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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a curfew?

26 replies

Notss · 12/10/2018 21:59

So...

My friend’s son is staying with me for about 3 weeks.

To give some background I met this woman ten years ago; and about three years ago she evicted for not paying rent. Since then she’s been moving around various friends houses around the country; and has recently ended up back up here.

The thing is, the friend she is currently with has a house full of her own children; including one with SN; and so her condition was that only my friend could stay there... her adult (20) DS had to find other arrangements.

So she begs me to let her son stay just for a few weeks and I reluctantly agree. He’s sleeping on the couch and is supposed moving to somewhere permanently at the end of the month.

The thing is my friend has been moaning at me to give him a key, but I really don’t want to do so. It’s not that I don’t trust him, but he’s been in with the wrong crowd before and I know there has been drug use... I just don’t feel comfortable knowing a key to my house was in that world.

While the son lives here, he is rent free; has full use of facilities and gets a portion of whatever I cook for the household.

Am I being unreasonable to say that once it gets to half ten, the front door is locked and whatever side he is on, he stays on until morning?

OP posts:
HappenedForAReisling · 12/10/2018 22:01

Not unreasonable at all. I hate the cliche "your house, your rules" but it's true. I wouldn't want to give a key out either, nor would I want to have to wait up for him to come home.

StoneofDestiny · 12/10/2018 23:09

Totally agree with your approach. No way would I give out my key, but I'd be wary of the whole arrangement given what you say about the company he keeps.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 12/10/2018 23:19

Not U. But you need to think about what would work. So best scenario is that you don't impose your rules, but come up with them together (with you keeping in mind your own 'lines in the sand').

But no, don't give him a key unless you're comfortable with it.

buscaution · 12/10/2018 23:24

Yes it is unreasonable to treat a 20 year old like a child.

I understand your worries, but in that situation you should have said no.

Expecting a 20year old to be home by 10.30pm is a joke.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 12/10/2018 23:26

If he wants free board and lodging he knows to be home before the door is locked. He’s in no position to decide if it’s a joke or otherwise.

UserName31456789 · 12/10/2018 23:33

I was ready to say YABU but in the situation I think you're being fair. It's not that you're actually insisting he comes in at 10:30 you're just saying it's 10:30 or he stays out for the night. Does he not have any of his own friends he could stay with - as an adult his accommodation doesn't have to be linked to his mum surely?

mineofuselessinformation · 12/10/2018 23:42

YANBU at all. If he wants to stay out later, at 20 he should be able to arrange to stay over at a friends.

Dollymixture22 · 12/10/2018 23:58

Do you feel comfortable having him in your home?

I do t think you are being unreasonable giving him a curfew. If it’s a problem, he is adult he should be able to make his own arrangements.

Does he work? It’s sad they haven’t been able to find a permanent home and have had to rely on the good will of others.

starzig · 13/10/2018 00:10

If he doesn't like your rules he is an adult and free to sort alternative accommodation

Bimgy85 · 13/10/2018 00:13

Yanbu

It's your house and if it's lights out at half ten doors locked then it's tough luck

If he has a problem he needs to find elsewhere

IHaveBrilloHair · 13/10/2018 00:15

If you are worried about what type of person he is, and your post suggests you are, then why are you letting him stay at all?
As for the curfew, yes, I think YABU.
He's an adult.

ProfessionallyUnoffended · 13/10/2018 00:22

I agree with your approach, OP, and think you are very kind to help out. I hope you are appreciated.

Bimgy85 · 13/10/2018 00:29

I don't think some of you understand what OP is saying. She doesn't want to control what time a 20 year old stays out until. But as far as she is concerned her house is locked up at half ten and she's not cutting an extra key for him so there is no other option. It's 'if you wanna stay here you better get here before 10.30'

Which is completely fair enough imo

buscaution · 13/10/2018 00:33

Presumably he is there as he has nowhere else so the suggestion that he stays elsewhere if he isn’t home by 10.30pm doesn’t quite work.

I do think it’s unfair to expect an adult to be home by 10.30pm, however as I said before, I don’t think you should ave allowed him to stay in the first place. House rules are all good and well, but a curfew for a grown adult is a bit much.

Dollymixture22 · 13/10/2018 00:39

I know this sounds harsh but maybe this will be kick up the arse he needs to sort out accommodation. It’s not clear from the post why he can’t get somewhere to live, or of he is working. If he can go out and about in the evening then I it seems he is capable of managing socially,

Purpleartichoke · 13/10/2018 01:10

It would only my be unreasonable if it impacted his employment. Unless he is working nights, he can be in at a reasonable hour. If it were my house it would be earlier because I go to bed earlier.

justilou1 · 13/10/2018 01:27

Your house - Your rules. The more comfortable he is, the more likely he is to take advantage of the situation. Also, it is probably good for him to see how healthy families live. Ten years in unstable environments won’t have given him very good boundaries anyway.

DownAndUnder · 13/10/2018 01:48

If you’re living with someone rent free you do as you’re told. You’re being very kind as it is, I hope he is gone in 3 weeks!

Original poster
Notss · 13/10/2018 08:47

Hi everyone!

Thanks for your replies... maybe curfew is the wrong word. I’m not saything that he MUST be in for 22:30; I’m saying that since we have to all be up for work/school that is the time we lock the front door and turn off the lights. If we’re asleep we can’t answer the door to let him in.

I must admit I did worry I was treating him like a child, in my mind it’s hard to think of him as an adult. The last time I saw him he was 15; and he really hasn’t matured at all. It’s like having another teenager in the house - a well behaved one, but still like a teenager if you get what I mean? I have to stop myself “parenting” him at times!

I’m comfortable having him in the house, but not any of his “friends” that I don’t know. He doesn’t work; he never has. Before he was here he was sleeping in a shared house that was not fit for human habitation - needles everywhere, filthy, god knows what plastered on the walls - I’m sure you can imagine. It was that that made me say yes really - I couldn’t stomach the thought of leaving him there.

OP posts:
LemonSqueezy0 · 13/10/2018 08:54

Not unreasonable at all.

All the PPs saying 'treat him as an adult' are missing the point that the Op is doing him a massive favour and as an adult he could reasonably be expected to work, arrange his own accommodations and/or respect the rules of where he was staying. Has he actually complained about the be in or stay out rule?

If it were me I'd make sure to mention fairly regularly the expiration date of the favour, so he and his mother are aware this isn't a long term solution and you will be sticking to your original offer for his length of stay. No need to have his own key for a matter of weeks...

Fredthefrog · 13/10/2018 08:55

I think you are doing a kind thing and are being clear with expectations. He may be an adult but isn't really acting like one - no job, mum sorting his home out so stick to your guns. Maybe being treated like a child will help him.

MakeAHouseAHome · 13/10/2018 08:59

YANBU!! You are being incredibly generous letting him stay at all (with what you have said about his background and friends I certainly wouldn't let him stay!) So ye, in by 10.30 or he stays out the whole night is totally more than fair.

Original poster
Notss · 13/10/2018 08:59

Just to answer - he hasn’t yet complained about the rule; and has stuck to it. Even it often just barely; but his mum has said a couple of times “why don’t you just give him a key?”

OP posts:
woolduvet · 13/10/2018 09:09

Completely right
If he was paying board and doing jobs then I'd treat him like an adult and give him a key, also possibly if I'd actually invited him to stay in the first place.

FrancisCrawford · 13/10/2018 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.