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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parasite

29 replies

Butterfly8211 · 13/10/2018 09:13

I'll keep this short: Been with my partner for over 8 years, and we are now in our mid 20s. Until last year, we both lived with our parents which really wasn't ideal, but we felt we couldn't afford to do anything else. It came to a point where we both needed and wanted to move out (he got a new , well paid job which meant he needed to move near a train station, and I really couldn't stand living with my family anymore).

While I wanted to, I was hesitant as I worried about money - we live in the south east, and I earn under £20k, while flats cost around £800 p/m to rent. With his new job he is earning over £40k (which is good for our age), and he said don't worry, we will have a joint account and I can put £500 in a month and he will put £800. This covers rent, all bills, and essential household food.

So that's what we've been doing, but lately he has really come to resent this, and has been calling me a 'parasite' in arguments as if I am sitting at home, having the life of riley on his money all day. Yes, I know I should try and earn more, but I was also made redundant this year and found a job fast - it didn't pay any more, but I wanted to be in work. I should also add I run and pay for a car on my money (he doesn't drive, and I need it to get to work).

So what I'm asking is AIBU - should we be paying 50/50? Being called a parasite is really upsetting, as it's not easy to just find a well paid job.

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 13/10/2018 09:15

Fuck that shite and leave he can pay it all himself

itbemay · 13/10/2018 09:23

He sounds awful. As per PP! He offered to pay more, he earns more if it were you earning more would you do the same? I would think carefully about tour long term future with this man, what would it be like if you were on maternity leave etc with minimal pay?

Dollymixture22 · 13/10/2018 09:23

Leave him. This will only get worse.

You should feel generous and kind towards the other person in your life, if you have very different incomes it is totally reasonable for one person to pay more toward someone household expenses.

This is a very cruel taunt. He sounds unkind and unreasonable. Get out

SpottingTheZebras · 13/10/2018 09:25

LTB

Allchangehere346 · 13/10/2018 09:27

As PP - he sounds like a nasty piece of work.
Honestly, I’d be re-evaluating my plans for the future with him.

BarbarianMum · 13/10/2018 09:29

Yes no hope for this relationship. Get out.

smallchanceofrain · 13/10/2018 09:29

YANBU and I'm sorry to say he's not a keeper. He's been with you 8 years but he resents you and calls you a parasite? Can you imagine having children with this person? Would he resent being the main breadwinner for a while?
Are there other signs that he wants out of your relationship? If he does it again tell him you're sorry not to be able to afford half, that you don't want to be beholden to him or made to feel like shit, so you're moving out - and LTB - life's too short.

Happygummibear · 13/10/2018 09:30

Nope.... I moved in with my now husband after 6 months of meeting.

I was open about my financial situation ...fast forward 4 years and we still work on an equal division so we both have the same amount of spending money. It has generally been a 60/40 split although now I work part time it's more 70/30.....he loves me and understands and has never made me feel guilty for not putting in as much money l.

To make up for It I generally do more about the house and do any supplier switches.

lottiegarbanzo · 13/10/2018 09:31

That is horrible. And very shortsighted of him - what about when, in future, you earn more than him? (Or does he hold a belief that you won't? Based on what?).

You're a partnership, or you're not. Just imagine the horror of being a SAHM with someone like this. Also consider that you might find yourself in that position unintentionally, as a result of redundancy and that the fact that most jobs are advertised as full-time. The nice PT options that give parents flexibility are usually reserved for long-term, valued staff.

It is quite possible, at your ages and inexperience of independent living, that he is being naive and immature and could change his attitude. Work on that, test that. Don't make the mistake of assuming it will happen.

bringbackthestripes · 13/10/2018 09:43

How can you pay 50/50 when you earn half as much as him? Confused my DH has always earned more than me, even more so when I went part time after DC. In 20 years of marriage it has never been an issue. If this is suddenly an issue for your DP then I would suggest the problem in your relationship is bigger than who puts most into a bank account.

Thisreallyisafarce · 13/10/2018 09:45

Move out. Nobody who calls you a parasite is worth your time.

LellyMcKelly · 13/10/2018 09:46

Leave. That’s not the behaviour of a man who loves or values his partner.

usernamealreadytaken · 13/10/2018 09:48

Do you both go out in your car? Does he pay anything towards it? If you both have the benefit, you should split the costs. Then you can put the extra in to the household pot, or get taxis when you both go out and see how he likes the extra cost...

AmayaBuzzbee · 13/10/2018 09:50

It doesn’t sound like he has much love or respect for you. Please do not waste anymore of your precious life with somebody who despises you. Why would you? Leave as soon as you can, and build yourself a happy life. You are lucky to find out his true nature whilst you are still young. Plenty of time to find a lovely partner who respects you too.

Spreadingcudweed · 13/10/2018 09:55

What did you say when he called you that?

I'm afraid the moment he said the word "parasite" I'd have been packing my bags.

Mutual respect is essential in a relationship. Do not have DC with this man! Run for the hills op, run for the hills!

As well as being unkind/unfair in his outlook, he has also gone back on his word and as such is untrustworthy. You really need to be with someone you trust when you have DC. Sorry you are only discovering this about him now after eight years as that must be very hard but you deserve so much better Flowers.

AmayaBuzzbee · 13/10/2018 09:55

Op, at your age I lived in a great house share with 3 other young professionals. This will be easy to find in and around London, and is affordable for you too. It is sociable and you’ll make new friends.You can be gone within a month. Don’t let anybody treat you like this, start as you mean to go on.

DaphneDiligaf · 13/10/2018 09:56

This is my first - LTB. I generally think its a term thrown round too easily on here but I can see no future for you here.

Prinstress · 13/10/2018 09:58

To call the woman he loves a parasite while you're paying towards everything he is too, maintaining your car and own job, no doubt doing a fair share of housework, is just despicable. First ever LTB, this will only get worse if you stay

Sowhatifidosnore · 13/10/2018 09:59

Time to move on from this relationship. My DW earns 4 times my salary and never in a million years would she throw that in my face. What if you stay with him and have kids and need time off, how much of a parasite would he consider you then. His language is contemptuous, your relationship won’t survive

UpstartCrow · 13/10/2018 09:59

''Until last year, we both lived with our parents''.

Did your parents call him a parasite?
LTnastyB.

Powerbunting · 13/10/2018 10:03

He's called you a parasite in arguments plural? As in so many words?

Get out. Go back to your parents. He is not worth this. He doesn't love and cherish you. And it will only get worse

Normaknowall · 13/10/2018 10:06

Parasites don't pay 40% of the joint account whilst earning a third of the combined income. He should be putting in £1000 to be paying fair shares. If anyone's getting subsidised here it's not you.

And you run the car which presumably he benefits from in doing shopping, visiting parents etc. Without paying petrol contribution?

Who's the parasite, exactly?

Citylivingwithdogs · 13/10/2018 10:06

Leave now while you are young and child free. This will not end well. Can you imagine if you became ill, were on maternity leave etc how you he treat you then?
Pack your bags and go back to your parents.

Prinstress · 13/10/2018 10:08

You don't necessarily need to go back to your parents, house shares are always an option and can be good when having a fresh start for not being too isolated

Forgotmycoat · 13/10/2018 10:32

I bet he didn't think of himself as a parasite when he lived with your family. Did he pay rent to them? Was it a reduced rate? I'm sure you and he couldn't have afforded your own home at that point. Remind him of this. Then dump him. Don't make the mistake of having a baby with this disrespectful man.

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