To ask if anybody has/has had a 'depressed' older teen?

[therewillbetime]

Just querying really the complex teen behaviour that people have experienced and whether anybody can give any advice on my situation?

My son is 19 (probably quite a 'young' 19 in some ways, although not in a bad way) and has seemed a bit down lately. To my knowledge nothing in particular has happened; he is at college and sometimes gets a bit fed up with some lessons but seems to have a good set of friends, social life etc. His dad and I separated but this happened years ago. No siblings, so he gets space at home and I don't put any particular demands on him at home, in fact I'm probably too soft with getting him to pull his weight.

I think he has started smoking a bit lately (or at least is out with friends smoking) and he seems to live on those crappy energy drinks. He is eating ok but at different times of the day and is becoming more and more of a night owl. I go up to his room at times and whereas a few months ago he would have been eating with me and dp (who has lived with us for years) he would now be laying on his bed, dozing. If I try to talk with him he is just really grumpy and says he doesn't want to talk. He has mentioned that he does not feel 'right' all the time and he made a doctor's appointment a few weeks back. He told me that his doctor gave him a leaflet about anxiety with a list of numbers to call and that he didn't feel he had time to talk to the doctor about his feelings. I advised him to make another appointment which he has done but its not for a week or so.

On the other hand, he perks up when going out with his mates and sent me an 'album' the other day (he is in a band with his friends) that they had recorded online. He doesn't appear outwardly anxious (although I completely appreciate that this can manifest itself in many ways) and I do wonder if he is depressed. I just feel helpless as to what to say or do to help. Any ideas?

At this point, I think you should do everything possible to keep the lines of communication open. 19 is not a great time in most people's lives. It's a bizarre gray area where you're going from childhood to adulthood, and finding your feet can feel very daunting. It's wonderful that he has a good group of friends and that he's willing to see a gp. For now I think you should just see how it goes for awhile.

One thing I DO recommend, however... You REALLY need to make him start pulling his weight around the house. There is absolutely no reason he shouldn't be helping you with cleaning, laundry and cooking. My children are adults and since childhood, they were responsible for age appropriate chores. They are now all very successful, independent people who care for themselves and their homes. You are doing him NO FAVORS by not teaching him these basic life skills. There can be no excuses allowed for him not doing his fair share. It is very important to help him discover that he can be self-reliant.

If he’s at college perhaps he could talk to someone in Student Services? They should be able to set up someone for him to talk to and point him in the direction of any services he may need

I was a bit like that as a teenager so tired I kept sleeping a lot and couldn't be bothered with things.
My ds had depression in his teens and did the same as your ds. GP wasn't much use to be honest. They don't like prescribing anti depressants to young people.
I spent a lot of time listening to him and had many late night chats as he seemed to become nocturnal.
Getting a job with animals helped as he loves them and enjoyed having a focus and responsibility for something.
Maybe your ds is struggling with college or disenchanted with education? At this sort of age I was getting fed up of school but scared to try the adult working world.
It's a confusing time.

Thank you for your replies.
Yes, I would agree 19 is a funny age and yes, he possibly is disenchanted with education.

And yes - I do need to give him more responsibility. I just wish he would open up more.

I was depressed at that age but didn't realise it until years later and wish someone with more experience had noticed. So good on you for keeping an eye.