I’m due to have my 4th baby in the next week or so, so I gather my issue may be hormonal.
My husband in the past had a cocaine addiction, which I knew very little about. We’ve been together for 16 years and he developed an addiction after 13 years of being together, randomly after trying it when out with friends. Before he started using he was the most amazing husband and father, I trusted him 100%, he never went out and when he did would always be home for 10.
Well 3 years ago during his drug period I caught him being secretive with his phone, he was drunk (and on coke) although I didn’t know this at the time. We were in bed and he thought I was asleep. I pulled his phone off him and ran with it to the bathroom. I looked through his history and he’d gone on to some milfs meet up site, and entered all his details. I threw him out for a week and he stayed with family and told everyone I threw him out over porn. It wasn’t the porn it was the fact that he’d signed up with his email address etc. He then said it was a pop up on porn hub and you had to enter your details to see photos. He was really sorry etc. Anyway fast forward 3 years and his cocaine use became so much worse, although I never caught him on porn sites etc, but he lost his job, got caught drink/drug driving our relationship became very toxic. Anyway after spending a night in a police cell it seem to give him the kick up the bum he needed to turn his life around. Because he’s lied so much in the last 3 years about anything and everything (common with addiction) apparently.
I now keep bringing up that night I caught him on that milf site. He said when you’re on coke it makes you horny and can see it’s disrespectful to me now, but he was just looking to masterbate and you had to enter your details to see pictures, I tried this myself and he was telling the truth. He also said he was wasted and was just clicking on everything, not making clear rational thoughts like I’m thinking from a sober point of view. I still keep thinking “porn hub has loads of free videos etc, why couldn’t he just watch that?” He said because he was looking at still images as I was lying next to him so couldn’t watch a video. I just don’t know what to think. He is ok with being questioned continuously but says he can’t tell me anymore than he already has. Plus during another time we separated I made him live with his mum for a month, our phones were synced so I could see everything he looked on. He did go on porn hub about 3 times but just vids no chat sites etc.
Should I just try to leave it in the past and move on? Apart from that everything is going really well. He tells me how much he loves me constantly and I don’t have any other reason to mistrust him.