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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or is exP?

18 replies

Whizzpopper82 · 15/10/2018 13:17

I have a 9 year old DC who goes to dads almost half the time. I am in a group chat with some of the other mums from school, and last weekend one of the mums put a post asking if any of the children wanted to go bowling with their child. The children would need dropping off/picking up, but she would stay with them throughout. I then tried phoning my exP and got no answer. So I text and explained that DC had been invited and to let me know if DC could go so I could arrange it. I didn’t hear back until later that evening, whereby exP told me they were out at the time. He then went on to say he would prefer it if I just let the parent know DC is with him that weekend and to feel free to get in touch to ask if DC is free/make arrangements. I have said I feel uncomfortable doing this, and would prefer to contact him myself on these occasions and arrange it myself. He has said he would prefer to make any arrangement direct with the other parent and not having to go through me as a third party to make arrangements. Who is BU?

So as not to drip feed, he and DC’s stepmum do have the other parents contact details, as stepmum has arranged for DC to have friends over in the holidays and also all DC’s friends went to their house for a sleepover for DC birthday. It would be the stepmum that the other parent would be texting to arrange these things, and I feel awkward telling the other parents to get in contact with stepmum to arrange.
I text exP about a similar thing the last time DC was at his for the weekend and he just replied, I will get in touch with other parent. I was left not knowing if exP had arranged this with other parent or indeed if DC had gone as invited!

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 15/10/2018 13:23

I think yabu

You should simply say he’s with his dad and to contact dad to arrange.

MQv2 · 15/10/2018 13:25

You're unreasonable

Gnomesofthegalaxy · 15/10/2018 13:26

YABU, if he's a his dad's it's up to him to sort out. So much unnecessary hassle for all to have you as middle man

Whizzpopper82 · 15/10/2018 19:11

I see your point. Thanks

OP posts:
Antigon · 15/10/2018 19:18

Why do you feel uncomfortable putting the parent in contact with ex/stepmum?

He has DC 50% of the time, he is capable of arranging outings for your dc.

Whizzpopper82 · 16/10/2018 09:58

It just makes me feel awkward to tell the other parents to contact the stepmum. It’s easier for me to just contact exP/other parent myself and make the arrangements and then let exP know the details ....

OP posts:
AuntBeastie · 16/10/2018 10:06

It will probably only feel awkward the first handful of times Flowers

0ccamsRazor · 16/10/2018 10:08

It sounds quite controlling and more about you Op.

TheOneWith · 16/10/2018 10:10

YABU.

Aprilislonggone · 16/10/2018 10:13

A judge would tell you to stop making plans for your dc in exh time.

Whizzpopper82 · 16/10/2018 11:20

I’m definitely not controlling although exP has accused me of that on more than one occasion.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/10/2018 11:34

But it seems controlling to anyone on the outside, so maybe, much as you don't want it to be true, you do try to control communication.

Have a good think about it, maybe change his name for yours:

EX: Can DC go bowling tonight, someone just called and wants to know?
You: Just tell them to contact me directly. It would be quicker and easier
EX: No, I don't feel that is right
You: But they already have my number, they just don't know our contact schedule
EX: I said no! It's easier for me if I act as the go between!

PiggyPoos · 16/10/2018 11:45

I think he's being reasonable - though I do get why you'd rather deal with the mum.

WatchingFromTheWings · 16/10/2018 11:46

YABU. On your time you deal with arrangements, on his time he deals with it. Less stuff for you to think about!

VimFuego101 · 16/10/2018 11:49

YABU. Why not just add him to the group chat? You should not be making plans for the child in 'his' time.

OhComeOnRon · 16/10/2018 12:05

YABU - no need for an unnecessary middle man.
Say exh decides to take his son to the bowling trip, needs to ask question or check details etc he has to go through you as a middle man?

Really pointless and does come across as controlling as I cant think of any good reason not to.

Re step mum, people are used to these family set ups these days and wouldn't think twice about contacting her if that's what you asked them to do.

TheOneWith · 16/10/2018 12:26

You are controlling, as much as I’m sure you think you’re not.

A judge would wipe the floor with you in court over this.

Whizzpopper82 · 17/10/2018 18:56

Thanks for all the replies, much appreciated.

OP posts:
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