For not forgiving her

[nm1989]

I can't forgive my mum for staying with my abusive father.

I've tried for 15 years. She was also a victim so I know this is not fair. I can't move past my childhood and I don't want her in my life anymore.

She left eventually when I was 17... am I a monster?

No, you're not a monster. I believe that's a very common feeling - at the end of the day she "should have" protected you and wasn't able to for whatever reason, and that's a massive let down. You were vulnerable and not able to protect yourself or leave the situation by yourself. I don't think you should speak negatively to yourself about your feelings - they are totally valid. I'm sorry you've been through / are going through something so difficult and complex.

I am sorry that you are having a difficult time.

It is perhaps not helpful but my children and I have had a very difficult couple of years divorcing their abusive father.

Whilst I find no happiness in your post I experience great relief that the confusion of this time is not worse than staying together for appearances sake.

Your Mum will have done what she could with what she had. I should have left my abusive h far before I did. I thought he struggled with family life. I didn't know that abusers are abusive on purpose.

You don't I suppose need to forgive your mum but i am certain she wasn't trying to hurt you.

OP, have you spoken to your mum about it? Are you already NC or planning on becoming so?

As PP said, your feelings are valid.

Can I ask are you yourself a parent? There are things that happened in my childhood that as a parent make me rage, that prior to becoming a parent, I hadn't even realised were neglectful.

I'm sorry that your childhood was blighted, ruined, by your father, and YANBU to hold your mother partly responsible for that by failing to leave and take you with her when you were a child.

I am in exactly the same space as you OP. I've been NC for over a year and it's been tough but the best thing for me mentally whilst I heal

Thank you for replying everyone. I'm in a low place today and I feel as though I've reached a point where I need to do this.

My mum is a lovely woman. She is kind and she tries to please everyone around her. She's generous and she's always helped me financially when I was younger. We don't talk of the past and I have not spoken to my father since the day she left him, not only because I'd be too terrified to do so but also because he never tried to.

As an adult I can now understand how hard it must have been for her, and how easy it is to slide into an emotionally abisive relationship. I ended a relationship with a man who cheated, lied, gas lit and stole from me 3 years ago. I've experienced bad relationships and I get that she didn't believe she could leave (she thought he'd kill her).

But In the past, and as a late teen, I've explained how my childhood hurt me...She has said things to defend herself and minimise the abuse that happened. I don't think I can forgive her for this. I have so much resentment around the fact she had her happy childhood and yet mine had no happiness, it was just pure fear.

I'm sobbing myself silly right now trying to get this all out. On the outside I'm probably functional, I own a house, have a pet, have a car and a decent job. But I'm chronically single. No one can love me because I'm crazy in relationships because I just can't cope with them. I have suffered from depression for most of my life and tried to end my life in my early twenties. I yearn for children and a happy stable relationship but I don't think I will ever have that opportunity.

Blue - you're doing the right thing by your children. It'll be tough but they will thank you for it.

Arsenal, thank you for replying. I'm not a mother although I'd love to be. But now I think about my childhood from the perspective of myself as an adult it makes it worse...I can't imagine not protecting my children and letting them experience their childhood.

Crazyduchess, good luck to you and I hope this helps you. Did your mum contribute toward the abuse? I know my mum tried to make us happy but ultimately we were terrified. She uses the fact that she'd take us to the park and buy us treats as a way to avoid the truth. This is what makes me feel so guilty at the thought of cutting contact

Op thank you. I guess the hardest part is that mine are so young that I have managed to protect them. Only by default of their memory bank not being capable of recalling all of the horrors.

There are many times before I ended my marriage that I should have ended my marriage. What's hard for me now is that I cant prove the abuse. Indeed 6 months after he left he, low and behold, realised it was him that was being abused. Now that accusation doesnt even upset me. But now it did at the time.

As I say, your words bring me comfort. My stbxh plays Disney Dad very well and my children work hard to please him but they won't ever know how nasty, bad, mean and poisonous he was to us.

If it wasn't for my parents no doubt id be stuck. You and your mum have been through enough. Try to put it to one side. Don't let your father continue to work his tricks and punish you. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Big hugs!

My lovely, rather than cut your mum out of your life, try to focus on making you better for now. It's a monumental decision to make re your mum & one I suspect you aren't ready for but I do think you're ready for moving on in some way.

Why do t you take one step at a time,have some counselling & for a time, agree with your mum that you need some space & no contact. That way, you get breathing space & without seeing or speaking to mum & you'll then work out if you miss her or not but you'll be focusing on yourself while that happens xxx

Yeah I guess my mum protected as best she could - but i could never understand why she would take him back again over and over - after all the refuges, moving home, police officers in the middle of the night.

Her only "excuse"..... but he's your father

I blame her squarely for all the trauma she put us through - it went on for far longer than needed and for that I cannot forgive her.

I agreed with the counselling - and I have had a tonne - CBT and compassion Therapy to address some of my long standing mental health issues caused by growing up in such a dysfunctional home - and I was the sibling that turned out " ok"

Maybe you could do the Freedom Programme. It may help you understand some of the decisions your mother made a bit better as well as help you with your own experiences of the abuse.

She has said things to defend herself and minimise the abuse that happened

I think this is what would make it hard for me to forgive if I was in your situation. If in your situation my mother said "Yes, you are right. I fucked up. What you had to live through was horrible. I'm so sorry, can you find it in your heart to forgive me" I think it'd be easier to forgive.

It would be the lack of acknowledgement of what her actions brought to my life that would make it impossible for me to forgive.

But I'm chronically single. No one can love me because I'm crazy in relationships because I just can't cope with them. I have suffered from depression for most of my life and tried to end my life in my early twenties. I yearn for children and a happy stable relationship but I don't think I will ever have that opportunity

This is me through and through..... honestly if I did not have my DC in my 20s am certain i wouldnt be writing this post right now. My DC saved my sanity - but i have no doubts my upbringing left deep deep psychological scars and no doubt my DC would have been affected by my upbringing in both positive and negative ways.

This is my personal experience