To ask how to deal with toddler that's a bully to baby!

[Zara87]

I'm getting seriously stressed with this and need some advice
My ds is almost 3. Was always praised absolutely everywhere by everyone for being the sweetest well mannered gorgeous little boy.
Ds2 arrived 6months ago and all was well for 2 months then started to deteriorate.
I just don't get it. We give ds1 so much of our time, at least a few hrs a weekend one of us will take him out on his own and do something, or get my mum to have ds2 while we all go out as a family of 3 like old times.
He talks about the baby to everyone and calls him his best friend. But he's so damn rough with him too, and not even secretly. He will be sat making him laugh (baby finds him hilarious) and they'll be having lots of giggles together, then ds1 will just shove him over, or throw something at him. When baby cries he says "haha".
That's the bit that I find the most infuriating
Tonight i was drying the baby on my bed after both boys being in the bath and ds1 came and whipped the covers off the bed whole ds2 was lying on top of them, resulting in baby almost crashing to the floor. I caught him at the last minute.
I feel like I'm getting into a spiral of constantly having the "be a good boy not a naughty boy" chat.
I tell him off and he grins the whole way through, I send him to his room and he plays with his toys. I tried the naughty step but it just seemed to detract from the reason he was there in the first place (as then it was a battle of wills over him actually staying on the step so he forgot the reason he was there in the end)
I've tried the whole gentle parenting explaining how he must make his brother feel
I've tried ignoring him totally when he's mean and giving all the attention to the baby -to be honest this does work the best but then I feel like a shit parent for feeling like "you just kicked your brother intentionally but I'm not going to tell you off".

I hate feeling like my lovely boy has disappeared forever.

Anyone got any words of wisdom / advice? Is this normal and will he outgrow it?
My brother has kids who detest each other, all they do is scream and fight and I am just terrified that this will be my boys too. I'm trying so hard :-(

I don’t have any advice as I just have the 1 DC. Just wanted to say you sound like a lovely Mum. for you, it must be very tough.

He’s still very little, despite seeming big and grown up compared to the baby. He’s not yet able to empathise so he genuinely won’t be particularly bothered that the baby is hurt because he can’t put himself in the baby’s shoes and understand that he’s hurt. At 3 he’s also very impulsive so he’s not going to think before he acts. It sounds like they generally have a very good relationship so I’d encourage that, calmly reinforce the right way to behave when he’s been rough and supervise closely as much as possible. Phrases like ‘good book/naughty boy’ are unhelpful really, it’s vague and pretty negative, I tend to focus more on how important it is to be kind and gentle.

You'll get there with them.

I've got two years between my two and it's not easy! I think 2/3 is a difficult age as well.

It really does help lavishing the attention on the eldest when they're being good and ignoring them when they're being a shit. You don't have to tell him off. A simple 'I don't want to play with mean boys' used to work with DS.

I used to get free hours with my boys from two so he did go to a childminder for a couple of hours a day. It gave me a break and time to focus on youngest, but it also gave eldest sometime and something for himself.

I also tried to avoid leaving the two of them alone too much. I made a big thing about eldest being a 'big boy' and tried to sell it to him that being a baby was rubbish, tried to encourage him to have more responsibility etc.

I’m expecting my 3rd and expecting similar from dc2 who will be 3.5 then.

Have the exact same situation 3.5 yr old dd and 6 month old dd. She adores the baby but will push her pull a blanket off etc. today she kicked baby in head (an accident) while re-enacting strictly come dancing. Just didn’t seem that bothered after.
So no advice but wanted to let you know you are not alone and I’m hoping someone will give a solution.

If you’re into parenting books then ‘siblings without rivalry’ is a very good one, it’s pretty common sense based.

No need to panic.

Hes not a bully he's a typically egocentric toddler. He doesn't do these things to his brother to upset him, or you, at the moment his behaviour is all about his feelings - the rest of the world is collateral damage.

Of course he needs to belong to be kind to his brother - and he will if you carry on the way you are doing. Its good you are spending 1 on 1 time with him but dont forget he wants ALL your attention ALL the time (this is normal too).

Try lots of positive attention and praise when he's not actively mauling his brother and watch him like a hawk so he can't hurt the baby. An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure and all that.

One thing you could try which worked with mine (I have 2 boys, similar gap) is telling him how much his little brother loves and admires him. "Oh look he's smiling at you" "he really likes watching you play, he really wishes he could join in but sorry baby, you're too small". Toddlers arent very subtle creatures so lay it on with a trowel.

Have you tried a reward chart, OP? We had to do that with DD1 when DD2 was born. It has to be specific I.e. not hitting/hurting brother rather than just 'be good'. We found that saying 'do you want your star today?' was enough to stop DD1 in her tracks.

Thanks all for this. It's helpful and is reinforcing to me that not giving him massive bolockings is correct (dh is starting to get to the point where he thinks we should be shouting to shock him into not doing it again bit it feels wrong)

Ds1 goes to nursery 2 days a week, really enjoys it there thankfully so we kept him in while I'm on mat leave. He thinks that during his 2 nursery days, baby sleeps till he gets home and I clean all day :) so basically he doesn't feel like he's being shoved to nursery while me and baby have fun.

It's so difficult. When he is nice to the baby it's just the sweetest and totally melts me. But how he then spontaneously just turns on him is infuriating. Baby isn't even on the move yet so I feel like it will get a lot worse! Ds1 will be 3 in jan and I think that you are exactly right when you say that he's still little himself. We've been lucky that we never have really had terrible two's with him. 3 or 4 tantrums ever! But this is just getting ridiculous

Barbarianmum- thanks. Everywo4d of that makes total sense. Really useful post and will explain how you've worded it to dh too..thank you

Madratlady I've not tried that book, but I will. I also really liked 'howtontalknso little kids will listen

Stepaway reward chart is something that may work, although could be very ongoing! Worked for him potty training though so is an option.

Thanks again all

I had a closer age Gap but what worked for us was bigging up the toddler to the baby. Praising all the positive interactions while putting a limit on them (mine wanted to lift the baby) - we directed / taught her to shuush him if he was crying rather than offering a toddler bear hug. The baby bought the toddler a birthday present. Aunts and uncles helped (there are loads in our family) by fussing big time over the toddler when they visited. It was a hard phase, and didn't quite seem worth the hassle when a couple of years later I had to explain they can't marry each other.

Love 51 that's hilarious! I so hope one day I will look back on this phase too and wonder why I ever worried! Just can't see the wood for the trees at the moment

We used to love my BIL and his family. When my DS was 3 he did the same thing to their DS when he was 1. He was just learning to walk and my DS would just push him over every single time ! Ensuring he does not learn to walk. Usually it was because he didn't like everyone giving his COusin all the attention!

Sometimes it's just like that and they will learn to love each other in their own time ! Give your DS1 more responsibility for taking care of DS2 maybe ? It could work .

My DS is now 6 and he still has a rocky relationship with his cousin ! Getting better though!

There’s 22 months between ds3&4, I look back now (they are 7&5) and realise that I expected too much from ds3 that first year, they are still so little and it’s a big adjustment for them

Ours were 21 months apart, it was in the 'olden days', baby had a bouncing chair and her older sister used to like to press it down at the back then let go, hence almost cutting her sister in half on the waist strap! She also once stapled her toes together. They both survived.

My older one dislocated the younger ones elbow about 18 months ago , they were only playing.

I still spend most of the day telling them to stop swinging each other around by the arms 🙄

When I was a baby my big brother HATED me. With a passion. He was 2 when I was born. From what my parents have told me it sounds like your DS is doing similar things to what my brother did to me (except my brother actively told people he didn't want a sister) and it turned out just to be an attention thing. Even though my parents did all they could to still give him as much attention as before, there was obviously times where that just wasn't possible.

He grew out of it. And I absolutely idolised him as I grew up! My first word was his name, I followed him round everywhere, I would tell everyone who would listen about my amazing big brother. We're still very close now.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is - you're doing nothing wrong. In fact, you're doing everything right. Your DS will grow out of it, it may take time but he will. In the mean time, don't leave them alone together, and make sure you're telling him off when he does something wrong. I'm sure they will grow up being the best of friends