To refuse to lend anymore, despite the lender being good to us

[Conflicted1]

Family member often buys bits for DS.. Token gifts from amazon, a new outfit here and there.. Which is lovely but we don't ask him to do any of it.

He relies on benefits so doesn't have a lot of disposable income. I'm a SAHM and DP works full time but we aren't exactly rolling in it ourselves.

The problem is because he's so giving toward DS we've fallen into the trap of helping him out with money now and then in return, but he's come to expect it.

I'd prefer he didn't spend any money on DS and stop relying on us to bail him out but I feel awkward about saying as much and sounding unappreciative.

We've already leant him £10 this week but now he's sending messages saying he's got no tobacco and is dying for a smoke, hinting for more.

If he's that poor he really should find a way to quit.

Good time for him to give up. I’d ignore x

Indirectly, then, you're lending him money so that he can buy stuff for your DS instead of you buying it for DS and cutting out the middleman - with the added annoyance that you wouldn't necessarily have bought him those things if you were making the choice yourself.

XH used to buy me gifts and chocolate on his credit card - which I paid off. Very generous - not.

He shouldn't buy presents for DS, he shouldn't smoke, he shouldn't ask you for money and you definitely shouldn't give him any! It's all bad news, I'm afraid.

@Anniegetyourgun I hadn't looked at it that way before

DP gave him a pep talk about quitting before but he isn't interested in trying. He is bad with money in general it seems.

I'm also pregnant and we can do without dropping £10 here and £5 there at somebody else's convenience, we do get it back but that's not the point. Is it?

Have ignored the message so far but he knows I've read it.

"I'm afraid we can't afford to keep lending/giving you money. Things are tight". It's up the giver to realise they can't actually then afford to keep buying your DS gifts. They need to learn to budget and not spend on things they can't afford.

@Singlenotsingle I agree, to be honest I'm a push over when it comes to doing people favours and that's why they think nothing of asking me. I need to work on being assertive and saying no.

@MaverickSnoopy

I'll l draft up a similar message and send that. It's gotten to be a pain in the backside

I know they feel entitled because they buy for DS but I'd rather they didn't. It feels like we're "in debt" all of the time and don't need any of the stuff they buy

I do sympathise. Unfortunately you're sort of enabling their bad money management by subbing them. They know they can always rely on you. Don't feel bad about the gifts - they need to realise this for themselves and if they don't in a few weeks then perhaps you say something about it being too much.

I have recently helped a family member through similar. Got themselves into all sorts of financial difficulty. DH wanted to bail them out, but I said the cycle would just continue. So I took them to citizens advice for advice and then I did a budget for them and took their cards for a couple of months until their income was straight and they could afford to pay the bills again. Month 1 was hard because we had to contact all creditors etc and ask for no or minimal payments for a couple of months, but now they have the money to pay for food and bills again and slowly they will pay off their debt. I hope they have learnt how to budget and will stick to it. It's not my place to micromanage them for life though.

You could offer to help them to budget but in a way that doesn't cause offence. It's tricky.

Sorry we are brassic this month - and repeat

It's good of you to go out of your way for the person you helped.

I'd be happy to do the same for him but there's no way on this earth he'd let me take control of his finances, he won't hear of it that he's irresponsible with money and would be instantly offended