Friend dating someone in prison

[Whatwhatt]

I say dating but obviously they don't date, but you see what I mean.

I don't know what to say, this isn't my life of course and I love my friend and don't want to 'rain on her parade' but I just don't see this ending well. Can I even be a good friend if I don't question this?

For background, she didn't know this person before he went away. She met him when someone she does know who's partner knew this guy, gave him her number and they started messaging.

I don't want to be too outing but I will say that (so far as I'm being told) he isn't in there for a crime against a woman i.e. sexual abuse or domestic violence. But equally what he is in there for is pretty serious. You could google him put it that way.

My concern is he is being released next year and she's planning on living with him. She's telling me he's changed but I don't know, do people change in prison? I don't know about this sort of stuff...

I want to be there for my friend and support her. This is technically none of my business but it just feels a bit worrying!

[Jackshouse]

She must have a very sense of self worth and boundaries to start messaging a random man who is in prison.

[MrsStrowman]

People can change, and especially if this is his first prison spell it can have an impact. The thing that concerns me is the money, where is it coming from? Unless he's got a property portfolio or business that can run without him, it's likely to be illegitimate which means he's involving your friend in his offending. Even if she's not laundering money for him, she's happy to take gifts from criminal proceeds. She says she'll love with him, but how has he retained a tenancy or paid a mortgage while inside for a fair length of time? Is he expecting to live with her? Hope that this fizzles out before he is released, or shortly after, just make sure she can turn to you, even if that means biting your tongue at times.

[Upslidedown]

I think when a friend is so invested, you just have to bite your tongue so that when it all comes crashing down she still has someone she can turn to.

[Ginger1982]

The fact he's committing a further offence, namely using a phone in prison, would suggest he hasn't changed...

[Gingerrogered]

I’ve been in a situation where a friend got together with someone she knew had previous domestic violence convictions. All her friends and family warned her until we were blue in the face and she just said they were in love and she found bad boys exciting then stopped contacting anybody who wouldn’t go along with her ‘loves young dream’ narrative. So basically everyone.

Of course it all went incredibly badly wrong and he ended up in jail for attacking her. She’s changed the narrative now and pretends she had absolutely no idea and the attacks came like a bolt from the blue. She expected everyone to rally round to pick up the pieces and buy into her delusion she had no idea. If you suggest she might learn from the experience or point out she ignored multiple warnings and should probably be more responsible in the future she accuses you of victim blaming, says vile things to them then cuts them out. She’s learned nothing and I’m sure if the same situation came up today she’d probably behave in exactly the same way.

Some people are just daft and won’t listen to advice even when everyone that cares about them says the same thing.

You can talk to her but she’ll probably tell you that you don’t understand and carry on anyway. Whether you choose to be there to help pick up the pieces is up to you.

[sparklyfee]

He's still breaking the law.

She's making a huge mistake and will probably only find this out the hard way.

[lalalalyra]

The money thing is hugely dodgy. Especially if he's in for any kind of fraud/money/drugs issue.

The phone thing is also another crime, but in some prisons it's rife.

[hellsbellsmelons]

She's an idiot.
There's just no helping some people.
Leave her to it.
She'll learn the hard way.
We will all see her on JK soon enough.

[Sforsh49]

Clare's Law - Right to Know
You can go into your local police station, ring 101 or do an online report, and give your friends details and the details of the guy she is forming a relationship with and ask for a Clare's Law disclosure. It's also known as DVDS. All forces do it.
They will take details and a panel will meet and decide if she should have a disclosure about his previous convictions/information held on him by the Police. Just because it's not been in the press it doesn't mean he won't have a propensity towards domestic violence and the DVDS scheme will tell her if they think there's something she needs to know.
It's designed to give people enough information to make an informed decision about a relationship they might be in or starting and to enable them to keep themselves safe.
You can request it but they won't tell you anything, only her if they think there is something she should know. If this was a friend of mine I would do it, it's probably one of the only practical things you can do, and she will at least be well informed with the facts as opposed to whatever he is choosing to tell her - they are likely to be poles apart and he could be minimising his past

[Sforsh49]

Oh and when you ask for Clare's Law tell the Police he has a phone in his cell!! Or ring the prison and tell them directly you can do it anonymously. He shouldn't have it and if it's taken from him it will give her breathing space from contact and you can bet your life he won't ask her to mind "money" for him on a recorded prison phone line.....

[Bitterprisonwife]

I wouldn’t worry about too much of this turning into a serious relationship , the fact he has a phone shows he is not a average prisoner they cost serious amounts and you have to have a bit about you to stop other prisoners taking it from you . Men very often use women through the likes of dating websites and friends of friends just to pass the time . Hopefully in your friends case it will fizzle out

[Whatwhatt]

Sforsh49 is the request anonymous i e. Will my friend know it was me who requested the info?

In relation to the phone, I don't really want to contact the prison and tell them about this. If my friend found out she'd never speak to me again and frankly I don't really want to have any direct involvement with this person. I know that it's supposedly anonymous but I really don't like the idea of possibly putting myself on this person's radar.

[Gingerrogered]

She doesn’t really need Claire’s Law when she already knows exactly what he did from the papers. It’s not like she doesn’t know, she just doesn’t care.

Phones are common in prisons as are drugs. But for God’s sake don’t grass him up for having a phone. If his cell gets turned over and they can trace it back to you by this thread or working out who she told about the phone you could put yourself and your children in serious danger from a violent man.

It’s not your responsibility to save her from herself and women in these situations rarely thank those who try. She can choose to put herself in danger and learn the hard way, but she doesn’t get to put you in danger too. Leave well alone.

[Gingerrogered]

X post, sooooo glad you’re not reporting the phone. Thought made my blood run cold.

[MaxDArnold]

Women like this are really dim, and usually end up in a mess because of their poor judgment

[Sparklesocks]

I’m still a bit confused about how they started messaging, someone else gave him her number? Did she know about it before? Why did the friend think to give her number out? If someone messaged me ‘hi this is X from the Y prison, Z gave you my number and I want to say hi’ I don’t think I’d be keen!
I guess all you can do is be there for her, make it clear you have concerns but still be supportive. I empathise though it’s a really tricky situation to be in.

[Whatwhatt]

Sparklesocks as far as I understood it, my friend has another friend (not mutual, I don't know her) who's partner knows this guy in prison and gave him my friends number (as a joke maybe? Though I don't really get it myself) and he messaged her and she found she actually gets on with him and it all just escalated from there.

[Whatwhatt]

I do know that this other friends partner who gave the number in the first place is a proper piece of work and they have been to prsion themselves for domestic violence charges. Lovely guy. Apparently those two have now broken up due to similar problems.

[Sparklesocks]

How strange. Sorry OP I wish I had more constructive advice, I guess you just need to ride this out with her and be a friend where you can

[Sforsh49]

You can go into the Police Station and request the DVDS and just refuse to give your name. They will still take the report from you but will log it as an anonymous informant. Safeguarding is massive, it will still be taken seriously.
To the poster who said she knows what he's done so Clare's Law is pointless. She knows what he's in prison for NOW but has no idea of his past offending history. His antecedents might be longer than your arm, conversely they might not be, but at least she would have the information to make an informed decision about him

[theOtherPamAyres]

Your friend had better start saving up for his home-coming. Turning around the bad boy's life may prove to be an expensive project.

She will be the bread-winner, the bill-payer and will have to clothe and feed him, unless he (a) has a job to go to or (b) earns money from another dubious source.

He must think that all his Christmases have come at once.

[Whatwhatt]

I may have a look into Claire's law if it can be done anonymously.

I'm just very anxious not to get myself too involved to the point I may be identifiable. I don't know this guy or what he's capable of so I need to put my family first in that respect.

I also don't want to isolate my friend because if it does go wrong she will need someone and I want her to know I'll be there.