To think we can't force them ....

[lesstonicmoregin]

Back story - One DSC, 11. Never know his parents together. DH and I no DC of our own (trying) married 4 years, very stable home life, own our own home etc. DSC and mum, very chaotic life, move frequently by choice, various partners, 4 schools.
No formal Agreement in place. But have DSC eow, adhoc through holidays - we would like more but mum doesn't want their routine upset. DSC have always seemed happy with us, we always do fun things but also have a routine of normality so it's not Disney parenting. Past 2 weekends, DSC has been in tears about having to be with us. 1st weekend we put our foot down and said they had to stay on the Saturday but could go home early if they still felt sad on Sunday (they did) This weekend they had a huge fight with their mum before school Friday begging them not to go, she said they had to. Queue tears all night Friday, Saturday

• until we had to get them picked up Saturday night, as they were so upset. They won't tell us what's wrong, apart from they don't want to come on the big overseas break we have booked in a few months (once in a life time type holiday) but mum says they have to.

I'm stuck as to what to do, DH is in bits. AIBU to think we can't force them to be here, but it's not fair that mum doesn't get a break. But we can't take them on holiday if they'll cry the whole time and ruin it for everyone?! Themselves included. DSC is good in their comfort zone, but terrible out with it, any ideas ?!

Could you drop to being there for days until you get to the bottom of it.
It sounds like things aren't settled at mums house and your dsc is worried about mum.
Can you talk to her?

Sounds like your DSC needs an impartial person to talk stuff though with? I would be worried about the sudden change in attitude that something has happened meaning they want to stick close to Mum.

It sounds like something has really got the child worried if they've been fine up until now. Are they worried about what might happen while they are away overseas, have they ever been before and are they worrying they might come back and have been moved elsewhere?

Has mum given any indication they might be moving again in the near future?

I second seeing if someone impartial can speak with them - maybe school can point you in the right direction.

As far as we know/have been told things seem stable for mum atm. No current BF, stressed at work (aren't we all), Bit tight for money, but that's always been the case although DH pays fair and generous CM.

Is there any pattern to moves. If thinks are feeling particularly settled right now dc may well be imagining a move is imminent.

Is it possible mum, being currently single, is relying on dc being around more than they would have done if they had a partner. Eg telling dc they'll miss them more, they'll be lonely without them etc.

11yo-Y6 or Y7? Have they just started a new school? If so, friendship issues, or very tired approaching half term, or not wanting to miss out on more grown up social life with new friends?

No pattern to the moves, thankfully now in the same area, used to be 40km at a time ..... the only thing I can think off is DSC feels pushed away by mum. Previously if they didn't want to come, she wouldn't push it. We've tried to take them on big holiday's 3 times prior and said no, too young, too far, too dangerous. This is the only time she has said, no you have to go! Maybe that's stressing them out .....

@Seeline not in uk, so just had half term so not over tired. No change in year either, we encourage them to bring friends over - point blank refuse. They can get online and play ps4 with friends (they do this at mums) but won't do it with us.

Bump