AIBU to object to DF referring to their baby as... (TRIGGER WARNING: CONCERNS DOWNS AND ABORTION)

[SadandConflicted]

AIBU to object to my DF (friend) referring to her baby as 'dead baby'?

Her baby was diagnosed a few weeks ago with DS and, as you can probably tell by the thread title, has decided to abort (but hasn't yet) and keeps referring to the baby as 'dead'.

I'm in bits for her, I can't imagine what she is/ about to go through, and trying to be as supportive as I can but I'm finding it really difficult when she keeps using these words.

This friend unfortunately has form for deliberately making outrageous statements, but I do wonder whether on this occasion there's more to it and perhaps she is subconsciously trying to ready herself for what is about to come.

I think one (minor) reason why I'm finding it difficult is because her decision conflicts with what I believe mine would be however, I appreciate not everybody has the same circumstamces in life or feels the same but everyone absolutely has the right to choose.

I'm trying so hard to be understanding but I nearly lost my own baby, post birth, not long ago and I'm finding her choice of words quite provocative and triggering of a time when I thought I was going to have to go through the trauma of telling everyone I knew that my new born baby had actually died. Unfortunately I've had quite bad PTSD following this time and although my friend is aware of these struggles I know it's not going to be on the top of her mind at the moment and I certainly don't want to turn things round and make it all about me.

Can anyone help/ give me some advice? I want to be as supportive as possible but I'm really struggling with this and I don't want to be a bad friend at such a sensitive time.

-I am so sorry to anyone who has been through anything similar to what has been mentioned in this post.-

I terminated at 14 weeks for the same reason. The haze I was in between diagnosis and termination was intolerable. The pain in knowing you are pregnant and soon won't be is crushing.
I was 45 and alone and there was no question of my circumstances allowing for raising a disabled child at that age.
See. - I'm still justifying it 3 year's later. They guilt and pain are still raw and just abhorrent. I never ever thought I could do such a terrible thing and yet I had to.

Please try not to judge although I would never ever have referred to my little baby girl in such a way - however to love them is to feel the pain and maybe she's just trying to use pragmatism. I don't know. I do know it was the worst experience of my entire life, and most women in this position are encouraged to go through labour and birth. You cannot imagine ☹️

When I was young and raw I often used provocative language to cover how I was feeling. Not sure I was as insensitive as your friend, but it’s worth beating in mind.

Can anyone recommend any counselling support that I can suggest to her and maybe her partner? Should I contact our local HV team and ask them?

The hospital should put her in contact or signpost her towards appropriate support. Some hospitals also have bereavement midwives that the parents can liaise directly with.

I go to a lot of SANDS meetings (my baby died neonatally) and there are lots of people there who had a termination for medical reasons before the technical miscarriage/stillbirth cut off date, like your friend, and they are all welcomed and and fully supported so do suggest them to her.

As for her terminology, maybe it helps her get through this awful time but that doesn’t mean her feelings outweigh yours. It would be quite acceptable to gently say you don’t like it and when she is talking to you, please can she phrase things differently.

I would take a step back OP. You don’t know how she feels and she is coping I her own way. You don’t seem prepared to support her in the way she needs so now out for a bit to deal with your own pain as a separate issue. It does seem as though part of your problem is that you disagree with her decision. Which is, I’m sorry to say, your problem. Please don’t add to what she is going through with the weight of your judgement.

I believe fully in the right to choose and can even imagine my younger self using that kind of terminology, but I hope I would never have been so cruel (whether by thoughtlessness or self-absorption) as your friend is being.

Her pain doesn’t trump your feelings. If you think she would stop and apologise if you said her phrase is hurting you, then tell her. If (as sounds likely) she would just be pissed off, you should practise self-care by backing off.

Unless she lives with you, you don’t have to be party to those conversations. Just leave her be. Does she have a partner? He’s the one that should be listening. Or her parents or a friend who hasn’t had your traumatic experience.

Be kind to yourself.

It must be very hard to have a living baby inside you and know you’re waiting for an appointment to terminate. Perhaps she’s coping by thinking of the baby as already being (as good as) dead.