Daughter behaviour

[jamesmcgill]

I posted in parenting but no response so trying here for traffic hopefully not a flaming

Have name changed as could be outing!

Am looking for advise on how best to deal with my dd5.

She is very confident and outgoing but she think she is my equal rather than she should do as she is asked.

She is the class clown at any given opportunity and is always being very silly. There have been a few always something incidents that has made me realise I need to get her to listen now rather than leave her to her own devices. That said she has alway been told no etc and given consequences but she doesn't seem to care.

So she is a bit mean with her words with her friends and can sometimes not be very kind. We have addressed this and it seems to have worked. She is still god awful to her sibling, who to be fair gives as good back but they constantly fight.

She doesn't listen if out and about for instance she will run off, down aisles in shops, picking stuff up when told not to, she ran away from me on a walk and straight into car park without stopping, but burst into tears as soon as caught up cos she knew she was in trouble.

We've just returned from another hospital trip as she stuck something so far up her nose she narrowly escaped surgery to remove it.

It just silly stupid stuff all the time and she is disciplined exactly the same as her older sibling who isn't like this at all.

I could understand her behaviour if she wasn't told right from wrong or had no interaction with her/us but she does. We read, play games, do hair, drawings etc go out, lots of holiday etc

I am just at a point where I don't know what to do because nothing works, I've removed toys and days out and sweets and we've had naught step and reward charts for good behaviour, I've tried ignoring the silly/bad behaviour and praising the good nothing works, nothing.

I just don't know what to do now to help her understand she has to listen and do as she is asked for her own good as well as everyone else's.

She isn't like this all the time at school but does have her 'moments'.

She is 5 you say?

There must be SOMETHING she would miss. What does she do with herself when toys are removed? How long are they removed for?

So you keep to your word? i.e if you say" you can;t have x for 2 days" do you actually remove it for two days?

if things aren't her thing, then removal of activities/visiting places etc?

How long have you tried these strategies for and how consistent are you about putting them in place?

Have you spoken to her about why she is behaving like this, and the impact on the family it is having?

What’s her favourite thing in all the world, be it a toy, an activity, a tv programme?

Warn her she is having it taken away for x length of time, or she can’t go to y activity this week and you will tell the leader why, or she can’t watch x tv programme.

And do it.

Follow through

How much time is spent telling her off as opposed to not?

You might need to reframe your interactions. Be more positive, tell her what she should do and maybe introduce reward charts to really reinforce good behaviour. When you do praise, make it incredibly specific as opposed to “good girl” - eg you listened really well, you walked next to me nicely. Ignore some of the low level behaviour as opposed to going in and telling off.

Things likethe supermarket etc - give her jobs. Mine used to have their own list and we did it together.

This is the age I found where I had to adjust behaviour management because they weren’t toddlers anymore and discovered independence and free will.

Have you asked her why she’s behaving the way she does?

Bugger ignoring the bad behaviour by the way.

If she is sticking stuff up her nose, then tell her only babies do that and therefore she’s a baby and can’t have any big girl toys and take them all away. Everything with small bits and all the colouring pens because babies don’t get those because they can’t behave with them and put them up their noses and might draw all over the place.

Oh? You’re bored? Shame. But I have to keep you safe and you’re being a baby. So.

And She will tantrum. And let her. And put her to her room and then have more stern chats until she gets it. And she will.

Having said all that, I ended up in A&E when one of mine was 12 because they stuck a straw up their nose and got a nose bleed.

My DS2 has a personality like this. He’s calmed down a small but now at age 7. He’s a lot of fun and makes us laugh a lot - also makes us a bit annoyed as he is not the easiest to control. I find distraction works best - like chatting to him about a topic he loves in the supermarket so he won’t be messing with the things on the shelves.

Sounds like she have difficulty with impulse control. In which case long, drawn out punishments arent going to work. Try immediate consequences (ran off so must now hold hand for rest walk), avoid opportunities for trouble (no shopping when tired/hungry), lots of positive direction (can you get the bread/find the eggs/do this for me), tonnes of exercise and lots of praise when she does something right (even for 5 min, dont wait for her to behave for an hour before you praise her).

Thank you for all your responses.
Impulsive is the absolute best way to describe her I just couldn't find the word.

We do stick to our word and carry out consequences she just never bothers it doesn't seem to have any effect at all.

I'll try the immediate response and see how she goes.

Thank you all

My dad is a child therapist so I often ask him for advice when my children are having issues/driving me mad. I had problems with my ds5 outbursts of aggression and spitting. My dad told me to immediately praise good behaviour no matter how trivial and simple it sounded eg - bouncing on trampoline with another child without tripping them up and I’d say ‘ well done thank you for playing nicely with x, that’s great behaviour’ . Lots of positive reinforcement. Bad behaviour remove from situation say firmly ‘ I’m taking you away because your not playing in acceptable way ‘ have no further conversation about the behaviour. But I would bring it up again a little bit at bath time and he would always say sorry and his behaviour did change, thank god ! No shouting and consistency can work wonders , good luck x

Have you tried rewarding positive behaviour?
A star chart where you both agree what's expected and they work towards a treat/reward? My DD was challenging at that age and the chart did really work well.

You need to plan ahead. So shopping for example, give her your list so she can tick them off, if she can count up to 10 she can help get apples etc in the bag. If she struggles with words etc, you can get an image off the internet for what you want and put that on the list for her to tick. Talk to her why you are buying these things (eg we need eggs for a cake and for scrambled egg for breakfast).

Out and about I used to play a game of "spot the cat" or "how many red front doors in this road" etc. If she wants to run ahead you can tell her to run to the lamp-post and wait so she has a bit of independence. If she doesn't obey, she must hold your hand/buggy for X minutes. I've counted steps to the next lamppost with them, sang "Grand old Duke of York" to get them to march, recite alphabet/days of the week, how many hops can you do from here to next road?

The nose thing - did she say why? Was it curiosity? Sensory? Boredom? Kids have always done daft things whilst trying to find out about their immediate surroundings, so think this can be normal exploration.

I’m not offering any advice, just sympathy and empathy. The advice here may be useful. But sometimes it doesn’t work. And people feel that if it worked for them it should work for you, and if it doesn’t maybe you are doing something wrong. But sometimes it is mainly about the child and not the parenting. Which can feel hopeless. But your task is to find the right kind of parenting to match your child’s needs and temperament. It might not fix everything. But it may make things better. As can time and maturity.

I am currently looking into classes for parenting children with ADHD. Not saying this is relevant for you, just expressing how weary I sometimes feel when I sense people judging and offering advice and they just...don’t...get...it...