Re: cards?

[ToffeePennie]

My mother in law was here the other day and announced loudly it was dh’s Aunts birthday. I smiled politely and asked if they were off to see her and thought that was the end of it.
Nope. As they were leaving, she turned to me and said she would take the birthday card now, as they were going to visit after all. Note dh was outside chatting to his dad.
I smiled politely and explained that dh hadn’t written one. At which point she said she didn’t expect him to.
Not wanting an argument I simply said I was sorry and I could hear the baby and went back in.
Since then I’ve had an awful lot of WhatsApp messages - sent to the family group but with a heavy implication of me to fulfil the task - stating that it is so-and-sos birthday, such and suchs wedding anniversary and did I remember to get the sympathy card for a friend of the family.
Now to me, dh is perfectly capable of getting his own birthday/Christmas/whatever cards. He is a grown man and as such he has the capability to run his own calendar and keep track of the days.
My mother in law on the other hand tells me I should do it for him as he works hard, I do my family, why not his (he has 30 cousins alone, I have 2) and they should ALL be receiving cards off me dh and our children.
So tell me aibu to refuse to buy and write loads of birthday cards because my husband won’t? (He says they’re a waste of time anyway for anyone who’s not me, the kids or his mum)

Yanbu

No no no no nope. Do not start doing this for him. If he doesn't think it is a priority then why should you do it for him?

I would just keep telling MIL, like a broken record that you and DH have decided you are each responsible for your own families, and to speak to DH about such things. If she insists on reminding you after you have told her this more than twice, I would accompany the third time with a head tilt and an enquiry about whether she is struggling with her memory. But then I am a PA bitch.

Feels a bit mean spirited of you both, to be honest. Couples are meant to work together and I’d not make a fuss about writing the odd card as my husband always makes the awkward phone calls and arranges tradesmen.
Lots of people like receiving cards, particularly as they get older or if they’re bereaved. It’s surely not a big deal.

Yanbu, he should tell her that. Who does cards anyway. Such a waste of time and money.

I could not agree more! I recently boycotted cards for his side of the family. No one seems to care, so not sure why I would.

Yanbu. I decided a few years ago that I wouldn't do any more cards, presents or general organisational stuff to do with meeting up with my in-laws family and it's been great to be free of that task! Told DH that I was handing it all back to him and now no-one on his side gets a card of any sort though he does often send a present (usually in the form of an electronic voucher) 🤷‍♀️

Yanbu. You need to make it clear that in your household the wife does not get lumbered with tasks which are the husband's responsibility. Your dh needs to tell his mum to back off.

He says they’re a waste of time anyway for anyone who’s not me, the kids or his mum

I'm wondering how he came out so normal when his mother sounds so loopy. Nobody needs a card, but he kindly chooses to send them to only his nearest and dearest because he cares about them.

Just continue to present a united front and if in doubt start explaining how environmentally unfriendly it is to be posting cards to so many people when a message on FB or text does the same job.

If she continues start making passive aggressive suggestions that you may do away with sending cards to EVERYONE, hopefully the prospect of not receiving a card herself will shut her up.

I buy for my side and dh buys for his. We don't buy for aunts, cousins and uncles, etc though.

MIL is rude but do you like the aunt in question? Does she send you cards or gifts?

Sending cards to 30plus members of the family is completely out of the question but a few that you happen to be fond of, yes. I have no issue with sending to DHs family but would have resented MIL telling me to!

It's not mean Cherry, to expect men to pull their weight and maintain the relationships with their own families.
I'd rather not have a card at all, than receive one my female IL had been pressured into providing, because my male relative couldn't be arsed!

YANBU but save yourself a row and write on whatsapp that you're not sending any cards whatsoever from henceforth due to concern for the environment.

YANBU. My MIL is exactly the same, apparently women should do everything, even if they work. She'd never expect DH to remember something like cards 'because he works hard' but she sure as hell expects me to, along with all the housework and cooking, even though I work too and have health issues. Any attempt to comment that men are capable of doing these things for themselves/couples should work as a team results in a lecture about how 'feminism is the worst thing to ever to happen to women'. Sorry, went off on one slightly there as my own MIL's attitude to this kind of thing really gets under my skin.

I agree up to dh to do the cards. Maybe buy MIL a copy of wifework for Christmas! Saves on the environment too.

I I’ve no idea how he’s so normal. His mother is batshit though.
The aunt in question we don’t speak to/see and we never communicate with.

The aunt in question we don’t speak to/see and we never communicate with

In light of this my question to his mother would have been why the fuck would she want a card from you?

Cards really are a dying breed and a waste of money and resources.
Better for the planet to do away with them anyway. I would not mind if I never received one again.

That aside we are not in the 1930s.

I have been married nearly 28 years and have never bought a card for anyone on my husband's side of the family. So they never receive one!

I would message back every single time. I wouldn't know, have you asked dh.
After about the 10th time, mil maybe you should go and see the gp, you seem to be forgetting to ask dh as previously mentioned.