AIBU to think no, I'm not the bad guy

[BrightLightsAndSound]

Has anyone ever been in a relationship where somehow, somehow, they're always the bad guy?

I have a thread on here about me doing all the house stuff and him just swanning in to eat - somehow at the end of the conversation, I'm the bad guy.

I have another thread about a friend of mine who is being financially and emotionally abused in a relationship with my DP's friend - I want to talk about this, and it ends up being Im the bad guy.

I grew up in a family where we were essentially not allowed to express any negative feelings. This means I really really really struggle with calmly explaining when I am unhappy. It comes out in accusations, passive aggression, catastrophising etc (if anyone has any advice on learning to express negative emotion in a healthy way I'd love to hear).

But regardless, whatever the topic or issue, its like DP always wraps it up with me being the bad guy. I feel like he uses the way I say things to deflect from what I'm actually saying. And on the occasions where I have actually stated my problem calmly, he has actually spiked back at me, pushing me into my usual way of talking aboit stuff very emotionally.

Im just sick and tired of starting conversations with a problem I have, and it ending with me feeling unreasonable/emotive/unfair. I always end up feeling really confused - like what the hell just happened? I started a conversation about a genuine, understandable gripe, and somehow, 15 minutes later, its about me "lashing out".

Does anyone else have this? Its not normal, right?!

It’s never the case that one person is always in the wrong. Ever.

It’s frequently the case that poor communication creates this kind of dynamic. My partner is reasonable, but if I raise something I’m not happy with his immediate reaction is a fight or flight style defense where he will try to focus on other things that I’ve done wrong or leave the conversation or generally lash out. He’s a good person and will go away and think things through and 9 times out of 10 he’ll come back to me and say his piece in a more considered way. It’s just his overwhelming sensation in that situation is to defend himself at all costs. What helped the situation was staying calm myself, broken recording my reasonable point, thinking in advance about how to broach something in a non inflammatory way, pointing out when he had strayed from the topic in hand ‘we can talk about that thing I’ve done wrong another time, right now we’re talking about x issue’, asking him why he was walking away etc. It took a consistent effort but we’ve seen massive improvements in our dynamic. Therapy also really helped, and we positioned it as a positive thing to make our lives more harmonious, rather than a crisis point kind of thing.

I’d imagine you’ll get a thousand replies telling you to leave him and that he’s a bully etc, and he may well be, I don’t know the full situation, but I wanted to share that in my experience it wasn’t the relationship or the person that was the issue, it was our crap communication. We aren’t born with communication skills, they need to be developed and refined, particularly if they weren’t demonstrated to you at home. Perhaps you could seek out some coaching in this? Particularly around assertiveness?

@Noodella18
Thank you, I can completely relate! Mine also walks away (which i cannot stand) or gets overly defensive. But I think adding fuel to the flames is I seem to be incapable of sitting down and really calmly talking about what's bothering me. I keep it in and then it comes out as a swipe from out of the dark if you get me.
Is assertiveness the right word? I mean is that what I should be aiming to achieve? I want to be able to handle my negative feelings calmly and talk about them in a measured way.

I hear what you are saying OP, but you are also the common factor here.

Do you see yourself as the bad guy?

@brightlights yes I’m pretty sure it is assertiveness. I’ve actually got a scan of a worksheet which I could forward you that I’m sure you would find useful (do private messages exist on mumsnet??)

It may also be useful to look up avoidant relationship/attachment style. His behaviour sounds quite familiar to my partner and he has an avoidant streak. It can definitely improve though! Once you get a handle on your own communication, his will follow.

Relationships are tough, thinking of you

Assertiveness would help - and finding ways to express dissatisfaction before you are at breaking point. Good luck x