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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To throw in the towel?

22 replies

RayneDash · 12/10/2018 08:11

Name changed.

I think I've finally had enough of my relationship. It's been a constant battle for a year and the slightest thing sets him on edge. For example I get called a slg and a btch whenever we argue.

I'm quite shy so the last massive argument was when we were at a charity event. I waved to his sister but didn't go over as everyone was sitting around huge tables and no room so sat in corner. He's lost his driving licence so I regularly commute a 2 hour round trip to get DSKids every week and we had gone there. An hour in he called me stuck up and saying he was forced to stay in corner with me. I was watching boxing quite happily and said no you don't but after name calling I had finally had enough and said "if it weren't for me we would even BE here" and told him I was leaving and taking my kids (as his family were there.)

He follows me to car and demands I take his kids home. I say fine as wouldn't leave them stranded if his family wouldn't do it. He then proceeds to tell his kids (8 and 12) loudly not to bother telling off my kids (6 and 10) because I don't tell them off (lies) and told his daughter right infront of me that I didn't care. Not wanting to be petty I didn't want to rise to it but after saying to her my silence said everything I told her she was more than welcome at my house. I end up going home with him as he refuses to get out of the car but declares he has left me. Oh I'm also 10 weeks pregnant with his child at that point. That's just one example.

So the other day I asked him to stop smoking weed in the house as it's disgusting and he said he wouldn't. Last night was really aloof with me and snuck out in my work car while I was asleep (heard him on way back in) and I came down stairs and said "what's going on?" Then smelled the weed and said " Oh.. nice." He then spat at me to shut up. I went to the loo and sat there thinking drugs are always going to be more important so I came back in and said "I can't do this anymore. You gave me your word you wouldn't buy anymore." (Hes got no money so obviously in debt now) he spat at me "Yeah fine whatever we can split up then." And slept on couch.

AIBU to think that me and his unborn baby will never be number 1? He's normally a heart of gold but when he gets like this I feel like I don't know him. AIBU to walk away?

I've been keeping this to myself for so long and every argument I feel like the bad guy as he spins it around that I'm selfish and a crap gf. (I know not much but every day I've drove to his work with lunch cos I know he didn't have any) and I pick up his kids every week so he can see them even when I was suffering with bad ms.

I'm hoping I'll get honest opinions whether I want to hear them or not x

OP posts:

Aprilislonggone · 12/10/2018 08:13

You really need to ask op? There is no earthly reason to stay in this relationship. He is an abusive twat of the highest degree.
Who's house do you live in? If it's yours he needs to leave today.

Original poster

RayneDash · 12/10/2018 08:14

Thanks @April I suppose I just needed someone from the outside to tell me what I don't want to see. I can't just keep praying that today will be a good day.

OP posts:

AuntBeastie · 12/10/2018 08:16

He doesn’t have a heart of gold, OP. He’s an abusive shit who sometimes manages to put on a good show. Please don’t stay in this awful relationship.

RestingBitchFaced · 12/10/2018 08:23

A heart of gold? Really? He's treating you like shit, you deserve better. Get rid

Feellikeimthemaid · 12/10/2018 08:23

The way he talks to you; the way he talks about you to your children; the fact he smokes weed in the house where your children live....what's to like about this guy? You say he has no money - is that because he doesn't work, or because he's spent it all on drugs? He sounds like a real loser and I doubt he'll change. You need to think what's best for you, and more importantly the children, and take it from there.

BlueSuffragette · 12/10/2018 08:24

You need to leave. He sounds horrible and doesn't respect you. You will be so much better off emotionally without him.

Original poster

RayneDash · 12/10/2018 08:29

Thanks everyone.

I thought things were getting better as he was back in work and building his self esteem up as he suffers from depression. But then when he gives me his word he will stop spending money on weed I expect him to uphold it, not to fold 5 days later. There's not alot of it probably 10 worth but it's the principle.

He doesn't spend alot of his money on it, he does help with food and stuff and when I need it but as I've said it stinks and I don't want him smoking it in the house.

But his old self showed up again yesterday as he clearly felt the need to sneak around so he knew he was in the wrong. Innocent people don't sneak around.

Sorry if I'm drip feeding. There's alot that has happened in this relationship and it's getting it all on paper (so to speak)

OP posts:

blackcat86 · 12/10/2018 08:32

He's being abusive OP and you cannot continue to subject any of the kids or yourself to it. It sounds like you know this but need some support and reassurance. Do you have anyone around you who can support you? You need to end it pronto. I think that you also have consider your responsibility to his kids. You know what he's like and what the risks are as he uses drugs and is abusive in front of the children but i think you need to make sure that his ex (I'm presuming they live with mum) knows to. Obviously he won't like this but if it was my children, I would want to know as sounds like a risk at the moment.

MeetMeInMontauk · 12/10/2018 08:40

There's a quote that I love, OP (though I can't remember from whom), which is perfect for this situation: 'Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't'.

You won't ever get the support you need and deserve from this individual, and l think that this scenario although it sounds like he has plenty of form has finally confirmed it for you.

KathyBates · 12/10/2018 08:47

Leave. Put yourself and your children first. You deserve better x

Original poster

RayneDash · 12/10/2018 08:55

Thanks for your replies. I do appreciate them all.

I'm surprised because although I try my best for him everything is always my fault. I know you can't peer into my mind and see everything that's gone on but I half expected different responses.

Yes I've always known that the way he treats me isn't right and I know this is probably a battle cry that is quite popular in these situations but I honestly thought things were getting better for him and for us as he was able to buy stuff for kids again and getting his self worth back.

I know that he's stubborn and won't even try to get me back. Which begs the question, "Why the hell did I try to hold onto something that was clearly all me doing the holding." Bad English but you know what I mean.

Thanks everyone. Reading these makes me feel less alone. I do have support but they've seen so much I don't want to be that guy that constantly moans about things when in past hasn't had courage to change it.

OP posts:

buckingfrolicks · 12/10/2018 09:01

Oh OP you sound so sad. It's staring you in the face. You are with a really shitty man. He won't change unless he wants to and I doubt he does.

100% I would leave in those circs. He's selfish, a liar, verbally abusive, and a taker. No one should put up with that.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 12/10/2018 09:07

Are you saying that he drove the car supplied by work work, when he has lost his driving licence. That could lose you your job.

Get rid.

MumW · 12/10/2018 09:07

He said he we can split up, so, if it is your house, then call his bluff and tell him to go.

He'll bad mouth you to his children and make you the bad guy for throwing him out so you need to think about whether you want to reassure his kids that the split is nothing to do with them and that you've had it with his weed smoking and general attitude towards you.

justilou1 · 12/10/2018 09:23

He’s unlicensed and he took your work car when you were asleep to buy drugs, and you’re thinking he’s going to be good father material??? You need to re-think this one. He’s a jerk! He is using you as a staff member!!!

Bambamber · 12/10/2018 09:28

You don't want your children growing up thinking this is acceptable behaviour. What would your advise be if you had a daughter in a relationship with a man like this? He is a selfish asshole

Eliza9917 · 12/10/2018 09:30

Are you pregnant through a contraception fail? Why on earth would you plan to have a baby with a man like this

Aprilislonggone · 12/10/2018 11:45

If the police stop him and he gets arrested they wil seize the car and it will be crushed.
Work vehicle or not.

TubbyTubster · 12/10/2018 11:51

Please don’t expose your children to this abusive drug addicted waste of space a moment longer.

LadyOdd · 12/10/2018 12:29

My step father smoked weed, he would send me to bed at 8.30/9pm when I was 15 so that he could smoke it. (Every night) he promised my mum he would quit he didn’t he just snuck around instead. He was mentally abusive and I will carry it around forever please leave him, think of your children xxx remember your stronger than you think x

Btw so far my life is no where where I want it to be, the damage he will do you to you guys can last decades.

FerryLaugh7 · 12/10/2018 13:47

It seems that you have set the bar very low for this relationship. I can't see anything positive that he brings to the relationship. Drugs seem to be higher on his priority list than you or his children. He doesn't have a regular job or money. He can't even travel on his own to see his own kids. You deserve much better. Far too much drama. Please end this relationship.

Losingthewill1 · 12/10/2018 13:56

Wait till he leave the house and change the locks

Even if you have to get a loan to do so

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