My husband is so thoughtless and it drives me mad !!

[krazycatlady]

I just lost my shit with my husband I went upstairs to get ds showered and pjs on . I came downstairs and he's still watching tv . I just went mad and ranted that fed up that it's me who always gets ds showered and ready for bed every night . Today I've washed , ironed , cooked and cleaned while he's done nothing except watch ds while I went to gym for a hour . The dishwasher needs unloading/loading and kitchen tidied up. It's just really annoys me he said all I have to do is ask and he agreed that he's thoughtless sometimes. I couldn't sit there while my other half ran round but he oblivious until it's pointed out .
I just needed a rant Aibu ?

When I was with EXp I realised early on to say “right, kitchen or bath?” And we would pick one. The other would do the other. before long he would ask before me so it became habit for him to be thinking of what needed done.

Could you start doing that?

I agree ^^

I just said to DH 'the living room needs hoovering and the kitchen needs sweeping then mopping - which one do you want to do?'

I also do a loose 'organised mum method' so that whoever isn't doing bath & bed (which takes 30 mins) has to do the jobs on that days list. Leaves no room for ambiguity then. I also meal plan and write meals for the week on the calendar so that the person cooking knows what's for tea.

If DH asks a question about either cleaning or cooking, I ignore them because the info is written down.

A study has shown that men are most relaxed when they sit alone in a room and their wives perform housework. They literally prefer this to their wives relaxing in front of the television with them. It makes them feel good (stress levels, as tested by the presence of cortisol in saliva, improve) to relax knowing that their wives are busy.

It's not just laziness. They LIKE IT when the wife is busy. They are physically/psychologically rewarded by it.

pressroom.usc.edu/usc-study-finds-that-stress-levels-decrease-for-women-when-husbands-help-with-housework/

That's all well and good as long as he's doing his share while I'm relaxing as well

I probably should say right can you do this while I'm doing that more often but many times I've said for example can you clear up while I run a bath for ds or make beds etc . He will say yeah in a bit . I always say let's get sorted then we can relax . He will tidy up etc on his days off if I'm in work ( he works shifts ) but when I come home I do tea bedtime routine for ds and if I go to my fitness class twice a week he'll leave all dishes out if not left instructions. It's like he walks round the house blind.

OP please just tell him what to do. Each and every night. He’s a lazy, thoughtless bugger and according to that research Just is talking about he’s actually trying to kill you 😬

Or at best, he just wants to keep you less well so that he can be happier. I knew there had to be science behind the sloth...

Ok how about you mirror him for a while and see how long it takes for him to get the point. So when you come in from work you do exactly what he’s doing. If he’s sitting watching TV you do it too, he’ll probably realise he isn’t eating at some point and ask about dinner, you can say “yes, dinner would be good” and then go back to watching TV. If he gets up to cook, you join him. If he abandons the plates after eating, you do it too. If he doesn’t move to take DC to the bath, you don’t move either. The kids will get tired and whiny, he’ll get disturbed in his tv viewing and complain to you, you can say “I know, they really should be going to bed now.” But carry on ignoring if he does.

@IStandWithPosie

I couldn't do that , no your right I really should go on strike maybe for a day at least

I reckon it would only take one evening for him to realise.

Honestly I think I do most stuff because he makes out I'm being unreasonable if I do say I have a fitness class 1 week night and Sunday morning. I occasionally will go for a run in the week if I have time and he'll say are you off out again like I'm never in. If I pull him on that he just goes I'm only saying. So I think I make sure everything is done and don't ask for help so he can't complain.
Sorry I think I'm just thinking of all the things that annoys me about him .

A grown man should not need his wife to spell out what needs to be done around the home he lives in. I would never put up with this fuckery.

No they shouldn’t, but so many of them pretend they do.

I know this is irrelevant to the thread but posts likes this pipe up several times a day, every day, it's so sad... I'm struggling to understand why people insists on coupling up when it's clearly just pain in the arse. Honestly OP, why? What's the point?

I agree with just giving him the option of job a or job b.

There’s no arguing then. This is how me and DH divide up chores, it feels good to do stuff whilst someone else is, twice as much gets done than you’ve done iyswim.

I agree, you shouldn’t have to ask. But men aren’t socialised in the same way as women, so these issues crop up again and again. Better you managing him (and carrying the mental load) than you still carrying the mental load, and doing literally everything as you feel annoyed having to ask him

I occasionally will go for a run in the week if I have time and he'll say are you off out again like I'm never in. If I pull him on that he just goes I'm only saying.

@krazycatlady My DH used to always ask what I was doing there if I ever arrived home early. I got really upset with him asking why I was in my own home so I told him so. ‘Just saying’ is not acceptable, it’s like he’s accusing you of ducking out when actually it’s him who is doing that. Pull him up on it and tell him to stop saying it.

It’s all very well saying go on strike, don’t do xyz, but he knows you’ll do whatever needs doing eventually so it’s a bit hopeless. This needing to tell him what to do is pathetic. He’s a fucking grown up! Write up a list, refer him to it and give him a fucking star chart if he’s going to act like a 5 year old with no responsibilities.

He’s playing you like a violin. You have to grow another layer of skin (not unlike the lazy, manipulative man you married) and stop caring what he thinks or says. He’s got you right where he wants you at the moment. Rushed off your feet and doing EVERYTHING. Your last post makes me feel tired just reading it. He’s such a fucker.

A grown man should not need his wife to spell out what needs to be done around the home he lives in. I would never put up with this fuckery

Ditto.

Greatduckcookery - well no. But the OPs choices are:
1 leave him
2 continue the way things are
3 spell out what needs to be done like you would to a small child, meaning she has 50% less to do

🤷‍♀️

Or 4

Mirror his behaviour till he gets it.

Why are you being such a doormat?

Seriously.

He's walking all over you and you are playing the martyr by letting him.

My dh does something similar but hell only do half a job.
He only vacuum the lounge, leave things on the side that need to be washed after he's finished washing up.

Considering he used to live in what can only be described as squalor I'm happy (ish) with the half jobs he does.