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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how you deal with workplace affairs

12 replies

LittleLionMansMummy · 12/10/2018 09:01

Bit of a weird one this.

I work in a small organisation and quite closely with two individuals as our roles are very closely linked. Both are married to other people, he has 3 children with his wife and she has 2 step children. I've known something has been going on for a while, but I'm fairly certain only one other close colleague knows - I don't believe it's common knowledge and I haven't told a sole. It's not my business, I'm not a gossip, though I am quite judgey about it secretly and feel very sorry for his wife and kids. Nonetheless ordinarily I'd think just let them get on with it, it's nothing to do with me.

Anyway, the reason I'm posting is because their behaviour is becoming increasingly unprofessional and it's beginning to impact on me, and other colleagues, but I don't know what, if anything, I can do about it.

As I work closely with them both, we naturally have a lot of meetings together. I more often than not feel like a third wheel, or else I'm excluded and they 'meet' without me which has an impact on my ability to do my work. Their emotions are all over the place. They're either following each other around furtively, having whispered conversations, or in foul moods and avoiding each other, generally acting negatively (things like not participating in meetings, sitting there quietly with faces like slapped arses, when they're both quite senior and the business relies on them contributing to its smooth running by participating in meetings.

I no longer trust that I can have a professional conversation with one of them without it getting back to the other - and neither can other colleagues, but they're continuing to discuss performance issues with each of them, not knowing it's getting back to the other one. The man involved seems to be deliberately trying to elevate her position in the organisation at the expense of others (the organisation is going through a period of change where people are jostling for positions). She is in competition with me for resources, so this has a direct impact on me as I keep seeing additional resources going in her direction on the basis of the support he's given her.

Neither of them knows I know. I think they believe they're being discreet, but their behaviour is becoming increasingly erratic and they're becoming less and less trustworthy professionally. For context, I've got on well with both of them - personally and professionally - until now, but I'm increasingly looking over my shoulder. It's all very uncomfortable. She's on a similar level to me but he's in a slightly more senior position.

Wibu to let them know that I know and tell them it's very unprofessional? If they're crossing professional lines, would I be justified to raise it at a higher level? Or should I just let it all unravel and play out?

Unusually, I have never experienced this kind of thing before.

OP posts:
AuntBeastie · 12/10/2018 09:03

As it’s impacting you professionally you would be within your rights to take it to someone higher up. If you don’t have proof that they’re having an affair don’t accuse them of this - just factually outline the behaviour that is causing difficulties.

NonaGrey · 12/10/2018 09:07

Just go quietly to HR.

MsVestibule · 12/10/2018 09:09

Do you have a mutual boss? In your situation, I think I would discuss the impact their relationship is having on the business with your manager. By 'relationship', I don't mean you have to say 'X and Y are having an affair', just explain what you've told us ^^ and I'm sure he or she will put two and two together.

It's a really tricky one. It makes me laugh that people think they're being so discreet - I bet your whole department knows, just nobody is talking about it to each other!!

LittleLionMansMummy · 12/10/2018 09:09

@NonaGrey the HR dept consists of one person and is herself the subject of much disdain among colleagues, not because she's having an affair but because she's incompetent.

OP posts:
LittleLionMansMummy · 12/10/2018 09:11

@MsVestibule The CEO is line manager to both of us, so that could work.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 12/10/2018 09:12

Take it up with the person who is above them in the chain of command. Tell them exactly what is going on. Then they can deal with it.

sonjadog · 12/10/2018 09:13

I did that in a similar situation in my work. Sorted the whole problem out. I guess it depends on the boss though. Mine was very good.

greendale17 · 12/10/2018 09:14

I would report it to senior management

MumW · 12/10/2018 09:15

I agree, take the professional grievances above them with any evidence you have. I'd not mention the affair but if it is suggested to you, then you might say something like, "well I don't know but that might explain a lot"

Workplace politics, Grrrrrr.

Daisymay2 · 12/10/2018 11:14

Do you have an HR department? I would discuss the impact their behaviour is having on the organisation. Unless you have proof about an affair don't mention it directly. I have seen something similar, when confidential information was shared, .they thought they were being discrete but many senior people seemed to be aware. One person was moved.

NonaGrey · 12/10/2018 11:19

If HR are in effective then I agree with others, quietly take it to senior management.

You will need to be prepared with a list of specific problems eg breaches of confidentiality, misallocation of resources etc. Measurable negative consequences rather than just “it makes me uncomfortable”.

SnipSnipMisterBurgess · 12/10/2018 11:20

I think you should have a conversation with the CEO in a nuanced way. Workplace relationship impacting on your ability to do your job. If you drop in that their professional closeness excludes you, that you feel x’s attention to y’s work causes you to be overlooked, that it is apparent work issues are being discussed one to one without you, that there are occasional tensions between them that impact on you, you can say-not-say a lot while staying professional yourself.

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