To regret putting my DS into private education ?

[notgivingin789]

Related to another thread I've seen on here.

Hello all,

My DS attends a private specialist school. Though reading a thread on here about private schools etc. I'm experiencing the exact same issues others have stated on that thread..and I'm thinking that he should return back to a state mainstream/ specialist school.

My DS has Autism and has a specific speech impediment, Verbal dyspraxia. DS attended our local mainstream school, when he was in reception. The school wasn't a great fit for him. Though his classmates, teachers and parents adored him and were brilliant with him.

But DS was practically not receiving any help whatsoever with the school. It was very frustrating. Also, at the time, when he was 5, he was practically non- verbal (only said 5 words), his TA was lovely but had no experience with SEN and the school weren't supportive. Also, the speech and language therapist would only come in three times in a term to support DS with his speech and language difficulties.

From then on, I started searching for schools, mainstream and private, mostly around the local area. Even though the schools we sought were ok, they wouldn't have catered to DS's severe speech and language difficulties.

I then spotted another specialist setting, it wasn't a big school (very small in-fact) and didn't have fancy facilities but, I just had this gut feeling that this school would be perfect for DS. However it was a private school and is a 30-minute commute. At the time, I thought I had two options. 1) He stays put at his mainstream school, even though he would struggle. But he will still have a local connection to the area, still keep in close contact with his friends and parents etc. Teenage hood/ Adult hood may be problematic as his needs weren't fully addressed at a younger age.

Option 2) Leave the mainstream setting and opt to go to this particular private school. DS will most likely progress but he will lose the connection to the local area, friends will drift apart and he will have to commute 30 minutes each way to and from the school. But teenage/ adult hood will be less problematic as his needs would have been addressed at an early stage of his life.

I chose option 2. DS is now 8 and I must say, he has thrived. The boy who could only say 5 words at age 5 and couldn't pay attention to any learning activities whatsoever, saying 900 + words. I can have interesting conversations with him, his confidence has gone through the roof and he is extremely engaged in activities, able to participate in social activities groups.

However, this came at a cost, DS is bored with his current school small set up and his asking to move to another school- a bigger one. He has lost the local connections to the friends he once had..we see them now and again and invite them to birthday parties but it isn't the same. Most of his friends at his current school live all around the UK. We visit them often but it doesn't beat going to a friend's house down the road from the school- type of thing.

Then I read threads about the reason why people won't put their kids into private education and are expressing the exact same experiences I currently have of putting my child into private school.

I just have my doubts.

Do you think your son can now manage and thrive in a mainstream state school? If yes then go for it. Far better to have a great start and suceed and move into mainstream than a less solid start awhere you fail. Speak to you son and maybe visit the local schools.

Can he do any extra curricular activities local to home so he makes a group of local friends too? A best of both worlds compromise or would that be a bit much for him to cope with?

YANBU to consider moving him if he's outgrown his current school but from what you've written here you definitely made the right decision by putting him in this school when you did. It sounds like it's made all the difference in the world and he might have been left to flounder in his previous school.

its impossible to make the perfect decision for your DS. I am a teacher and know which of my local schools would be better for a child like your DS. There will be people on here with knowledge of schools in your local area, could you say roughly where you are so we can advise you if there is a school with great provision for students with SEN.

If you have found a school your Ds is thriving I would be reluctant to move .

I was going to ask as pp is there local groups he can join? I think if he went back friendships move on and wouldn’t be as they were when he left.

Can he do any extra curricular activities local to home so he makes a group of local friends too?

I could put him to extra curricular activities near locally to us. I thought this wouldn't make a difference, in terms of having friends in the local area.

Do you think your son can now manage and thrive in a mainstream state school. He would prefer it but DS, even though he has made great progress, he still has a long way to go and I feel, if was put back in mainstream, he would regress. Socially, I feel he would benefit being back in mainstream but not academically or to his needs.

I think that you are over thinking it. Private education was very much the norm where I grew up. 30 minutes was a short commute, many kids travelled for over an hour. Some of the girls were even from interstate or overseas. We were all perfectly happy and were capable of socialising without living on each others door steps. I have very find memories of visiting freinds farms during holidays and having friends to stay on exeat weekends. I now live overseas (as many of us do, about half the year moved away in fact either overseas or interstate) and I am still in touch with school friends and see them regularly and have them to stay etc. If anything I would say that not being tied up in a small area has been quite liberating. It's never even occurred to worry about things like how close I live to my social circle, ditto for my children. Children are going to a school where some children have up to an hours commute (ours is only 15 minutes) and as they get older boarders from further afeild will join them. Its not been an issue in any way. Obviously you know your son better than strangers on the Internet and only you can say whether his needs are being met but living really close to your friends isn't a need.

I think that you are right to realise that he's still very behind, although he's done very well. The average 3 year old has a vocabulary of 900+ words. I'm not saying that to be unkind, but it highlights the gap in development. My DD1 has been in Special School her whole life, and this week she was saying that she was doing "level 3" maths. I was amazed and for a moment thought that perhaps I was wrong to think she should be in Special School, then I realised that she's now in year 8 and the old level 3 is what some bright year 2s and most year 3/4s would be working at in old NC terms. So she's still a good 5 years behind in her strongest subject.

Is there some way of increasing his social circle locally, or finding a bigger school for him that would still be supportive? What would he lose from the school that he's at?

Hi Lougle. Yes your right. He is still behind and I don't want to hinder his progress.

Honestly, there's no school, like DS's current school. I've looked.

I think you’re neuroticising. 30 mins isn’t a commute it’s a short journey. He can’t be far from his friends. And he can always get involved in local activities - sport, music or drama groups for example.

The school is a bit small bit he’s doing much better so it was definitely the right choice.

Does this school go all the way up or will he have to change anyway at 11?

can he join cubs or scouts? I remember a young lass with Downs Syndrome he use attend one of my dc schools & what they did is to have her in a year or so younger class (other countries call it repeating) later on in secondary school she use to attend mainstream school a couple of days a week and special school/college the rest - I don't know if this is possible but it might be a way of "testing the water" for him to see if he could cope/enjoy/flourish in that environment. What I would say is when they get to year 11/12 colleges can be really helpful. Some colleges have separate courses for students with learning disabilities & also those who need extra help/time pre-vocational courses - along side mainstream students in the same college.

I would look at local extra curricular groups. My dd moved schools (within the same town) but this was massively helped by the fact she knew quite a few of them already through cubs.

I also am keen on them having different friends outside of school as if things are going a bit rubbish in school then they have a different group of friends to hang out with.

There is some cross over but it has definitely helped widen their social circles.

I agree there isn’t a perfect solution in your position I’d keep him in his current school as it seems to be the best fit for him educationally at the moment and sign him up for local clubs so he has the opportunity to make local friends. Cubs would be good as he could go on weekend camps and activities also things like swimming, football, judo, music

It sounds like you found a wonderful school that has done wonders for DS and the only disadvantage is that you have to take a short car ride to get there.

I second PP advice of enrolling him in Scouts (you could volunteer too - they're always desperate for more adults) or other local groups.

30 mins isn’t a commute it’s a short journey. He can’t be far from his friends

Far as in, it's out of borough. We take the train mostly, which is 30 minutes. Taking the bus will be a 50 minute commute but as we hardly take the bus, it's irrelevant in this context.

Does this school go all the way up or will he have to change anyway at 11? The school goes through to secondary but I've decided he wouldn't be attending the secondary provision.

he can always get involved in local activities - sport, music or drama groups Very true. DS's current extra-curricular activities are around where his school is. But I've decided to make a change and find extra curricular activities in our local area instead.

I would go for something like cubs which is likely to be very local.

How far behind is he? are you thinking of putting him into mainstream senior, sounds like it would be a big change.

Honestly, I think you've probably done the right thing.

One of the most painful things for my autistic DS was when 'friends' from school started noticing he was 'different' and started making excuses not to play with him. Playdates were never reciprocated. Everyone would come to his party but never invite him to theirs. It made me deeply unhappy for a long time. That could have happened if your DS had stayed locally. Instead, he's done so well he's outgrown where he is.

You've done brilliantly for him so far. Maybe there is another place that's right for him.
Meanwhile, if you think he's ready and keen to reintegrate with the local social group, I'd sign him up for cubs/scouts or rugby or football if he enjoys them.

I agree with others. The reality is that if he joins a class of 30 in a normal state school he is likely to get insufficient support. He might also find the social side more difficult as 8 year olds and beyond are often not as nice and accepting of difference as 5 year olds.

You’ve done the right thing imho. Your DS is learning the skills to be sociable, to engage, to learn. This will enable him to feel connected to the world throughout his entire life. Without it, his world would be fustrsting, small and possibly quite lonely. His ‘local friends’ would most likely not be inviting a non verbal boy to their friendships, play dates or parties.

Local can be over played too. Sometimes it works out, a nice few friends around the corner. Often friendships ebb and flow, and sometimes they are on the outside looking in.

My DS is a bit younger, but also commutes 40 minutes each way to a special school. Absolutely the best choice. Mainstream would be awful, he’d be managed just to stay in a class but learn nothing.

I would link in with activities now though. 8 is a great age for this. Sports, Cubs, science, so many now.

Extracurriculars locally and moving schools at 11 sounds like a nice, staggered transition to me.

I would be tempted to take the problem to your current school. DS feels his wings are a bit clipped, he wants more educational challenge and a bigger pond. See what they can come up with. If they're that good, they might surprise you.

I really value my children going to their local school and seeing people they know wherever they go. Perhaps I overvalue that sense of belonging, because my own experience of not having it. But your son's childhood is long and he has a lot of growing still to do. Moving at 11ish would give plenty of time to develop that sense of grounding. It does sound like the best of both worlds. You don't have to "fix" everything right now and it sounds like he is in a brilliant place.

are you thinking of putting him into mainstream senior. No, not a big mainstream senior school. I was thinking of putting him into a very small mainstream secondary that has very good SEN support/ unit. That depends how he gets on in the next couple of years.

How far behind is he. He is behind in his learning... the downside is that his particular school is that (I feel) don't push the kids academically enough. I have outsourced a specialist tutor to make up for this. Also, his language difficulties are still huge difficulty.

His ‘local friends’ would most likely not be inviting a non verbal boy to their friendships, play dates or parties. Very true. Reception, DS had many play dates, parties invites but I wonder if this would have changed if he stayed put at his mainstream school.

The reality is that if he joins a class of 30 in a normal state school he is likely to get insufficient support. He might also find the social side more difficult as 8 year olds and beyond

Exactly my worry.

My son is in a unit attached to a mainstream school. The sad fact is that he still doesn’t have any local friends (or indeed any friends really). He has playmates at school, but none that translate into party invitations or play dates. I think that this is just his stage of development. He can’t keep up with the complexities of 8 year old social relationships and doesn’t really understand them. I actually think that if he were at a special school he might have more opportunities for friends at his level, though they might not be local. I’d definitely say leave him where he is for now.