granddaugher for 2.5 years while their son tries to get out of child support... says it all. don't need. His parents are firmly on the side of not just dad, but clearly willing to go along with whatever strategy mra incel dad decrees.

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