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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU husband sex sites/porn

5 replies

Chicken8988 · 13/10/2018 13:04

I’m due to have my 4th baby in the next week or so, so I gather my issue may be hormonal.

My husband in the past had a cocaine addiction, which I knew very little about. We’ve been together for 16 years and he developed an addiction after 13 years of being together, randomly after trying it when out with friends. Before he started using he was the most amazing husband and father, I trusted him 100%, he never went out and when he did would always be home for 10.

Well 3 years ago during his drug period I caught him being secretive with his phone, he was drunk (and on coke) although I didn’t know this at the time. We were in bed and he thought I was asleep. I pulled his phone off him and ran with it to the bathroom. I looked through his history and he’d gone on to some milfs meet up site, and entered all his details. I threw him out for a week and he stayed with family and told everyone I threw him out over porn. It wasn’t the porn it was the fact that he’d signed up with his email address etc. He then said it was a pop up on porn hub and you had to enter your details to see photos. He was really sorry etc. Anyway fast forward 3 years and his cocaine use became so much worse, although I never caught him on porn sites etc, but he lost his job, got caught drink/drug driving our relationship became very toxic. Anyway after spending a night in a police cell it seem to give him the kick up the bum he needed to turn his life around. Because he’s lied so much in the last 3 years about anything and everything (common with addiction) apparently.

I now keep bringing up that night I caught him on that milf site. He said when you’re on coke it makes you horny and can see it’s disrespectful to me now, but he was just looking to masterbate and you had to enter your details to see pictures, I tried this myself and he was telling the truth. He also said he was wasted and was just clicking on everything, not making clear rational thoughts like I’m thinking from a sober point of view. I still keep thinking “porn hub has loads of free videos etc, why couldn’t he just watch that?” He said because he was looking at still images as I was lying next to him so couldn’t watch a video. I just don’t know what to think. He is ok with being questioned continuously but says he can’t tell me anymore than he already has. Plus during another time we separated I made him live with his mum for a month, our phones were synced so I could see everything he looked on. He did go on porn hub about 3 times but just vids no chat sites etc.

Should I just try to leave it in the past and move on? Apart from that everything is going really well. He tells me how much he loves me constantly and I don’t have any other reason to mistrust him.

OP posts:
Justanotheruser01 · 13/10/2018 13:08

The only way i can see your relationship working is if you put a line under it now and let yourself move on otherwise you'll be in limbo forever (in my opinion) thats not healthy for you.

TubbyTubster · 13/10/2018 13:11

Seems odd to me that he lied to you for 3 years about a presumably very expensive coke habit, ended up in prison and what you’re struggling to get over is him looking a few images of “milfs”.

But if that’s your only issue with this situation then I’d advise you to get over it, it’s not really a big deal.

Chicken8988 · 13/10/2018 13:16

I know, I have an anxiety disorder which I can usually manage now but I do fear this is OCD manifesting itself. As I keep replaying the situation over and over again. Despite it happing three years ago! When I do talk to my husband I do feel temporarily relieved as you can tell when he’s lying etc.

I have said to myself that if I ever did find any inckling of cheating or any drug use ever again I’d be gone, as I feel like I bent over backwards to try to hold my family together and help my husband through his addiction and it has literally left me with bigger issues than it left him. I am just so sad by what drugs did to my family as for 13 years I had the perfect family. Sad

OP posts:
Chicken8988 · 13/10/2018 13:18

TubbyTubster - he didn’t go to prison he just got a fine and a driving ban, but was enough to scare him into changing. It’s like something clicked in his head!

OP posts:
Chicken8988 · 13/10/2018 13:25

My issue wasn’t looking at the porn is that he’d signed up to a milfs meetup pop up thing, due to all the lies he’s told regarding drugs etc. It’s making me question if he was looking to meet up with women etc. Although he swears it was just to get into the sites. And he does seem genuine when he tells me now. I would never put him down as a cheat but drugs literally changed him as a person. Also he’s never been one to ogle women, he’s always respectful of women. He used to be a fireman and a lot of the lads used to joke that he wasn’t normal as he’d never join in as to commenting when a pretty girl went past like all the rest of the crew did, so I’m trying to balance out my thoughts and be rational too.

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