Ok this is going to be a bit long and thank you to those who read and reply as I felt like every detail was important but just wanted a bit of perspective.
I worked in a foreign country and met an “amazing handsome guy” fell in love bla bla. Eventually I was homesick as it was my first time away by myself for so long, he begged me to stay, I wanted to go home for awhile and think about things but I missed him so much and we kept in contact and he would tell me how much he loved me and he wanted me to come back. Everyone told me not to but I had the fairytale fantasy and thought if I never try, I’ll never know. I packed all my things back up and jumped on a plane.
He never paid for the flight (which didn’t seem an issue at first), he didn’t want to move in with me although his company offered a housing allowance so I rented a room, he travels a lot for work so I knew I’d only see him may 10-12 days a month but I had the same job previously which was how we met so I understood. I could only sign into his company accommodation at certain times and could never stay over (formalities).
I thought he loved me but it just seemed like he was always so tired and I felt so lonely. He was always messaging other women and when I would ask why he would say they’re just friends (these friends would pop up after nights out with the guys) multiple pictures on his phone with multiple girls in very close proximity. He told me he was in a bar and some guy kept hitting on the girl so “they had to pretend they were in a relationship and take that picture”, he *had to take other pictures on other occasions of other women because “he’s phone camera was better quality.” Basically, there were always excuses. It got to the point where he would constantly msg my friend who had moved to that country and tell her how her profile pic looked nice, I thought it was weird but didn’t want to come across crazy so never said a thing until she asked us both to go out for her birthday and started grinding up against him and dirty dancing while I was right there (he didn’t stop it).
The “friend” told me previously I shouldn’t trust him and listed so many reasons. Later I discovered she was msgn him saying she doesn’t think I’m right for him as I’m “too shy” and he’s more “social”. He would never understand my point of view and would laugh at me if I got upset about them constantly msgn or the other random girls and multiple pictures. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore, I moved to Korea I thought I was getting over him until he took leave and came to visit me for a week. Again, he professed his love, said he wanted to stay friends or try long distance. This happened for a year and he would continue going out to nightclubs drinking but would always say how much he missed me and how I should move back.
One night he sent me a WhatsApp msg and says “let’s get married” I said no cz we talked about a propsal before and I obviously thought he was joking (he wasn’t) somehow he convinced me to go to Seychelles without telling anyone and get married (he said it was so romantic). The plan was to move back under the condition we live together and he casually mentions how happy he was to be married as he could only get the housing allowance if you’re married since the company had made cuts. Fast forward 3 months, contraceptive fails, I get pregnant and we both weren’t ready (I was still in Korea). He didn’t seemed bothered but kept saying we couldn’t have a baby and I should get an abortion (he didn’t come with me and I paid for the flights as I couldn’t speak Korean and abortion is prohibited in the other country, the procedure and the hotel) I was at rock bottom. At this stage he hadn’t told anyone we were married and told me not to tell anyone about the pregnancy. I cried so much and told him how he should’ve been there and all I wanted was to fly home and see my family he begged me to come back, apologized profusely, telling me he loved me and how stupid he is for not being there (as he couldn’t get a visa) and how he promises to pamper me when I get back. (That didn’t happen, the next day after I landed back he had a 6 day trip) I was left in our new apartment with no WiFi, no electricity, no furniture. I was miserable, I went to book a hotel and couldn’t wait for him to get back.
We seemed to have the most amazing year and a half of marriage although we still didn’t have wedding rings as I was owing him money when I found my job from him supporting me when I arrived back and was looking for work. Eventually I had enough money and told him I was going to buy the two wedding rings and he persuaded me not to, saying that women seem to flirt with married men more and he doesn’t want to draw them onto him. I thought it was strange and began having suspicions. We were just about to get a mortgage for an apartment and he tells me he thinks he should buy it himself and I live *rent free but continue to pay bills whilst he still receives a huge housing allowance. I mentioned our previous discussion where we would rent the new apartment and split the tenants rent as we would both have half share in the apartment. He said no, I got upset asked him why all our “special moments seemed to turn out crap such as no proposal, no wedding ring, the pregnancy, him trying to hide that we’re married and now the apartment etc” he ended up saying how he’s worried I might decide to move back to Korea and blurts out that he cheated on me before we got married and how he always wanted to tell me but he was so happy and didn’t want to ruin our relationship. For the first time in our 4 year relationship & marriage I asked to look through his phone and I seen multiple msgs to multiple women organizing to meet up whilst I was renting the room the first time I moved over. Msgs where he was organizing nights out or cinema outings when I was in Korea and msgs to his friends where he brags about sleeping with lots of women but how lonely it can get and that he’s in a long distance relationship and wanted me to move back. He then told me that the most recent woman was 10 days before we were married and how sorry he was and how much he hates the woman. I later found out that this was a woman from a WhatsApp group where he used to play tennis with this girl and since I don’t play tennis he would always ask me to remove myself from the group. He kept saying they never met after we got married but the group msgs seem like that’s not the case as they talk about going to play tennis and he replies ok msg me in the morning and we’ll see.
Two months has passed since he told me and I’ve flown home twice during these two months to try and think about things. I honestly feel I can never trust him again, I feel like everyone else knew about the cheating except me as people used to drop hints but I would always change the topic (I really thought he was the most caring, amazing guy) I can’t believe I lived with him for almost 2 years and he hid it from me or I didn’t see any signs, he’s job makes it harder as he’s away for so long staying in hotels and always working with females where he obviously has to talk and socialize and he’s never even met my family as he didn’t apply for eu citizenship after we got married. I kind of feel that he only married me to get the housing allowance and not feel lonely when he’s back from he’s work trips but now I feel like I’m scrutinizing everything I feel like I’m going crazy and for him to tell me that our relationship only counted since the day we got married made me feel so worthless as I would never have moved back the first time.
Aibu to want a divorce? Is he taking me for granted or is he genuinely sorry? Is this a case of once a cheater... always a cheater? Do you think he will ever change?