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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tell me I'm wrong for feeling this way

21 replies

Picklepickle123 · 13/10/2018 14:09

DS was being a bit difficult after breakfast this morning so thought I would quickly video call my brother - a preferred method of distraction for us!

Had a quick chat where he informed me he was off to the registry office to get married!

I KNOW official MN advice is that it's their life and therefore their wedding. But AIBU for being a little upset? We are a close family and a small family too (no GPs, only parents and two siblings) so it's not like they would need to invite the masses or anything.

I want to feel happy for them but just feel a little sad. SIL has never really liked our family and she has been pushing for this for a while, I just didn't think DBro would cave. Also, do I send a present now? Really not sure what to do with myself.

OP posts:

NWQM · 13/10/2018 14:17

Aw honey I'd be devastated and hurt. Totally get why you are sad. I would however 'do the done thing' and send a card & gift. Perhaps even suggest a meal to celebrate. Feign being delighted until you get ober he snub and don't rise to being upset.

WeShouldBeFriends · 13/10/2018 14:28

I just didn't think DBro would cave
Your sil is probably well aware of your attitude towards her so understandable she didn't want you there.

SpankTheMonkey · 13/10/2018 14:37

Honestly OP, I think you are being a little bit unreasonable

Here is why - It is their day. Not yours. Theirs.

It is as simple as that, they are going what they want, when they want it, so to begrudge that, and make it somehow about you, is not fair

It is not surprising they have chosen this route if there is friction between your family and SIL

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/10/2018 14:39

It is hurtful.

Don’t send a present. Maybe a congrats card.

Butterymuffin · 13/10/2018 14:42

I would be hurt by this, too, but approach it with the best way to keep your brother on side in mind, and avoiding being the bad guy yourself - which is what'll happen if you express upset or make a fuss. No card or present needed for a secret wedding! I would send a breezy text later saying 'Hope you had a lovely day, pleased at your good news, congrats to you and the new Mrs whatever!' and leave it at that. Play the long game.

ButchyRestingFace · 13/10/2018 14:44

Had a quick chat where he informed me he was off to the registry office to get married!

There may be zero sentiment attached for them. They may be doing it for cold, hard financial reasons and view it as nothing more than a business transaction.

Unless her family are all there, I’d try not to get too upset.

Card, but don’t knock yourself out buying presents.

Nettled · 13/10/2018 15:23

That's exactly what we did. I'm very fond of my family, I just didn't want a 'wedding' at all, regardless of inviting people, just the two of us by ourselves with witnesses. Ditto my DH. My brother was the only one who knew as he happened to phone out of the blue as I was walking down the street towards the registry office.

All I'm saying is it's not necessarily some kind of insult. No one owes anyone a wedding, even if they're close family. I simply didn't view getting married as special, and I wouldn't have done it at all if we'd have to have guests. My relationship, on the other hand, is very special, but that wasn't news as we'd been together a long time.

SoyDora · 13/10/2018 15:24

I guess they just wanted to be married without the fuss and expense of a wedding? Pretty sensible really.

Flowerpot2005 · 13/10/2018 15:27

Tricky one.

Do you get on with her normally? If no other family were there then, whilst you've every right to feel sad & hurt, you'll have to accept it is how they wanted it x

pigsDOfly · 13/10/2018 15:35

You're not wrong to feel that way you feel OP.

I'm not close to my birth family so wouldn't know if my siblings were getting married or not but if you are a close family I can understand why you would want to have been told even if they're not having a wedding type wedding iyswim.

I have three DCs - one is married - and I know that they would be incredibly hurt if one of them got married without, at least, telling the others.

We're a small close knit family and can't imagine any of them getting married with their siblings there tbh.

I'd send a card with warm congratulation and leave it at that. Can't see the need for a present unless you really want to.

If you don't have the wedding, you can't really expect the wedding presents.

Sassypants82 · 13/10/2018 15:36

Two of my siblings did this & told us after the fact. I definitely get why your hurt but in time, the sting will fade. It's absolutely no reflection on how they feel about you, it's simply all about them, and they're entitled to that. So try to be happy for them & suggest a dinner to celebrate.

Sassypants82 · 13/10/2018 15:38

Sorry to clarify, my sister and then a few years later, my brother both 'eloped' alone, if you like.

auntyflonono · 13/10/2018 16:19

I would send flowers today and hide my disappointment, use it as an opportunity to get along a little better with SIL too.

Aprilislonggone · 13/10/2018 16:23

No fuss =no grand gift then imo.

Fooferella · 13/10/2018 16:24

YANBU. My dad did this with my stepmum. They'd been together for a decade and I lived across the country and probably couldn't have gone but it hurt that dsis and I weren't even told beforehand. I think you still have to suck it up because it is their decision to do it that way and probably not meant to be a snub to you.

bringbackthestripes · 13/10/2018 16:27

My DSis got married without telling anyone. I totally understood that she didn’t want the hassle and palava and dealing with awkward family members.

Yes, send them a gift. They got married so congratulate them with a card & gift and be happy for them.

HopeGarden · 13/10/2018 16:36

I’d be upset by that too.

But in the interests of maintaining a good sibling relationship going forwards, I’d still get them a card and gift and do my best to act all happy about their wedding.

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/10/2018 17:30

A card is sufficient. If you’re not invited to the wedding a gift is overkill.

leafgrass · 13/10/2018 17:58

Put on an after wedding party for him? You'll all get chance to celebrate and show your true grit to SIL.

Caprisunorange · 13/10/2018 17:59

I’d be devastated

Original poster

Picklepickle123 · 13/10/2018 22:32

Just to be clear, I don't have a problem with SIL, she seems to have a problem with us. She thinks that our family is 'lower class'. I can honestly say I've always tried to maintain neutral and ignore snide comments.

I think the whole thing stings a little bit because when the idea was banded about six months ago, my brother himself was very against the idea because he wanted my parents there. If she couldn't stand us, she could have invited them!

OP posts:

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