AIBU?
Pushy neighbour - think I need to keep my distance - AIBU?
Defenbaker · 13/10/2018 21:22
We have a neighbour living a few doors away, that we have become friendly with over the last few years. He's quite a nice chap in some ways, and pleasant enough to chat to, but in others he is a bit of an oddball and can be creepy at times - I will call him CN. For background, he is retired, he lives alone and is quite involved in neighbourhood watch (he has CCTV with several cameras outside his home, some of which are aimed at the front pavement/road area). He used to be a shop manager years ago, and likes to think he knows how to manage people.
I bump into CN a lot as I do a lot of walking, and don't mind chatting to him (or other neighbours) as I pass by, but have started to feel uneasy about some of the odd behaviour he exhibits. For instance, one day I was in a local shop browsing, and suddenly noticed a hand in my handbag. I was a bit alarmed and snatched my bag away, as I thought someone was trying to take my purse. It was CN. I frowned and asked him what the hell he was doing. He started laughing, and said "Oh, I thought you'd seen me... I was only playing about!" I obviously hadn't seen him, and didn't see the joke.
Another time I was chatting to CN in his front garden, discussing plants (I like gardening), when another neighbour drove past. CN suddenly grabbed me and made out like he was kissing me! He said, "Everyone thinks we're having an affair so I thought I may as well play along with it!" I said words along the lines of "That's never gojng to happen!" and gave him a certain look to make it clear, but I think he imagines I've got a thing for him (I haven't, I'm happily married).
Today he did something bizarre. We have recently had a new door put in, and he happened to walk by when I was pottering about outside. He started chatting to me and admired the new door, then tried the handle. I explained it's locked and he then put his own key in the lock to see if it would work! I said "Don't do that, you might jam the lock putting the wrong key in it", and his response was "Nah, it'll be fine", then before I could stop him he tried a second key in the lock! I was bloody annoyed about it, as locks can jam if the wrong key is put in, but he just went ahead anyway. It sort of brought the point home to me that he is too pushy and intrusive, and I really
need to keep my distance from him. AIBU or is this man quite creepy?
Womaningreen · 14/10/2018 09:51
I had a neighbour who was a bit like this - not as bad though.
I ended up telling him to fuck off when he lunged at me for a kiss at Christmas.
these characters are all utterly revolting. I still see him and he makes a big point of moving away from me. Yay!
Willow2017 · 14/10/2018 10:14
He is not lonely or misguided he is a person who sees you as an easy target. You havent pulled him up on his behaviour strongly enough so its escalating.
The key in the lock thing was him trying to find out if his keys fitted so he can get in your house either when you are out or when you are alone. He did it in front of you to pretend he was 'just checking'. Be ifnored you as a form of control he will not accept your wishes nor boundaries, he will do what he wants with regards to you.
Tell your dh all. Hope he goes round and tells him to back the fuck off from you.
Tell the police about his cameras. Say you are concerned about the things he is saying about people he watches on them you included. Mention everything else he has done to give context to your worries.
He is not allowed to film all areas with them there are strict criteria for home cameras.
Dont engage in conversation with him at all. He is relying on your good nature to keep harassing you in the pretence of "only joking". If anyone asks why you dont talk to him TELL them so they can be forwarned.
If you try to explain to him why you dont want to talk you will get every excuse under the sun about 'banter' and how YOU are too sensitive and misunderstood him. Fuck that.
Bottom line is he went way over friendliness into sexual assault and ignoring your explicit instructions re the door just so he could exert control over you. Very worrying behaviour.
ohfourfoxache · 14/10/2018 10:17
He’s not just creepy, he’s disgusting
Keep a record of everything that happens - the fake kiss, trying your lock etc. And get CCTV as soon as possible. Not saying anything will happen but if you have everything recorded you won’t need it
I’d also tell your dh
TatterdemalionAspie · 14/10/2018 13:49
He is lonely but misguided,
I doubt that very much - seems far more likely that he is predatory, inappropriate and deliberately pushing your boundaries to see how far you'll let him go.
I must avoid giving him any signal that could be misconstrued.
Why are you pussyfooting around him and trying to second guess his inappropriate behaviour? You need to be very firm with him - stop engaging with him at all, and shut down any attempt at this kind of fucked up behaviour. He put his hand in your bag, grabbed you without your consent and tried to unlock your door when you had told him not to. I'd have gone fucking nuclear! 
If your DH thinks all that is 'funny', then I'd be pretty pissed off with him, too. 
Defenbaker · 14/10/2018 15:24
To be fair to DH, I didn't tell him about the feigned kiss incident, it sort of made me wonder if I'd been giving the wrong impression to everyone (including CN), by stopping to chat to him regularly. DH returns today from a weekend away for a sports event, so when he returns I will tell him all the details.
Sadly, it seems there are many men who take the fact that a woman enjoys a chat as a sign that they are up for something more - deluded morons. I doubt very much he would try to go further, but it does need nipping in the bud and I appreciate the sound advice from the Mumsnet collective. 
Womaningreen · 14/10/2018 15:57
none of this your fault, OP. Sadly I have learned there's enough crazy men out there that I've made my default mode into "frosty" but I shouldn''t have had to!
I thought your DH responses were a bit odd. The kiss thing is assault in my view, the key thing is really worrying, what the hell does he try when people aren't about? I'd be interested to know what your other neighbours think. After I caused a scene with mine, I found out he's been hassling other women.
Bracknellite · 14/10/2018 19:15
You need to pull right back from the ‘friendship’ establish some real boundaries (by informing him the key thing wasnt acceptable and the kiss thing was assault).
Make sure the neighbor understands that anything further like this and there will be consequences (ie police etc)
Make sure your dh is fully clued in to the potential seriousness (he doesn’t sound unreasonable, just not fully informed)
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