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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to say no?

45 replies

Thatdontimpressmemuch · 12/10/2018 00:28

Back story is that friend is always late. Always. The most late she’s ever been was nearly 2 hours. It infuriates me because actually we’re old old friends and practically like family. But I find it so rude the way she doesn’t seem to give a damn about my time.

Tonight we were supposed to meet for dinner. Got to the restaurant at the time we’d agreed and waited 10 mins before texting her. Got a reply saying “oh no, I haven’t even finished putting my make up on yet, will leave in 10-15 mins. Sorry!”

I was fucking fuming. First of all, bollocks it would have only taken her 10-15 mins. I know her and 10-15 mins is more like half an hour. Then it would have taken her another half an hour to get to the restaurant. Which would have left me waiting for over an hour like a fucking stood up lemon.

So I texted her back: “sorry, I can’t wait that long. I’m hungry so I’ll make other plans.”

She just texted back “OK”

AIBU to not contact her again?

OP posts:

AjasLipstick · 12/10/2018 02:44

I hate it. I have a DH like this AND a friend. I do believe though that some people have a deficit when it comes to time-management.

They find it hard to think ahead...it's tricky for people like us to understand but there you go.

I've tried to train DH "You think of the time you're due to arrive somewhere and work out how long it will take to get there...then you consider the time spent getting ready and allow for unexpected events....and there's your time!"

But he finds it hard.

Monty27 · 12/10/2018 02:56

Yanbu OP
I have a friend who lives a hectic life and is often late. But there is no way I would hang around if it was because she was putting make up on and she knows it. She makes an effort by being as fast as she can.
That's respect. I wouldn't put up with that melarkey.
Volant love your reposte

Graphista · 12/10/2018 03:01

"Arrange another date and you turn up 2hrs late. Then see if she still thinks all is OK." Yep!

I've had a couple friends like this. I also have a sister like this - worst one of all! We're now Nc (not just because of this but it was one of the many reasons) I think the longest she kept me waiting was 4 hours! At that point I stopped waiting more than 20 mins for her and that eventually lead to an argument where she admitted she thought I should wait hours on end for her ... but she shouldn't be expected to wait more than 5 minutes for me! And no she didn't even backtrack or apologise when she'd 'calmed down'. After that I didn't wait more than 5 mins.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 12/10/2018 03:33

If you want to continue the relationship, you need to accept her for who she is. Though maybe next time go out with others too and don't wait for her, just order and if she arrives as everyone else is leaving them that's her problem. Otherwise just catch up at someone's house, then you can do things while you wait.

BadLad · 12/10/2018 05:06

This would annoy me, to the point that I wouldn't bother making arrangements to meet up with her any more.

I've read on here in similar threads before that some people apparently can't help being late and just don't think ahead well enough to realise that they need to leave time to get ready, get to wherever it is they're going to, etc.

But fuck that.

ButchyRestingFace · 12/10/2018 05:19

So I texted her back: “sorry, I can’t wait that long. I’m hungry so I’ll make other plans.”

Nah, not unreasonable. I couldn’t be arsed with that.

sansouci · 12/10/2018 05:24

I have ADHD and yes, time-management is a problem but not an excuse! If I have an appointment at 6 pm, for example, I'll enter it in my calendar as 5:30 or even earlier. Arriving late for an appointment makes me terribly anxious because it's so rude.

If I were you, I'd tell this friend that you're very fond of her but that her inability to be punctual is killing your friendship. Tell her exactly what you've posted here, especially the bit about how she prioritises getting to work on time, and that you are now demanding she show you the same respect. Or else.

Aprilsinparis · 12/10/2018 05:32

YANBU I hate people who are continually late. They have little respect for the person on the receiving end. It's like they are thinking, you are not important enough, to make the effort to be on time.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/10/2018 05:35

To be honest I'd find her "oh just relax" attitude equally as annoying as the lateness.

RhubarbAndMustard · 12/10/2018 05:45

This totally annoys me too. If she is continuously late, rather than every now and again, that is not acceptable.

I would only meet in a group for a while so you have people to meet with at the right time and just start the night without her. It will then only inconvenience her if she's late.

MyOtherProfile · 12/10/2018 05:50

It's really selfish and disrespectful. I can say this from personal experience as for years I was that late person. I had a great group of friends who made a joke out of it and loved me anyway but it did come to a head when I was going to stay with a friend who lived 2 hours away and she rang me at the time I was due to arrive to check where I was as she had to nip to the corner shop. I still hadn't left home so was going to be at least 2 hours late. She told me how it made her feel disrespected and like her time just didn't matter. I have adhd and was a massive time optimist who genuinely believed I could fit so much into a 10 minute gap but that really isn't an excuse. I had to learn to be more realistic about time ans more respectful of my friends. I still have a tendency to be a bit late but I'm talking 5 or 10 minutes now and it kind of works.

nancybelle · 12/10/2018 06:54

I had a friend like this and gave up arranging to meet her anywhere as she was always late. I asked her to come to my house or I would go to hers so I wasn’t kept waiting as it made me so angry. Like OP’s friend she was never late for work, just social things.

Charlie97 · 12/10/2018 07:01

Nope YANBU!

Irritating, rude and also CF!

IAmAllAsttonishnent · 12/10/2018 07:02

I would discontinue a friendship like this.
I once went to meet a good friend (drove 4 hours), she was almost 2 hours late without a good reason (hungover and disorganised).

Despite her apologising I told her it it ever happened again I wouldn’t make plans with her anymore as it’s totally disrespectful and rude.

It’s never happened again.

Coincidentally my mother is EXACTLY the same - always late to everything! It’s impossible to make plans as you never know what time she’ll arrive. She’ll call, at the time she was supposed to arrive, to update me that she’s going to be late.

She’ll usually mention where she is (45 minutes drive away) then say ‘I’ll be there in 20 minutes’ when she clearly won’t be, and if I point that out it turns into an argument about how crazily busy she is.

When she arrives 45 minutes later she’ll bluster about how ‘awful’ the traffic was 😒

I understand why she’s late (good reasons rarely her fault) but it still sucks!

Heuschrecke · 12/10/2018 07:03

YANBU

I agree with PPs that, if you are going to meet her, only do so when other people are involved too. Then you can say to her "if you're not on time, we'll start without you". It might teach her a salutary lessen if she arrives when the rest of you are paying the bill/getting ready to leave. If she throws her toys out of her pram you can tell her to "loosen up"!

alwayswingingit · 12/10/2018 08:09

She has no respect for your time, and doesn't consider it valuable at all. I would end the friendship there to be honest, I know it sounds harsh but if she does this all the time it would really annoy me. Her response was rude as well. This happened to me a few weeks back, I was waiting on a friend for over an hour, I told her i couldn't wait anymore and after that deleted her number...haven't even heard from her since

PiperPublickOccurrences · 12/10/2018 08:13

that’s different! I’d get fired if I was late for work. But we’re like family and it should be more relaxed.

What she's saying really is that work is important and you're not. I know people like this and it's a dreadful attitude. It's so rude and disrespectful to think that it's OK to leave someone waiting because you can't be arsed to get your shit together. I certainly wouldn't be meeting here again OP and well done for texting her to say you were making other plans - lots of people would have just sat there, fuming.

Witchofzog · 12/10/2018 08:18

She is selfish and entitled. Who on earth does she think she is with the relax comment? It is massively disrespectful

Returnofthesmileybar · 12/10/2018 08:23

Well really I think you should have text her back "ok see you soon x" and then fucked off home without telling her and let her show up. There are lots of reasons to be late but sitting at home still putting on make up when you are meant to be there is inexplicably rude!

BitOutOfPractice · 12/10/2018 08:42

10 minutes late is sometimes unavoidable. But up to two hours is taking the piss. And with no call to warn you, unforgivable

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