To be growing resentful of how different we are

[Wifewithballs]

I will try to be quick. DH is 47, I’m 36. I’ve always been very career driven and been able to earn good money. DH is a more laid back person, happy with the minimum he has as extra effort is, well... extra. I have been earning more and putting in more for years. He was contributing well as well but has always been unhappy about his jobs, moaning he wanted to do something with his life, like start a business etc. But it never went further than his 9 to 5 and underlying unhappiness waiting for the weekend every week. Thing is I was ok with it, I was taking him for who he is and we were very comfortable.

It turned out that now I’m earning much less than what I used to. Still, happy in my job and am carving out a new career.

DH decided that it was his last chance to jump ship and change his life too. He left his job (with my support) and is studying towards his next move. He figured he could spend some time falling back on his savings while he’s figuring out what to do but now our joint monthly finances cover the minimum. Ie our next holiday will have to come out of my bonus, if I have one. Again, i am cool with it as I saw how much he was hating his job and am now hoping things will change for him. I know it’s not easy.

But there’s still no drive in him. He is now saying he is worried, he is not sure if he is doing the right thing etc. I am getting a bit fed up with it to be honest and I am finding it hard to hide my emotions. Also knowing him I worry that his current minimal financial contribution will become permanent as he will see that we are coping and that I am continuing to pull my weight. As I have always done.

Anyone?

It sounds like you are very different people and at 47, I think he is going to find it hard to change. I think you need to be really honest with him and express your concerns, as you have done in your post. You can say it in a caring way, without sounding negative, while also getting your point across. I certainly wouldn't be happy subsidising another person long term so it's totally understandable you feel the way you do. But I think if you don't say anything to him you are going to end up resenting him.

Admittedly mine had even less drive than that but... I divorced him. Now married to highly successful and hardworking man. I find his competence and willingness to take on responsibility very sexy after living with the opposite for so long.

Sorry, not massively helpful but I was massively resentful of ex-H by the end, despite knowing he was like that when we married. I thought he would step up, but he didn't. In any area of life

I don't think he's going to change, is he? Time for a serious talk about the future. Do you have children?

Storm4star,

I am aware that he won't change and have always been. DH has always been my emotional rock and the chilled buddy I sometimes need to feel counter balanced, if you know what I mean. But now I am starting to feel like the rock is melting into a weight that is starting to drag me down, emotionally.

Lawrence22,

Yes, I am not feeling sexually attracted to him at the moment.

ChateauRouge,

He will say here i am, take it or leave it... he always says "i just want to be happy in life and I don't need a lot for that".

We don't have kids

He's happy to be a passenger isn't he? Either you can live like that, or you can't. Maybe his good points outweigh his bad ones, but only you can make that call.

I know a guy that I sort of envy but not really as he is 35, has a wife, two kids, a house and a boat and says he is done - he has accomplished everything in life he has ever set out to do and feels no pressure to ever do anything more. His wife is frustrated as she feels they are just starting their lives and now he says he's complete and therefore done. I'm jealous because I don't think I can ever just be happy with what I have/I have done - I always am driven for more, but he sure seems happy so who s to say he is wrong?

It's difficult, but you are only 36. I'm nearly 50 and recently I have become more like your DH, in that I'm happy enough as I am and not striving to get further. But you have a lot more years ahead of you. I think if it is (or gets to) the point where you are seriously considering ending the marriage then definitely express to him first all your concerns. If he realises the marriage is at risk he may step up. Either way you'd know exactly where you stand.

He may be happy and content as he is but the problem is he is where he is with my support. I am feeling responsibility now to maintain my level of earning and to work hard towards raising it if we want to be comfortable beyond the basic.

And he doesn't seem to realise this as I am the one managing our joint finances.

Have you sat down and talked through finances with him. Saying if this isn't the road for him then lets not deplete our savings more with a waste of time.
Career counselling isn't just for teenagers! Google careershifters. He needs to decide what he wants, or at least a plan so it doesn't negatively impact on what you want. But you need to sit down and say he needs to do this, or he needs to go back to his old job.