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AIBU?

To not give DS a middle name from his dad's culture?

20 replies

tripf · 15/10/2018 16:00

Hi, my little boy is 4 days old. I'm just finalising his name. I have his first name sorted but I'm struggling with the middle. I know he doesn't need one or I can use one from my family or even a name I just like. However, his dad is from a foreign country. I still talk to his dad but the reality is, he's never going to be a dad to him, even if he desperately wants to as he can't live here and I can't live there. Would the right thing to do is give him a name from that culture in the middle just for the sake of my son still having that connection?

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sonlypuppyfat · 15/10/2018 16:05

No, I wouldn't, no real reason. Just wouldn't feel right. My dad was Welsh I've not got a Welsh name.

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FekkoTheLawyer · 15/10/2018 16:07

Pick something you like then! Have you a male relative you want to honour or a surname of your granny?

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SneakyGremlins · 15/10/2018 16:07

What if your son in the future wishes he had a connection?

It sounds like it isn't the father's fault he can't be around the child.

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MrsTommyBanks · 15/10/2018 16:08

I think I would. I think when he gets older he is naturally going to want to know about his background and culture. Even if he isn't actively part of it, its still part of him if that makes sense.

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Sethis · 15/10/2018 16:09

Positive association vs Negative association.

When you write your childs' name on school forms, medical forms, housing forms, and the whole collection of paperwork they'll be trailing around every day for their whole life... are you going to have a pang of happiness at the mention of this "cultural" name, or are you going to have a pang of sadness?

From my point of view that should be the basis of your decision.

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flowery · 15/10/2018 16:11

Surely it partly depends whose surname your son has? If he’s 50% one culture and 50% another culture, presumably it would be nice to reflect both cultural backgrounds. If he has your surname you could achieve that through a middle name from his dad’s culture. What does his dad want?

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MrsTommyBanks · 15/10/2018 16:13

And congratulations on your new Son Flowers

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AviatorShades · 15/10/2018 16:14

We've got more than one 'middle' names...can you not do the same?

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DragonGoby · 15/10/2018 16:14

It's your choice, OP. Don't worry about 'the right thing to do'. If you want to give him a name from his Dad's culture, then by all means do, but only if that's the reason. There is no moral obligation in these circumstances.

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Scatteredthoughtss · 15/10/2018 16:15

Why don't you just give him his dad's name as a middle name? It doesn't sound like the father is a terrible person, just that circumstances are difficult, and it might be nice for your son later in life to have that link. And who knows, circumstances might change. I assume that the dad can't go on the birth certificate if he can't be in the country to register, so it's nice to have that link.

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TamiTayorismyparentingguru · 15/10/2018 16:16

My DH has a middle name from his dad’s culture (as do his siblings). His dad is definitely a part of his life (his parents separated when he was 12 but they were together until then and his dad is still a part of our lives now, albeit with once a year visits.), but his dad’s culture isn’t at all.

His dad tried (I think) to introduce his culture when DH and his siblings were young, but the reality is that it was their Mum that raised them and she just wasn’t interested. As adults, none of them have ever shown any interest in getting to know more about their dad’s culture and all 3 of them hate their middle names - they consider themselves 100% British.

On the other hand, I am Irish and while we don’t live in Ireland, our DC all consider themselves at least half Irish (in reality they consider themselves mostly Irish!) and I kind of do regret not giving a nod to Ireland with their names.

I think what I’m trying to say is that names can be wonderful way to link to a culture or a person, but ultimately they are meaningless if you don’t follow that up with actively linking them to that culture or person.

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tripf · 15/10/2018 16:20

Father is definitely not a terrible person. Will help out financially (has already) and wants to be kept updated and I hope to visit but that's still a hard decision, we are unsure atm what will be best for our son regarding visiting. His dad has said it's completely my decision on his name and he doesn't expect any reflection on his culture at all. Having his dad's name as a middle name is actually a nice idea. I like that. He is having my surname yes. Thanks for the replies

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MrsStrowman · 15/10/2018 16:32

I think given the father wants to support in ways he can and it's just not possible for you to live in the same country, it would be nice to acknowledge him or his culture, he's not pressing for it and seems supportive of whatever you choose. On that basis it might be nice to use his or a family name as DCs middle name. Hopefully they will have some kind of relationship with his dad.

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FishCanFly · 15/10/2018 16:36

Meh. What culture?

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Jlynhope · 15/10/2018 16:37

It's not the same situation but as an adoptee I think it'd be nice for you to acknowledge his culture. Your ds will probably appreciate the connection especially since it's a postive one with his father who sounds like a lovely person.

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SoupDragon · 15/10/2018 16:41

I think using his father's name is a good idea. That makes it a family name with significance rather than some random "cultural" one.

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Kintan · 15/10/2018 18:24

I don't think you should - you son may not end up having anything to do with that culture and he'd be forever explaining the name.

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user139328237 · 15/10/2018 18:30

He wouldn't be forever explaining his name. Other than on official paperwork which is being increasingly filled in without any human interaction I can't remember the last time as much as mentioned my middle name.

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Rezie · 15/10/2018 18:36

Maybe modify a name from his culture? If he had walked out and said that he will never be in contact then I'd say no. But it sounds like he wants to be present but can't (due to paper work?) and is doing what he can. I think a reference to his culture could be nice, but it can be subtle if you'd prefere that.

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BlueBug45 · 15/10/2018 18:44

Give your child 2 middle names - one from each of your cultures. Your child can then drop a middle name as an adult if they want, or use it instead of their first name like certain people in the public eye if it helps their career.

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