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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I deserve a lay in over DP?

25 replies

Tillytrotter123 · 12/10/2018 23:31

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable but my DP has just annoyed me. He works away in the week and is only home at weekends. We have a 8 month old baby which means I’m up early everyday and I’m still getting up several times in the night which is to be expected. At the weekends I still get up with her and tonight I asked him if he could get up early to take the baby downstairs so I can catch up on sleep. He said ‘well I need a lay in after working and you can just nap in the day anytime when baby sleeps.’ Ive literally not slept through in months! I just feel like I’m doing it all on my own and he doesn’t appreciate how hard it can be sometimes. Aibu to feel hurt and annoyed?

OP posts:

TulipsInBloom1 · 12/10/2018 23:33

Yanbu at all. Since dc1 arrived dh and I have taken a sat or sun morning each for a lie in.

He is a dick.

Hotpinkangel19 · 12/10/2018 23:35

I'm in exactly the same position OP. 8 month old baby. Husband works away. I'm so tired. So no, YANBU.

Wolfiefan · 12/10/2018 23:37

What an arse. Phone him and wake him every time the baby wakes you?
Or book a weekend away. Leave him the list of jobs that need doing as well as caring for your child. See how he feels on your return?!
Can’t he let you have at least one unbroken night and lie in each week?

mineofuselessinformation · 12/10/2018 23:38

It's easily solved, OP.
You get up with baby. As soon as DP is up, hand baby over and go back to bed. His needs don't trump your own.

gertiethetightsister · 12/10/2018 23:42

Why should OP get up with baby? Op does all the getting up. Work is hard. Work is a very different type of hard to never ever having unbroken sleep.

I say, if he refuses to get up with his own child, book a holiday and bugger off for a few days. To a spa. Where you can relax.

And charge it to his credit card.

If he complains, do it weekly.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/10/2018 23:44

Leave your dp and the baby for a weekend. Perhaps then the self-absorbed twat will finally understand how all-encompassing a baby really is.

YouBetterWORK · 12/10/2018 23:45

YANBU. DH takes DD down in the morning for some daddy time so I can have a snooze or a coffee in bed. If your 8 month old is anything like mine naps are only twice a day and an hour tops. In that hour, I'm usually doing chores then sitting down for a quick coffee and MN before all systems go again. And if she's on me I'm pinned to the sofa, no napping then. "You can sleep when baby sleeps" indeed, if he isn't around during the week he has no idea what the daily routine entails!

It's just a shitty excuse. But ok, in the interests of fairness there are 2 days in the weekend. He can give you 1 morning for a lie in, and if he can't be arsed to do that, he's being a dick.

Original poster

Tillytrotter123 · 12/10/2018 23:47

Thank you for your replies. I just feel completely unappreciated, when he is back I still do 100% of all the household chores too. I think booking a weekend away would definitely shock him. Yes I might get a nap sometimes in the day but a lot of the time I’m out of the house and it certainly doesn’t make up for being woken up multiple times.

OP posts:

Elbbob · 12/10/2018 23:47

I also have an 8mo and am still on mat leave. OH looked after her 2-9pm the other Saturday and the next day told me how exhausted he was and he acknowledged it's harder than working. So no YANBU and perhaps you should let him experience how full on it is looking after a baby. Can you go out for the day?

RonniePickering · 12/10/2018 23:48

YANBU.

“Sleep when baby sleeps” used to make me want to pull my own hair out.

Butterymuffin · 12/10/2018 23:52

I'd stop doing that washing he undoubtedly brings home. You'll be spending that time sleeping when the baby sleeps instead.

Elbbob · 12/10/2018 23:55

Yes that's the thing if you do leave for the day to look after his daughter make sure he knows he also has to - do a load of laundry / wash up / sterilise bottles/ clean bathroom / clean up floor around high chair / put rubbish out etc or whatever tasks you'd be doing that day.

UserName31456789 · 12/10/2018 23:57

YANBU. DH always gave me lie ins both weekend days when DC were babies. If he was tired he could always retire to the sofa bed during the night and get a full night sleep (I was breastfeeding so he couldn't do the night shift). No one ever gets any decent sleep during nap time.

Original poster

Tillytrotter123 · 13/10/2018 00:05

Elbbob, that’s good advice. When he does ever have her to himself all he does is just look after her, none of the other things that need doing. I think it’s just complete laziness which infuriates me, I will go out tomorrow and see how he copes.

OP posts:

scunner · 13/10/2018 00:06

I understand you needing just a few hours in the morning to yourself.
Lack of sleep and early mornings are exhausting. Even if your DP eventually agreed to getting up with the baby, I dont think he would leave you in peace for a couple of hours.
I would just get up as usual with my lovely baby and wouldn’t even mention the subject again. Don’t huff around and compare whose had more sleep. Just move on and don’t let him have that little bit of power over you. I couldn’t go on holiday and leave a baby with an adult who can’t even get out of his pit to help at weekends. Your baby loves you unconditionally and despite how shattered you feel, enjoy that first cuddle of the day.

Notthemessiah · 13/10/2018 00:25

One lie-in each would seem fair to me.

BetsyBigNose · 13/10/2018 00:28

YANBU. You need a break and he needs to spend some one on one time with his daughter.

From when DD1 3 was around weeks old, DH would get up when she woke on a Saturday morning, bring her in to me for a feed then I'd go back to sleep and they wouldn't reappear until she needed her next feed. I used the time to sleep, and as time went on and I was getting more sleep during the rest of the week, I'd have a bath and catch up on some reading or TV. When we had DD2, DH would deal with both of them.

Saturday mornings in our house are 'Daddy Time', even now and our daughters are 9 and 11. Over the years they have spent thousands of hours in parks, cafes, charity shops and various 'coffee & cake mornings' in Church halls and the like. Initially, DH hadn't been 'in charge' of DD1 on his own before, so it gave him a gentle push to spend time with her on his own. It really boosted his confidence with them and helped him to form really strong Daddy-daughter bonds. Plus I felt appreciated, got the extra bit of sleep I craved and got a bit of time to myself, which makes DH's life better, cos as he says; "Happy wife: happy life!"

If you can brand one weekend day morning "Daddy and DD Time" and get him to buy into it (It'll be great bonding time for you! She'll really appreciate it as she gets older! She'll look forward to spending this special time with you! You'll enjoy it! etc.) then you're winning! Good luck OP xx

BetsyBigNose · 13/10/2018 00:30

From when DD1 was around 3 weeks old, sorry!

Purpleartichoke · 13/10/2018 00:54

He is getting uninterrupted sleep all week. The very least he could do is let you sleep in on the weekends.

DoJo · 13/10/2018 01:01

scunner

Surrey if I've misunderstood- are you agreeing that tiredness is overwhelming but also suggesting that the OP just continues as she is and never asks her husband to get up with their child again?

Ellapaella · 13/10/2018 09:34

YANBU op - take it in turns for lie ins on the weekend. I've 3 DC and work part time, getting up and going to work is way easier and less stressful than being at home with the baby (imo).
He needs to step up and help you out, it's his child too and parenting is team work.

Ryderryder · 13/10/2018 09:48

Yanbu

Homemenu1 · 13/10/2018 09:51

He’s a selfish git and takes you for granted,

All this sleep when the baby sleeps is rubbish, your body is tired in the morning not in the afternoon when it can be quite hard to get back to sleep.
Have a chat with him and explain how you are feeling hopefully he will help a bit

MynameisJune · 13/10/2018 10:04

Don’t listen to scunner at all, absolving your DH from parenting isn’t the right way to go. He needs to learn to deal with his DD.

DH works away as well, he has always done the majority of the household chores when he comes home and takes DD to let me have a lie in even though DD is nearly 3 and gets up at 6:30am. He does this because he knows that it’s hard work parenting alone all week. He has done it since she was little.

userabcname · 13/10/2018 10:16

Yanbu. I always got at least one of the weekend lie ins (if not both) when I was on mat leave. I did the majority of night wake ups. I still do (16mo still doesn't sleep through and only really settles for me) so now I get both lie ins. You should definitely get one each and your partner needs to step his shit up. What happens when you go back to work? Babies don't magically start sleeping well and entertaining themselves for hours so you can sleep and catch up on housework at the weekend when you've both been at work all week. He's being selfish and stupid.

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