to ask you to help me with my birth experience?

[ChiChiLaRoo]

Sorry to have posted twice in a short space of time. I'm just trying to get my head together.

I was very naive in the beginning of pregnancy. Didn't understand much about it and thought I could stroll in to hospital, ask for a water birth and things would likely be hunky dory. I was silly to think that at 26 years old and very active/healthy I was immune to complications (yes, stupid of me...).

It's now looking like I won't be able to go to MLU, of potentially have a water birth, and could end up with a c section which was my worst case scenario as I have no help after the birth.

Can anyone recommend ways that I can make the whole birth experience more ok? Aka did you make a playlist? Or have home comforts?

I really want to do what I can to ensure that the birth is not traumatic and as an OCD and GAD sufferer, I'm still struggling with the 'out of control' aspect. I know it won't be enjoyable as such but I am worried it'll be a trauma which will cause my anxiety to heighten.

Any advice or words of wisdom from experienced mums/midwives?

Have they said why you can't use the MLU?

@Rabbitjam I might still be able to but it's not looking likely. They've found high PI through the umbilical cord sad baby's growth has slowed a bit (still in a healthy centile though - looks to be about 30th on the chart). If growth is good throughout I MIGHT be able to use the MLU. It's all up in the air at the moment and I don't think they want to say much until the next growth scan.

Said not sad

To be honest I felt the birth was a process and the means to an end rather than an ‘experience’.

My first CS was quite awful and there was nothing that could’ve changed that. The second was great and there were no complications but I was very poorly afterwards for other reasons.

I actually think it’s really damaging to think of birth as magical or special. I know that’s not a popular viewpoint but my experience was that the whole process was anything but and if I’d hoped it would be I’d have found the recovery even more difficult.

The way I minimised trauma was by arming myself with information and made sure I properly understood the conditions I had so I could be an effective advocate for myself.

Sorry to hear that you may not be able to got to an MLU, but remember this doesn't mean that you can't still have a positive experience.

Have you looked at hypnobirthing? It's something you can use as a resource even if for whatever reason you do end up having certain interventions. There's plenty of info online and videos on YouTube, you don't need to spend £££ on a course.

Maybe also think about having a playlist on the go, songs that evoke positive memories for you.

Would definitely recommend bringing a pillow or two from home as hospital pillows aren't the best and often go walkabouts.

Be upfront with your midwife when you first meet about your worries. Always ask questions and don't feel anxious about requesting more information before making decisions.

Wishing you all the best! Xxx

Yes to home comforts- a playlist with a Bluetooth speaker if you have one, your own pillow, nice tea bags. Some people even like to take a picture of family (or even pets!) to make it feel homely.

Have an open mind re: pain relief and don't put any pressure on yourself not to have anything. An epidural might help you feel more in control- maybe see if your unit offers mobile ones. If you need to be on the monitor you can ask for the wireless unit- these can be used in the pool. Even if you are on the monitor your midwife should help you to remain active and mobile if that's what you want.

If the MLU is ruled out, could you have a tour of the Obstetric unit? Wishing you all the best.

@Merryoldgoat I let go of the idea of childbirth being magical a while ago, however would still like to make it as bearable as possible. It is an experience at the end of the day; it may just not be a lovely one. I accept that.

My baby being safe is the most important thing at the end of the day, but I don't see any harm in trying to bring a few home comforts to the birth in order to calm my anxiety? But you're right, it's a means to an end and I have everything crossed that baby is okay!

Ooh and what @freckleface12 said about hypnobirthing too, good idea

Have you heard of Homestart? It is a charity that might be able to provide you with a volunteer to help after the birth.

I know a c-section seems daunting but I think they are really blown out of proportion. You are young and healthy and likely to recover very quickly. I felt fine after the first week and so did everyone else I know who had one.

I didn’t end up with the birth experience I had envisaged, instead of a calm water birth it was a lengthy induction process, continuous monitoring, epidural and forceps in theatre. The lack of control was really challenging beforehand but once in the situation I didn’t find it too bad-you just want what is best for the baby and I found all doctors and midwives were very willing to discuss this in detail if I needed it.

There were lots of things I did that helped with feeling positive regardless of what was happening around me. I made a list in advance of activities, mental exercises, breathing techniques that I could use at various stages that I or my husband could refer to if I started to feel stressed. I downloaded some favourite films and tv onto a tablet to distract me during any waiting periods. I took a hand fan in to stay cool, took my own pillows so I knew I’d be comfortable and flannels that I ran under cold water and added a couple of drops of essential oil to them-they made the room smell amazing and less hospital-y.

You know what works for you in terms of self care but if you need inspiration you could try seeking out positive birth stories (both vaginal and c-section) and mining them for tips, I found that really helpful.

Congratulations and wishing you a positive, healthy birth

Have you thought about getting a doula? Mine has been brilliant. She is emotional and practical support, non medical but experienced in childbirth. She was with me from the first contractions to reassure me and to support me.

I also strongly recommend hypnobirthing. It's been brilliant.

Agree that the birth is a process rather than end in itself. Rather like wedding compared to marriage

Try not to overthink about the birth and focus on the baby

I packed snacks and magazines, made a playlist, practised hypnobirthing, etc. The pain was overwhelming and I could hardly breathe never mind eat or listen to music. Eventually I had a c-section and it was a blessed relief. No negative consequences and it was the best option imo, now that I’ve seen the awful injuries that friends have had from vaginal birth (tearing and incontinence etc, my neighbour has a 1yo and is still having physio because she can’t control shitting herself).

I had hypnobirthing ante-natal classes despite knowing I was having a c section. I had breach twins & due to significant internal scarring an emergency c section was deemed unsafe so a planned section was better. My notes had a special instruction that if I went into labour out of hours the on call consultant had to be called in. The hypnobirthing included positive visualisation and breathing exercises. 'I will have a positive birth'.

It really helped me when I went into rapid labour and there was no time to call the consultant. I was shaking so badly they threatened me with a GA as they couldn't get the epidural in. I started my hypnobirthing breathing, focused on the positive birth affirmation and honestly it is a very happy memory.

If you have no support, you'd need to prep well - meals in the freezer, everything easily accessible - but it really doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I just want to say that you were not stupid to believe as you did! Nobody knew what pregnancy and birth would be like until they actually went though it. Be kind to yourself - don’t berate yourself

Control the things you can control - if there is music you like and calms you, then use that. If you want immediate skin to skin, then write it down and make it plain, if you want to breastfeed then again be clear and ask for help, take your own pillows in, when I was a midwife I cared for lots of women who had elective CS for many reasons and while complications can still arise they were lovely experiences. It's still a birth, you've had a baby, and it can be really lovely! Some of my best memories are making those births special and ensuring that the things they wanted they got (within reason! One woman wanted the lights dimmed, its just not possible!). Skin to skin was my big one, lots of women who'd had EMCS the previous birth had often had a period of seperation and hadn't had immediate skin to skin and really wanted this. So we did! Again all being well. I delayed weighing etc and helped that first cuddle.

I'm rambling. But yes it can be positive, hypnobirthing is free/low cost (look at positive birth company online package) and really useful to have a tool to manage anxiety.

My main tip would be to plan for the unexpected as much as you can - e.g. if you end up having a c-section, plan as far as possible how you would like that to go (screen up or down, delayed umbilical cutting, immediate skin to skin if all well with baby). I didn't really plan for a c-section so when I ended up having one it was not at all how I would have liked on reflection. It is absolutely one of my most abiding regrets I didn't see my daughter come into this world as they just put the screen up as standard and I didn't think to question it. Also make bloody sure they know what treatments you've already had - I was WAY od'd on anaesthetic because they didn't realise I'd already had an epidural and I couldn't move anything above my neck and felt like I couldn't breathe, it was shite. Basically, try and have the best bad birth you can if it's not going your way! Sorry to be negative - I don't mean to be - just wish I'd planned for less positive scenarios as well as the best case. It can still be a good birth even if it isn't the one you chose... and I have my fingers crossed for you that it will be perfect in the end. Good luck!

*below my neck, not above, obvs.

Just to give you some balance, I did not have a good experience in MLU (water) and would not choose MLU if I was doing it again.

You have to do whats right for the baby and honestly once I got into theater my experience was made 100% times better. So it doesn't mean you cant have a good experience outwith MLU.

Ooh yes as well, if birth is likely to be lengthy/difficult I would recommend you try and get an additional birth partner, not just the Dad - my poor partner was bloody useless to me by the end, as he was in bits with stress and exhaustion himself. If you don't have any suitable family or friend, then think of a doula or similar - someone calm and encouraging would have been a massive boon!

I had 2 doses of pethadin, i barely remember my labour!

I agree with the planning ahead for every eventuality. It will help knowing what’s going to happen and maybe with feeling more in control.

I also agree that c sections are kind of demonised (I’m looking at you nct!) and as a result none of the women in my group planned what they would do for one as we were all scared off them and decided we’d do everything we could to avoid one. Actually my second c section was one of the most relaxed experiences I’ve had. I knew what was happening and it was all organised to precision.

Take care

Another vote for hypnobirthing. I used it and had a wonderful home water birth. But my friend used it for a planned home birth that ended with an emergency transfer to hosptial and a c section and she said it was fantastic for helping her cope with that.

I absolutely recommend the positive birth company's digital pack - it has a lot of excellent information very similar to the NCT group we did, as well as Hypno birthing techniques, specific info on how to make your hospital birth work for you as much as possible - and for 35 quid rather than the 200 for NCT.

Also have a read of Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth and Spiritual Midwifery.

Can you say which hospital you'll be at? Have they a good rep? Can you pop in and visit the labour ward so you're more familiar with it and it's less of an unknown?