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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed/upset at a friend/bridesmaid

17 replies

MrsR2018 · 13/10/2018 13:46

Bit of insight...
I got married earlier this year, was quite an informal bash and only a small bridal/grooms party.
I had my 2 best friends from school as bridesmaids.
1 of said BM is getting married herself in a couple of years and I’ve just recently found out I’m not going to be her BM but the other girl who was also mine, is.
Now it’s not particularly this that’s upset me, it’s that I found out through social media! Not once has this girl thought to approach me and tell me, it was just left to good old social media.
I understand that just because she was mine I don’t HAVE to be hers, and I didn’t particularly expect to be based on this BUT, based on our longstanding friendship, I was hoping I would be involved in a good friends wedding.
Im starting to think maybe the friendship is more one sided and definitely more on my behalf.

AIBU to be upset/hurt by this?

OP posts:
SpankTheMonkey · 13/10/2018 14:00

This is a bit tit for tat. Why should she tell you, that you are NOT going to be BM

I was in your friends position, had been a BM at her wedding, and a few years later, when it came round to planning mine...we wanted to keep it small....but she threw a massive strop about it. She had assumed that she would be my BM, as I had been hers.....but I just did not want that type of wedding

I ended up having her as a BM, and changing my day to suit her

Wish I had stuck to my guns now

It is her day, OP. That is all I can say, it is not about you at all, it is about her

Original poster
MrsR2018 · 13/10/2018 14:05

I get that @SpankTheMonkey and I won’t even say anything to her. As I said in my original post, I also thought I would be involved based on years of friendship, not just because she was part of mine.

I would never expect her to change her to just to suit me either, that’s selfish and unreasonable when I completely understand it’s hers/their day.

OP posts:
KC225 · 13/10/2018 14:14

Yes, I do understand. If she had not had either of you - fine. But if you pick of two long standing friend, then I think you owe the other one a dialogue, no matter how awkward. What does the other bridesmaid friend have to say about it? The bride must know, you know.

Original poster
MrsR2018 · 13/10/2018 14:19

Exactly @KC225, I just feel so hurt she can pick one over the other!
The other BM hasn’t mentioned it when she’s had ample opportunity too which has narked me a bit but I guess it’s not her position to say anything and I probably won’t bring it up with her as I don’t want to make her uncomfortable

OP posts:
SpankTheMonkey · 13/10/2018 14:19

You sound a nicer person than my friend OP - she went beserk and stopped speaking to me until I changed my mind

WerewolfNumber1 · 13/10/2018 14:24

Is it that she’s quite traditional? Some people think that married women can’t be bridesmaids so she may have thought it was obvious you wouldn’t be BM?

Original poster
MrsR2018 · 13/10/2018 14:31

@SpankTheMonkey oh god no!! I’m just upset that I’m not even worth an explanation. It’s not even a small occasion that could be the excuse, she’s having several!
@WerewolfNumber1 no it can’t be that as one of the other BM’s is married

OP posts:
WelcomeToShootingStars · 13/10/2018 14:33

You're being a bit weird and precious.

She shouldn't have to tell you why you're not a bridesmaid or make any separate announcement to you regards bridesmaids.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 13/10/2018 14:37

It's not usual to tell someone that they aren't a bridesmaid, or aren't godparent or anything like that. Telling someone "you are not going to be a bridesmaid" probably felt at best awkward, at worst rude and nasty.

NWQM · 13/10/2018 14:38

I think it's only natural to be a bit upset and feel left out. You have been of the bridal party. Just try not to react as it's an outright snub unless you are sure it is. Don't let it upset you.

MaintainTheMolehill · 13/10/2018 14:38

Wait until the next time you see her then ask her with wild eyed excitement and innocence "so.... have you picked your bridesmaids yet" then close your eyes and cross your fingers. That'll make her feel awkward.

She did owe you a conversation.

Mustang27 · 13/10/2018 16:37

Yabu

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 13/10/2018 16:43

You made her wear a vile frock didn't you? This is why she won't return the favour.

It was such a hideous dress that even making you wear one equally as hideous will never ever right the wrong you did to her. The damage has been done.

#bridezilla :o

Original poster
MrsR2018 · 13/10/2018 17:59

@NWQM I won’t make a scene about it, doubt I’ll even say anything.
@MaintainTheMolehill I did think of this but I just couldn’t do it 🙈
@MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours ahhhh that’s what it is! 🤣

OP posts:
LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 13/10/2018 18:23

I don't think it's unreasonable to have 'the conversation' with women who might expect to be a bridesmaid. I was a bridesmaid for a couple of friends and spoke to both of them explaining I wasn't having any bridesmaids but had other roles for them in the wedding.

poglets · 13/10/2018 19:07

I couldn't be upset about this. I know some people would be but this takes up way too much emotional headspace. Just let people get on with what they want, wish them well and adjust accordingly.

UserName31456789 · 13/10/2018 19:17

YANBU I think a considerate person would have let you know and perhaps given you an alternate job or reassured you she wanted you involved even though you weren't a BM.

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