pnd is it me?

[PNDHELL365]

Long story short (NC just in case) I had a really traumatic pregnancy due to DF acting a bit of a twat and his EW doing her best to cause problems.

Birth was especially traumatic and not what I wanted at all. Planned a home birth and ended up nearly having to have an involuntary c-section. Thankfully baby was well and happy.

EW then caused tension and problems in relation to SC meeting my DC along with typical issues she usually causes. That plus the stress of trying to establish BF and partner only managing a week off plus incredibly long work hours for him. Plus a hobby which took what little free time he had away. Including me then having to take on the care and work of looking after his DC when we do have them. (I do all the cooking/cleaning/washing/organising plans)

Then wedding planning, again being held up by EW being difficult.

I have ended up incredibly down and having a breakdown. I am on medication and getting good help from people and the mental health team. My DC is my world, nothing is ever aimed at her and I adore her and look after her fully. If anything I am too clingy with her. But this has opened up a whole load of old feelings that I had tried to hide during my pregnancy. Especially aimed at my DF and what he done to me during that period and his lack of care/want to talk about it at the time or support me through it.

He is a brilliant Dad to her, but again doesn't even know how to clean her bottles! Nor has he really done much alone with her. The one time I left him alone with the SC and my DC I came home to the place a bit of a tip, kids acting how they shouldn't be and a very frazzled DF trying to cook dinner, which I then had to clean up, along with the few hours worth of mess that hadn't been touched.

When I get upset and try and talk to my DF he shuts down, won't talk, threatens me with things (not physically more emotional), makes me question myself, makes me feel wrong for being upset, or makes comments about taking my medicaiton (when he knows I have) . When I get annoyed at these comments he claims he was only trying to be helpful as he thought I forgot.

I must admit I have been difficult. I am hard on him if Ii ever see signs he is the same as he was. I panic and get scared and assume the worst. He has had to chase me down the road when I have broken down as I had to get away. And he has had to take a blade off me where I cut. All behaviour Ii know is unacceptable but I'm just so broken and Ii don't know what to do.

Am I completely at fault here? Am I just seeing problems because I'm depressed? He has given up his hobby to be home with me more, something he loves, so he must care and want to change. And in better times I can see he's trying.

I just don't know what to think anymore. Am I the problem? I have asked us to both go and talk to someone to help work through this. I want the best for my DC.

Please?

No it's not all you. He may be a "brilliant dad" but if he can't do the practical things like clean bottles, or look after SC and DC and cook dinner, then he's not as brilliant as you!

Sounds like you both have a lot on your plate - you dealing with MH issues that are in no way your fault, and DH having to cope with the problems that your issues cause you - and that's before EW causes problems.

You want the best for your DC - but you also deserve the best for you, your DH, and your relationship.

He's not a good dad if he doesn't take on any of the practical work of looking after his own DC. My DH works long hours but helps in the evening and at the weekend with the cooking, cleaning and childcare and I'm a SAHM.

If he's threatening you and making you question yourself it sounds like he's being emotionally abusive.

The hard part is figuring out what that is.

I do appreciate he has a lot on his plate. I do my best to support him with it all/court for the kids. And it must be stressful dealing with me lately. Especially having past mistakes thrown in your face when you are trying to change. I just wish he would offer me some support. I tell him in black and white what would help me and it just seems to be turned into me being difficult.

I'm really not trying to be. I'm just lost.

Oh and he doesn't threaten me directly. Just tells me that if I left him he would kill himself. I know that isn't my responsibility but obviously I don't want him to hurt himself or for my DC to grow up without a dad.

Do you want to leave him? If so, you can't stay just because he's telling you he can't cope with life if you go.

If you're getting treatment for your PND, it may not be the best time to make a decision over your future, which you might regret later. On the other hand, it may be exactly the right time.

That's the question I ask myself. I love him, but I'm not happy and I'm hurting over the past. Whether that is something I'm finding hard to let go of because of the pnd or that is part of the cause I don't know.

I do blame his actions during pregnancy and ex wife drama as part of the cause of my pnd. I know the bad birth has a part to play as well. But honestly its been hell. The only light I see lately is my DC. I just don't know which route to take to bring me back on the path to happiness.

Every day I'm finding it harder to live. The only happiness I feel is around my little one. Even that is tinged now with that they would be better off without me as well.
To top it all off I have to play the perfect, happy stepmom this weekend and all I want to do is be alone with my DC. I love the kids but I cant cope with a weekend of pretending and noise/work/stress.

Rightly ot wrongly I asked him to go to his families this weekend as I couldn't cope and had nowhere else to go, but he refused. Which I can see where he is coming from asit is their home too. I just need space to breathe

Not to mention anytime we have them I'm so anxious over what drama will come once we drop them home. I'm just so mentally tired of my life. I never thought it would all be so hard. The only thing that is easy is my DC. When they smile at me I melt and feel so guilty for wanting to die. I want to be what they deserve.

I imagine he's worried about leaving you alone as well, if you've a history of self harm and are still struggling with your mental health, it may not seem like a good idea for you to be alone, it's hard to explain to him in a nice way that he's a hindrance rather than a help to you at the moment.
He is putting far too much on you atm though, you shouldn't be expected to do everything for your child and him and his children, you must be exhausted, you need energy to battle depression.

That's what I keep trying to tell him. He just doesnt get it. Or will say he will do xyz in future, it may happen for a day or two and then things are back to the same again.

He isn't worried about leaving me alone, he knows my parents would come round if they needed to and he also knows I would never do anything that could put our child at risk. Despite him saying otherwise in anger at times.

He just feels (rightly) it is his home so he will be here if he wants. I just wish he would give me this one ounce of space. I really am dreading this weekend. I just can't cope with it. Nor will I be able to just pop out or anything as I'm too anxious to be out alone lately. And on the rare time I've managed a walk with the baby hes invited himself and the sc along. Which is sweet, but leaves me suffocated. And makes me feel awful I want to be away from them all. I never show it. I do genuinely love them all. I'm just exhausted and scared.

If I try and voice it all with my DF he under plays it or mocks me. Or the rare time he claims to understand it changes nothing.
I feel like I'm drowning and I'm just so confused.

I feel bitter and resentful. Hurt and broken. Scared and confused. I just don't know which way is up anymore. All I know is I love my DC and I would do anything for them to have the best life. And sometimes that view means I'm not in it.

He has all the hallmarks of an emotional abuser-telling you he'd kill himself if you left is a classic red flag

I think he just means that it would be too hard to go through another relationship breakdown where there was kids involved. I assume hes scared I would become like his ex and affect his time with his DC again. That caused him a lot of pain. I do reasure him I wouldn't do that, for my DC sake more than anything. And that it would be selfish of him to put the kids through losing a parent that way for purely selfish reasons. But I guess he cant takethat part seriously with me when he knows I feel suicidal myself. But I would never act on it the whole time inknow it's best for my DC I'm here. I'd never want to hurt them.

It all came to a head when he got in from work. He admitted he feels terrible guilt and regret for the way he treated me during pregnancy. But then made out some stuff I KNOW happened, didn't. That I was making it up (despite me having proof and other back up it did).

Then I said again to please go out or something this weekend as I am in a bad way and need space. He wouldn't. Then I asked at a minimum he needed to at least parent his kids and that I wouldn't have things like the TV being taken over completely the whole time etc as it isn't fair on my DC. And is draining as all they do is argue on it and then its left to me to resolve. He claimed he did parent them. He thinks putting them to bed in enough. That's all he does. The rest is down to me. I just need some time off from being a nanny and a bloody servant. I cant take this anymore. I was even expected to do all the running around and cleaning up straight after birth. Even when we finally moved to bottleskt took hom weeks to do a proper night with DC. As he was tired. Despite knowing I had months of sitting up all night with a bad reflux constantly feeding baby. And when we had his DC it was still me having to get back up and put them to bed again or calm them down as theyd be going nuts. Even when I was a few weeks off of popping DC out it was me.on my hands and knees scrubbing puke out our carpet from his kid. While he wanted to go for a smoke.
I cant take another weekend of work. I haven't stopped since having DC and only recently started getting sleep again. I'm so exhausted.

Could you treat them to a day out? Something not particularly expensive but that last a while? You can get tickets for Alton towers and other theme parks on eBay, depends where you are with money though. Or pack them a picnic and send them off to the park. Anything that looks like you're treating them that will get them out the house!
He's being unfairly stubborn refusing to give you space. It may not be nice to be told that your partner needs some space from you but doesn't he understand that he can't force you to not need space?

I have offered already! I haven't much money and what I can offer wouldn't be of interest. Very frustrating.

I must admit I feel a tiny bit better around the kids than I thought I would. They are very sweet. I've disconnected work wise from my DF though. You can tell he's in a fluster trying to cover all that needs doing work wise with them.

Last night me and the baby were kept up because he hadn't planned things correctly