To think I could ever practice Buddhism...

[EndeavourVoyage]

I would hope that there is someone join here who can help me out with my question.
I am starting to explore the practice of Buddhism and I seem to have stumbled at the first hurdle.

I am NC with most of my family for stuff that happened in my childhood and more recently, so, 6 years ago I cut physical ties with them as I found seeing them made me angry and I don't like to feel like that. When I don't see them I am not angry. I send them cards and gifts on significant days but that is it.

I am reading that as a Buddhist I should learn to forgive and not hold on to my grudges, would this be something that would stop me practicing.

I am reading that if something makes you angry you should stay away from it, am I reading this right, because if I am then surely it is fine to be NC with them. Sorry if this is a bit strange, but I have nowhere else to ask these questions.

If you're aiming towards an understanding of Buddhism, you should be working with actual live Buddhists on these questions rather than reading contradictory things and trying to apply them to yourself solo.

Buddhism is a rich religion that has been practiced in many different forms. Dealing with many centuries of thought, you'll need a knowledgable guide.

You may need to swap guides regularly if they're on a path that doesn't fit you, but you'll need a guide to get started. Look up your local Buddhist/interfaith centres and get chatting.

(Disclaimer - not Buddhist or even religious myself, but we have a Buddhist in the family who happens to be here so I asked, and my mother was for a while too)

I really like some of the Buddhist philosophies. My understanding of that was personal. I sent forgiveness (over time), which I found very difficult. But I understood that it was for me. So I meditated on sending forgiveness. (I hope this is making sense!!). The person doesn’t necessarily need to know about it. It’s for me, to release the anger, move forward etc.

I totally agree that you should talk to experienced buddhists about matters of buddhist faith - not a load of MNers!

Having said that, I don't see any contradiction in the situation you are describing. You can forgive your family and not hold grudges, whilst still drawing your own boundaries on what level of contact with them is healthy for you. You presumably have forgiven to some extent, if you send them cards and gifts? It is always of benefit to you to let go of pain/anger/negative emotions, which I guess is what forgiveness is, but that doesn't mean that you then have to become involved with those people again. You can choose to not hold a grudge, but to maintain the boundaries that you have drawn.

It's about not holding that negativity in you, you can't change what they've done, neither can they, what's the use in being angry, it just hurts you for no reason.
That doesn't mean going back and letting them hurt you again but yes you would need to let go of that anger. Connecting with a local group will help you to do that.

I would also agree, join your local Buddhist center or visit one for a retreat.

I'd also agree with finding a local Buddhist centre. My local one has a drop-in session which was lovely and the Resident Teacher was one of the nicest people I've ever met. She (and the other nuns) were lovely when my grandmother was dying and I wanted a bit of solace, but also to talk over Buddhist principles.

You can let go of your ‘grudge’ without inviting these people back in to your life. Is that what you are worried about, that you’d have to reignite a relationship with them?

I used to go to a Buddhist group regularly. There’s nothing in what you’ve said that means you cannot practise Buddhism. You are just describing normal human emotions. I agree with what the other posters have said. Try to find a local Meditation group based on Buddhist beliefs. The usual format is a talk from the teacher based on an aspect of Buddhism, followed by a meditation session and then discussion. The discussions frequently focus on how to apply the teachings to real life problems and these often involve dealing with people.

Oh thank you everyone, I have a Centre just 5 miles from me, I am going to take a walk next weekend and visit them to see if they can help me further.
thestoic Yes it is what I am afraid of , they hurt me badly and if I thought they had changed I would contemplate letting them in, but unfortunately I know they haven't. I have sort of found a way to forgive their actions previously but cannot let them repeat them, hence the NC.

To understand forgiveness through Buddhism you need to be taken through Buddhist teachings 1-2-1 with a experienced teacher. Even with the right teacher it will not happen overnight. It will take dedication and discipline.
Once you see where this resentment comes from and can recognise it, then you will be able to forgive.
I wish you well on your journey.
Om Shanti

Buddhism recognises everyone is on an individual path. I was involved with it for years. I am pretty confident that no-one involved in Buddhism will tell you you have to have contact with people you do not want to.

Buddhist teachings focus on developing wisdom to help deal with life's problems and maintaining a peaceful mind.

That's great OP! I hope it works and helps you. Buddhism is a wonderful philosophy well worth exploring.