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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP shouldn't have a say in how I use my phone?

29 replies

huispaus · 15/10/2018 06:56

Spent 2 years living in a foreign country years ago, and recently, I've been feeling like I'm gradually starting to lose fluency in that language due to a lack of continued exposure/practice. To remedy this, I've decided to change the native language for all my devices/apps from English to Russian.

Here's the problem: DP is now accusing me of "hiding things" since she doesn't read Cyrillic! I've tried to explain my reasoning for doing so a fair few times and she has dismissed them all, saying that I was merely "making excuses for god know's what".

AIBU to think that I should be free to use my phone however I please?

OP posts:
Sowhatifidosnore · 15/10/2018 06:59

Yanbu. My DW doesn’t look at my phone and I don’t use hers!

SilverApples · 15/10/2018 06:59

Yes, you should. But you also both need to work on your relationship if she’s so suspicious of your reasons. Why doesn’t she trust you?

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 15/10/2018 07:01

YANBU. It's your phone. The only person who needs to be able to use it is you

Runnynosehunny · 15/10/2018 07:04

Yes your dp doesnt get to look at your phone to check up on you. The fact that she suspects you of being up to 'god knows what' is quite insulting. I'm assuming you have never done anything to make her feel you might be cheating on her or anything. If you have behaved badly in the past that would be different. But if you have always been completely trustworthy then she is in the wrong.

Original poster
huispaus · 15/10/2018 07:14

SilverApples I have never cheated on her or anyone ever, she knows that. However, I think she's just a bit cautious because her ex was a serial liar/cheater. She knows my PIN though, and despite the foreign language thing it's not as if I'm stowing my phone away in some secret hiding spot or having it glued to my hand 24/7, which is what makes this so frustrating!

OP posts:
Twillow · 15/10/2018 07:22

Your reasons are valid and I wouldn't usually condone giving in to someone suspicious. But phones are used to cheat and she has a history with this - what about other ways you could enhance your language use - play a Russian radio station, buy a newspaper?

jobjobjob · 15/10/2018 07:25

Wow what an excellent way of retaining fluency!

YANBU and your OH should encourage you!

Volant · 15/10/2018 07:27

Point out to her that there is nothing to stop her learning Russian.

SewButtons · 15/10/2018 07:28

Yanbu. My DP has his phone and computer set to his native language which I don’t speak (slightly different as his language uses the same alphabet as English) and it doesn’t bother me.
All it changes is the operational commands surely? Messages sent to you in English would still be in English, same as before you changed it- messages sent to you then in Russian would still have been in russian.

LL83 · 15/10/2018 07:31

Yanbu.

I have no reason not to trust my husband he has always been faithful. But when I realised I didn't know his pin any more I felt really weird. We spoke and I have the new pin, I don't check his phone but not being able to made be feel uneasy. Completely unreasonable of me, but to put my mind at rest he gave me the pin.

She is being unreasonable but if you can find another way to practice Russian another way i would. If you can't then you are doing nothing wrong.

Original poster
huispaus · 15/10/2018 07:38

play a Russian radio station, buy a newspaper

I started out with reading the daily morning news in Russian, which helped, though it doesn't feel quite as immersive? With my current method at least, I feel like I'm slowly starting to be able to "think bilingually" again à la my good old uni days (I studied Russian, surprise surprise). I'm not sure if that makes sense, sorry.

Beginning to feel like it's not worth it though and that I should just switch back to save us all the vexation. Ah well.

OP posts:
LL83 · 15/10/2018 07:47

You really aren't doing anything wrong though so if it's important to you just keep talking to your wife and reassuring her there is no issue.

Could you show her how to change it back should she ever want to? To me it was irrational I really don't check his phone but not being able to felt weird. Or explain texts are still in English? (If they are)

ParentsOfSummer · 15/10/2018 07:55

I agree, it's unreasonable for her to want to go through your phone - but i'd be a little suspicious in her shoes so it understandable.

Easy solution is for her to use Google translate isn't it? Google lens does it too I think so she only needs to download the app onto her phone.

But surely text messages and contacts are still in whatever language the person sending speaks?

filka · 15/10/2018 07:55

Trust issues aside...assuming she can unlock your phone, she can use Google Translate on her own phone with the camera. Not perfect but workable, I use it often in the supermarket!

To think DP shouldn't have a say in how I use my phone?
corythatwas · 15/10/2018 08:10

It is tough that she has been cheated on, but I will say exactly the same thing as I did when it was about a suspicious husband on the other thread: she has no right to make you pay for what somebody else did by trying to control you. This is a serious problem that goes way beyond the Cyrillic and I would have that serious conversation now.

Skittlesandbeer · 15/10/2018 08:14

I’d probably find a compromise, for family harmony. If she’s had reason to feel anxious due to her past partners, then as a kindness you should take that into account.

I’d alternate months- set to English every second one. Sync the change to something you already do.

And make sure you’re boosting your Russian exposure in other ways, that she can clearly see (stick some word lists up in the loo, plan some outings to cultural events, etc). Just changing your phone is a bit pointed.

Love is about doing things for your partner that make their life easier and more fun, why stress her out if there are other ways to achieve your goal?

JamPasty · 15/10/2018 08:25

I wouldn't even know what language my DH's phone is in as why on earth would I look at it? Assuming you've never given your DP reason to distrust you, and you didn't change the language right after an argument or going for dinner with a female colleague, etc, then your partner needs to get a grip.

qate · 15/10/2018 08:25

@filka - OT, but I did not know this was a thing! Thank you - that's great!!

Original poster
huispaus · 15/10/2018 08:32

Yeah, texts and contacts all that are still in English. We're both using different operating systems however, so I do think it makes it difficult for her to navigate through everything?

Another thing is, how "normal" is it for a DP to want to go through your phone? I've only been in 2 serious, long-term relationships prior to this and have never done so, though admittedly I suppose it's understandable this time due to DP's history.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 15/10/2018 08:33

"Love is about doing things for your partner that make their life easier and more fun, why stress her out if there are other ways to achieve your goal?"

How far would you go, though, with a suspicious and jealous partner? What if she decides that the OP should ditch their friends? Never go out and socialise? Give up on hobbies where they might meet a member of the opposite sex? Report where they are every moment of the day?

Would the answers be different if the OPs partner was male?

TheStoic · 15/10/2018 08:34

I don’t think her insecurities will miraculously disappear if you change the language to English. It’s a symptom, not the cause.

HostaFireAndIce · 15/10/2018 08:40

Ah, this brings back happy memories of university when people used to prank each other by switching their phone's language into Russian!
But no, the thing is you could change it back, if that were absolutely the only thing upsetting her, but I suspect it would then be something else and, as corythatwas says, it could lead to all sorts of dark places.

To answer your question, I don't think it's normal to go through your partner's phone, especially without any cause for suspicion. Certainly I've never done it.

serbska · 15/10/2018 08:42

I don’t really think adults should be looking at other adults phones anyway. They are private. DP doesn’t have a right to read private’s messages between me and my friends or family. If a friend is messaging about her relationship issues or health problems that isn’t for my DP to read.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 15/10/2018 08:44

It's not normal for her to go through your phone.

I understand she may have insecurities arising from her previous relationship history, but that's something that she needs to work on - invading your privacy with absolutely zero cause is not the way to make herself feel better.

I don't know the PIN to DH's phone and he doesn't know mine.

JamPasty · 15/10/2018 08:45

I don't think it's that normal to go through your partner's phone, without cause. I've never been in a relationship where it was even suggested.